Hubby home only at weekends

[Flowersandhoney]

Hubby started working away 2 yrs ago (Monday-Friday (should have only been for a few months) no end in sight. Good money though so means we can do nice things (I’m a SAHM but suffering with bowel problems so gave up work while trying to get a diagnosis- so not well a lot of the time). Here’s the problem.. he comes home on a Friday night and announces what he’s doing at the weekend. He plays ruby and he’s not here in the week to train but the boys all love him so if they need a player he’s there like a shot. Very rarely will miss a game. In the week he has his single life (so I feel) then waltz’s in on a Friday, declaring what he’s doing and makes me feel shit for not being happy for him. He’s amazing at helping around the house when he’s here but all I can focus on is how selfish I find him pissing off when it suits him. It’s making me feel like I don’t want him home.. I have a routine in the week and come the weekend it’s all about him. Our house needs work but nothing gets done as he’s not here. AIBU that I want him to be at home with me and the children considering he can do what he likes in the week.

This is not a relationship. He just sleeps at your house at the weekends..

You say he's only 2 hours away from home. What's stopping him coming home one night midweek, or Mon - Thurs away only. Surely there's an opportunity for flexibility, given he's away from home.
I did a 2 hour each way, every day, commute for 18 months. But, I didn't have kids - however, the travel was kind of my choice, and my partner was at our home. It's do-able, especially if he's not having to do it every day. Could he leave at 16:00, and be home for 18:00, and take a share of the parenting that night? Head into the office at 07:00/07;30 the next morning....

Unfortunately, he cannot be forced to spend time with the children if he chooses not to do so, it could well be a frying pan to fire situation.

He has every evening to himself?

My DH often commutes 2 hours. He could do that a couple of times a week at least.

A SAHM to school age children means there will be lots of opportunity to get some free time. You could also use a babysitter if you need some time to go out in the evening.
The weekend is long enough to allow everyone in the household to get some free time and to have some time together as a family.

But he’s not at home?
We don’t know what time he works til.
How far from home? He stays away so presumably not able to pop back for rugby with his friends?
He is alone in the evenings but I don’t really feel that it’s fair to say he can do what he wants.
In my opinion, working away from home does not immediately mean the whole of his weekend leisure time should be devoted to his family and his chores. Hobbies and friends should have a place too. It’s about balance.

For me, the issue would be more that I would hope that my husband would want* to spend time with the children and I, at the weekends.

in terms of free time, I think that you are both deserving of it. If he’s out in a Saturday morning playing rugby, maybe you take some time do what you want on Saturday afternoon? Maybe Sunday could then be the family day?

we don’t know how old your children are, or what line of work your husband is in for him to be away and if he has evenings to himself?

@Hobbitfeet32 did you miss that OP is unwell and awaiting surgery? It was in the opening post and OP mentions it in a couple of other posts as well.

Given the lack of openness about financial matters and the expectation from her DH that she just has to fit in with whatever he wants I think @Flowersandhoney is starting to question just how much of a marriage she is actually in.

I don't believe this arrangement would still be going to two years later if he didn't like it. I also don't think it's reasonable to expect him to spend the weekends doing DIY but he needs it figure out how to pay someone to do this if he doesn't want to, and he should be spending time with his wife and children.

But honestly your options are leave or carry the load and entice him to spend time with you. If you were to preplan a date night for the two of you or a family day out the four of you and tell him a week in advance (so on the weekend for the next weekend) would he be happy or drag his feet and find excuses?

That may let you know if he's planning stuff to fill what to him is blank time/space (of course its not, but nothing is "planned") or yo avoid you all. If it worked could then start to pre-plan at time at home.

Try "See All" OP's posts, have a read.

I had almost the same scenario as the OP. Except we had five kids. He'd go off on a Sunday afternoon, work away (but in a nice hotel all week, with TV, bar etc) then come home late on Friday night, disturb the children to say 'hello' (whereupon they wouldn't go back to bed and our ADHD daughter would be up all night, and it would be ME trying to resettle them), sit and watch TV all day Saturday, lie in Sunday morning, and be ready for me to run him to the station Sunday afternoon.

I divorced him and brought up five kids on my own rather than have him ignoring me every weekend just so he could say he'd 'been home' (and I did all his washing and ironed his shirts while he watched TV!)

Its completely unreasonable for him to bugger off the whole weekend if he is already absent during the week. Sounds like there needs to be a balance between what he does at the weekend. Being away during the week does not necessarily mean he has a lot more personal time - depends on what he does and what it is like where he stays. But he needs to play a proper role in the family when he is home.

When I was working on a project I don't think many of my colleagues successfully managed weekly commuting long term.

Almost all struggled past the two year mark.

DH was the SAHP. From the moment I was offered the project role we knew we would need to move as weekly commuting would have been too disruptive with three young DCs. I still had to travel but it was less frequent and the disruption more manageable.

I wouldn’t leave where we live for that city.. I’ve worked there and it’s not great and I wouldn’t want our children growing up there.

Yes true and then sleeps in the youngest ones bed anyway as they play up they want to be with him.

I agree with the pp suggesting you swap him for tax credits !

In all seriousness though this man isn’t making you happy . Get through your operation and recovery 🤞- get yourself a new job and then decide what you want . No one deserves to be treated like part of the furniture like this . Good luck with the surgery OP

Well done you.. I wish I had the balls. Mines good at helping the two days he’s here.. never just sits in his arse but he’s always up to something. It’s like I never know what he’s going to do next. It’s like a Sunday when he goes back from tea time it’s all go. We eat then he’s packing and leaves at bedtime. This then upsets the children and the youngest just cry’s.. every week 🙈

@Flowersandhoney in your shoes I wouldn't move either.

He seems to have nicely compartmentalised his life:

• away = work + pleasant evening actives
• home = rugby (plus getting his laundry done?)

He has forgotten that there should be a compartment for wife and children

If he's working away so you afford to be at home during the week with the DC its difficult. It sounds like hes mentally checked out and he's effectively not even a weekend dad/husband if he's at rugby on the saturday (and post rugby drinks?) What happens if your DC have parties or sport on a saturday - does he forgo rugby to take them and bond with them or do you drive them? Does he do facetime bedtime stories with DC midweek at all?

You need to sit down together and work out a better family plan as this situation is untenable long term.

This. That's not a relationship in my mind anyway.

That’s exactly that.. there’s no communication or consideration. He paid to go on a stag party last year (one of many as he’s one of the lads) and only because I asked him about the dates as I’d heard about it did he then tell me he’d already booked and paid. He said because I’m home at the weekend he didn’t need to check if it would be ok as I’m here anyway . He uses the fact I haven’t gone back full time as his excuse to do what he wants.

I’ve had numerous procedures so I’d cope as I have family close by.
He certainly wouldn’t take time off.

He can work long days so for example be in work for 7 and not finish until 7 .. not regularly but sometimes so wouldn’t be worth travelling home

Thank you this is lovely.. I just want to be better health wise. He’s no emotional support / never has been and I’ve tried to learn to deal with that (counselling) but it’s all just a ball ache now xx

Sorry I mean 2hrs on a Sunday night when roads are quiet (although a Friday if he leave lunchtime he’s home to pick up kids from school) it would be more 3 hrs weekday morning or after work /rush hour