Aibu to not let him dress like a girl?

[Cccc412]

Lo is 11 and has ASD (not sure if that's relevant). He's told me he is trans, wants me to buy him dresses, make up, hair extensions etc. This is the first time he has come out and said it although he has made comments about girls clothing being better etc over the past year so I had a feeling this was coming. Not sure how to approach this. My worry is if I do allow him to dress like a girl he will get picked on, he already struggles socially and has been bullied in the past. Also if this is just a phase and he changes his mind, people will not forget and he will have to live with that. Also he will be starting secondary school in September which will be a really tough transition for him. With his ASD he tends to become fixated/obsessed with a topic for months but then it's forgotten about and hes onto the next thing so wondering is this just the latest obsession. Just wondering what others would do if their 11 year old told them they where trans or if anyone else has been in this situation? Aibu to not let him dress as a girl?

Could you say to him, "Well, any clothes you wear are boy clothes because you're a boy. Same for a girl. If a girl came and wore your clothes, they become girl clothes because she wears them."

Why don't you suggest that girls clothes are just worn at home to start with? It's a safe place to try things out.

Did you ever get to see the documentary on the BBC about little Sasha? I wish I could find the full thing but it's incredibly moving and shows how tough it is for parents and child to navigate through society and the school system - but there was no question for them and they dealt with it so incredibly well and have given Sasha the best chance of a happy life

The comments might also help you..

How do boys behave? Asking for a friend?

Personally I would not do anything to facilitate except give them some money to go round the charity shops to choose anything they like.

I have offered help and my views, I'm questioning why a poster is calling a boy, that OP refers to as he as she and her, it's not acceptable.

Also, you can police other posts if you like, don't feel you have to police this one exclusively.

I would let your child wear what they like however I would explain to the risk of other people's reaction and the potential for bullying and I would encourage them to tone it down a little so perhaps joggers and a t-shirt from the girls section instead of skirts and dresses. I would just say at first to see how they feel. Basically I would encourage them to explore who they are with clothes if they wish but to do it slowly. Maybe start off in lower stakes environments.

As for the trans thing I would take a wait and see approach at this point. I wouldn't tell them they are not not would I affirm that they are.

And it wasn't about a different view, so why are you saying that?

Don't do it @Cccc412 . You're right, he doesn't need anything else to make his life more difficult with his peers.

What are you talking about? Last time I checked this was a discussion forum and I can engage with posters however I want. Bugger off

I could be completely wrong but maybe some people with ASD have a different relationship to their body @Cccc412 and maybe that's why they're more likely to think they're 'trans.'

Maybe some sort of athletics would help him feel a more positive relationship to his body?

This. Let him have a couple of girl things, and he can wear these at home or in whatever place he will not run into anyone he knows. Not at school. Also, veto anything you wouldn't let an 11 yr old girl wear (ie anything excessively sexualised/feminised, like hair extensions, false nails heels etc).
Show him that 10 year old girls wear similar things to 10 year old boys! (most girls especially nowadays are wearing baggy jeans and grey sweatshirts with black puffas, not twirling about in pink dresses!). He can be a girl who dresses like a real life girl - not the ridiculous trans look which is actually not what girls or women actually look like.
I would definitely hugely downplay it, and interest will wane.

You've already derailed it sweetie!

I'll comment on POs, if I think it's relevant!

Assuming a she/her pronoun was ludicrous and I'll say so!

HTH!

You’re not going to engage further yet you’re the one that @‘d me completely unprovoked?🤣 okay then.

I have nothing futher to add to the thread hence why I’ve thanked a lot of posters comments as I agree with what’s already been said. Do you want me to copy and paste the majority of comments on here?

There’s 4 fucking pages of advice. If I want to ask a poster why they’re calling a boy, ‘she’ and ‘her’ then I will. You’re very strange and I wish MN would let you block posters on here

It really bothers me that it seems to be mostly kids with ASD who are getting drawn into this.
Honestly, I'd get him off the Internet and whatever is influencing him. Because that's what's happening. He's being influenced and he's more susceptible to it because he has ASD and feels awkward already. He thinks this will make him feel 'right' because that's what's being promised to him online.
If he truly is trans, then he'll still feel that way in 5 years time. There's no need to start dressing like a caricature of a 16 year old girl from the 90s. My DD is the same age as him and I wouldn't have her walking round in make up and hair extensions! Her and most of her friends wear leggings, jogging bottoms, cargo pants and jeans, with long sleeved t shirts or hoodies. They all dress pretty unisex most of the time anyway.

Don’t make any decisions until you get this book,When Kids Say They're Trans: A Guide for Thoughtful Parents
https://amzn.eu/d/8rwTh3d
In the meantime get him off the internet

Clothes are clothes. They don't make you a boy or a girl. And I'd make sure my child understood that. Wear whatever makes you happy, son.

So, from the pov of someone whose son wore a skirt to primary from about 5 & loved dresses that he wore often (though I went with what I'd buy a daughter so nothing frilly or excessively pink etc) who then, around your sons age, declared (hysterically & out of the blue) that he was trans...

