Hubby home only at weekends

[Flowersandhoney]

Hubby started working away 2 yrs ago (Monday-Friday (should have only been for a few months) no end in sight. Good money though so means we can do nice things (I’m a SAHM but suffering with bowel problems so gave up work while trying to get a diagnosis- so not well a lot of the time). Here’s the problem.. he comes home on a Friday night and announces what he’s doing at the weekend. He plays ruby and he’s not here in the week to train but the boys all love him so if they need a player he’s there like a shot. Very rarely will miss a game. In the week he has his single life (so I feel) then waltz’s in on a Friday, declaring what he’s doing and makes me feel shit for not being happy for him. He’s amazing at helping around the house when he’s here but all I can focus on is how selfish I find him pissing off when it suits him. It’s making me feel like I don’t want him home.. I have a routine in the week and come the weekend it’s all about him. Our house needs work but nothing gets done as he’s not here. AIBU that I want him to be at home with me and the children considering he can do what he likes in the week.

I’ve tried looking for a good looking handy Dave in my area..unfortunately there’s none 🤣

You see during covid it was our absolute best time. We did so much as a family. We got out together, got a dog, did jobs on the house.. we never fell out.
As soon as he’s given the opportunity to do something with the lads he’s off.

Can you ask him to leave after the children have gone to bed. It would only mean another half hour or so.

You say that he was only supposed to be working away for a few months but here you are years later with him still working away. Can you sit him down and talk this through? Explain what your week is like compared to his. Ask him to find out when he will be back working locally again.

My MIL had a similar issue with my FIL working away during the week. She had her routines during the week and they were all disrupted each weekend when he came home. She grew to resent him for it. She sat him down and explained the situation, things improved and they have just celebrated their 54th wedding anniversary so it can be done.

Good luck

🤣🤣🤣🫣

I know my youngest wouldn’t go to sleep 🙈. I think I need him to leave earlier then I can deal with the drama and get the kids to bed on time.
I’ll ask him about timescales but he’s always flaky..I’d be better asking one of his mates wives as they probably know more than me.
A few weeks ago I took him and a work colleague into town for their works nice out (as he’s still in touch with people he’s worked with from around here) and the colleague was asking him about timescales and they talked.. I thought Jesus he knows more than me 🙄
I’m definitely resenting him but there’s also been so many emotional things this is literally the tip of the iceberg. Really can’t see us lasting another 40 years 🙈

Yes I must go to that appointment . I think it’ll give me a bit of strength (maybe even power 🤣) to know things might be ok without him.

Does he go drinking after playing rugby. That would pee me off

We were in your situation for years, though my husband (who is disabled) didn’t live “the single life”. He was shattered when we picked him up from the airport at 9 o clock on Friday nights, with our youngest asleep in his car seat. As was I after a week alone with our two children, the two foreign A level students we hosted and the pets.

He needed a day to rest, so did I. So that’s what we did. One day each whilst the other occupied the children. Then back in the car and off to the airport on Sunday evening. We survived around 7 years of this, somehow managing to stay on good terms 😁

With compromise and good will on both sides, you will too if you both want it to work.

I see your children are in school. That makes a difference. I appreciate that you are sometimes unwell though: can you afford any help in the house? A cleaner a few hours a week will relieve the pressure.

the kids are at school 6 hours a day and presumably sleeping through the night at their age? Your husband gets his nights free but you get the day and after bedtime to yourself. My husband works similar and we both have a role to play. As long as he spends at least one full day as a family with you I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong

My mum could have written your post 50 years ago, OP, even down to the ages of the children. I was the 6-year-old in your scenario, so here is my perspective from the child's point of view.

My dad was a stranger to me. Yes, he was "home" at the weekend but always away doing things: the TA, seeing friends, pottering alone in his workshop (if we ventured in he ushered us out).

Every fun thing we did was with my grandmother coming along where he should have been. Even holidays were with DGM, although sometimes my dad would drive us all there and collect us at the end. He never came visiting with us (remember when people did that?) not even on Christmas Day.

When our DM became ill and was in hospital, we went to live with out DGPs for about a month and he didn't visit us once, or offer to give them a break.

He never took us out anywhere, never gave us anything. He didn't engage much with us at all, and was quite strict with us when he did. To me he was this grumpy person who showed up occasionally and it was a relief to me when he went away and we could get back to normal again. Not so my 8-year-old DS who was Daddy's girl and would cry herself to sleep for him, always asking our DM where Daddy was, when was he coming back again.

Turns out Daddy was having a great time, he travelled all around in his job during the week, with a girl in every town, and apparently met his next wife at the dancing.

I have only a handful of memories of him being a part of my childhood, few of them positive. He just wasn't there, even when he was, if you know what I mean.

OP, I know your DH won't be quite as bad as my Dad, but if you do try to talk him about spending more time with the family, it might be an idea to mention that his absence will be having a hugely negative impact on the children too. If he wants a relationship with them in the future, he needs to put the time in now, or he could end up being a stranger to them too.

Just a suggestion but if it’s only a 2 hour commute why isn’t he leaving on Monday morning. I had a similar situation always left early on the Monday and often came home one night in the week. The lack of visibility on the spending though is definitely a red flag. I found this out to my cost. Please don’t be a door mat.

Oh course .. drinking after a game is expected 🙄

He has every evening to himself whereas the OP is 24/7 really if there is no one else.

Hardly fair.

Well I’d say the doing things together has reduced since he’s been away. When he was home in the week jobs around the house got done so we could go out and do family stuff at weekend. Weekends now tend to be very up and down depending on what he’s doing/my illness.
I’d say we do get on (I love him very much) and we like similar things (apart from sport). He’d be intimate everyday given the chance. He always says he loves me, any excuse to touch me (in a nice way). I however currently don’t want sex.. so we might go a few weeks without which is completely down to me. Although I will add he pisses me off so much it makes me not want him near me. When he’s considerate and things are good we’re intimate and happy x

I have been where you are. My ex worked away from home through the week leaving me to cope with the kids, the house and work. He had every evening free to do what he wanted and ate out in restaurants Monday - Friday, then did his own thing at the weekend. I got to the stage where I dreaded him coming home because the atmosphere was so bad. We ended up divorced. Speaking from experience, the fact that he is away all week is not important, it's what he does when he IS home that's important. You need some free time as well as family time. My 14 year old DD once commented that she did not miss her DF because he was never there even when he was home. Both DDs, now adults, have very little contact with him, 2 or 3 times a year at most. My youngest is getting married soon and wants me to walk her down the aisle, not her DF. You need to make him understand what he will lose if he carries on this way. Good luck, I hope you don't end up like us.