This against a background of total acceptance of 'clothing rights' - ie, you can wear whatever you like cos they are just clothes, they don't mean anything. We prepared him for the comments he would get & he was super confident & unbothered. Often his reply would be along the lines of 'but it's ok for a girl to wear trousers?'

It took some unpicking but essentially, he was being coached into the idea by his wellmeaning friends cos the idea was already there that a boy in a skirt = transgirl. We chatted & talked about the need to get to know his body as it is & we'd see what happens. That he was to young to even know himself as he was before wanting to change it.

He continued with his clothing choices though I drew the line at a skirt for secondary on the basis I'd also refuse a skirt for a daughter (on the grounds of it limits movement & makes you to aware of how your sitting, walking etc etc etc) (and no fucking pockets!).

Anyway! He's just a plain ole gay boy. It's that simple. Other people put the idea onto him cos it's just so unacceptable, ultimately, that a boy could lower himself to dress 'like a girl' without there being mental illness involved.

Where we are now - he's 'openly' gay (stupid phrase but I mean he's not ashamed & hasn't hidden it or anything). Mostly grown out of the wearing dresses etc (probably to do with being 6ft 1 & too tall for all my dresses & shoes). We've spoken about what happened a couple of times & he laughs at the idea that's what he thought & is thankful for how I dealt with it. Ie - I didn't just start him on a pathway...

We're also about to get him assessed, I think, cos it's becoming increasingly obvs he's not wired in the same way most others are, at all.

So yeah! Let him wear what he wants & impress upon him that it's actually fine for a man to do that, it doesn't change who he is, it's just pieces of fabric. There's a much higher chance that he's gay than trans & likely higher again that he's having confused thoughts & isn't sure how to process them due to his ASD which makes him far more vulnerable to ideas that might not apply to him.

If you wouldn't let a daughter his age have extensions, then don't let him. I certainly wouldn't. Things like make-up & nails are fine too, just not for school & not to 'beautify' & sculpt, but to be creative. Again, the same rules as you would for a daughter.

To be brutally honest - my son (nearly 15) has become incredibly sceptical of the whole movement now after his experience (which happened thru kindness!) & watching what's happening around him. That's not to say his doesn't believe in gender dysphoria, just that young ppl are getting swept up in it).

I have tried to present everything as neutrally as possible so he (& his brothers) find their own way rather than me coach them.

I obviously don’t know how his ASD is affecting his thinking on this topic, but I would definitely debate him on this and get him thinking logically about what he’s actually saying here.
I would explain to him that his current perception of what women/girls are is narrow minded. He’s lumping half of the population into a homogenous group of people that all love cooking, don’t like football and like to wear pink. He needs to realise how utterly ridiculous that is.
If he wants to wear pink, great do it. If he wants to wear a dress, cool do that. But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s a boy.
I never wear dresses or the colour pink and I hate cooking, am I suddenly a man?!! No, I’m a woman with my own individual personality traits.

i've read that it is more difficult for children/people with asd to understand the nuance of being male and female, and with the onset of puberty 11 it not an easy stage for a boy or a girl.
this being said i'm a firm believer in biology and i would simply say you were born a boy. highlight any and all special boy features; larger heart and lungs, heavier bones and totally different hormones.
in my household this would be a no go, so far all my children and grandchildren appear to embrace their natal sex.

he has ASD and feels awkward already. He thinks this will make him feel 'right' because that's what's being promised to him online.

This makes sense @Cccc412 . He's looking for The Answer. I've been there years ago due to my bipolar and stuff. The Answer doesn't lie in anything except directly addressing the problem. It doesn't lie in clutching on to a random thing he might think is the solution. For instance he might feel better through various therapies and/or medications to address the consequences of his ASD or mental health.

I would dearly love to know where he got the idea that life is easier for girls lol. Yikes! Though he's a bit young to truly explain why that's not the case.

Anyway - given this update (I didn't see it prior to my response, 😬) I think you definitely need to work on the ideas of pink & cooking being girl things. Why that's actually very backwards. He is right on girls clothes being more fun, cos they are! Boys clothes are generally dull AF. But it doesn't have to mean floaty dresses - look at practical stuff that surf/skate brands do. Boden used to have very strong designs for girls that avoided flowers & fairies etc.

That’s such a tough one to navigate… One of my friends is a psychiatrist. She said that kids who identify as trans fit tend to be either ASD or they have tendencies that will likely fit into the Personality Disorder Spectrum. Kids with ASD don’t tend to feel at home in their bodies or with kids their own age. Add hormones and media and it’s a time in life with extra pressure. They are also vulnerable to obsessions and to the perceived approval of their peers. I don’t know if your child understands that having ASD leaves them vulnerable and so does identifying “differently”… I would be very clear about cooking - show them that most chefs are indeed men, that boys can wear pink - it’s an outdated way to show that your baby is a boy or a girl because otherwise babies all look the same, etc, without pushing for or against their idea that they are trans. What I would also suggest is that you nurture other interests until they are old enough to fully grasp their identity and sexuality without negativity surrounding your child’s current belief that they are trans.