Aibu to not let him dress like a girl?

[Cccc412]

Lo is 11 and has ASD (not sure if that's relevant). He's told me he is trans, wants me to buy him dresses, make up, hair extensions etc. This is the first time he has come out and said it although he has made comments about girls clothing being better etc over the past year so I had a feeling this was coming. Not sure how to approach this. My worry is if I do allow him to dress like a girl he will get picked on, he already struggles socially and has been bullied in the past. Also if this is just a phase and he changes his mind, people will not forget and he will have to live with that. Also he will be starting secondary school in September which will be a really tough transition for him. With his ASD he tends to become fixated/obsessed with a topic for months but then it's forgotten about and hes onto the next thing so wondering is this just the latest obsession. Just wondering what others would do if their 11 year old told them they where trans or if anyone else has been in this situation? Aibu to not let him dress as a girl?

*not short enough

Make sure the therapist is explorative, and not affirmative.

And then Mary becomes the boy's enemy and the boy takes this out on her when the teacher's not looking.

Female-only schools should be an option for every girl. It should be a right for girls to be able to learn without being abused as human barriers between misbehaved boys.

I have a trans child and when she came out in Yr 6, she had not seen anything on the Internet. She only knew what trans was because she had learnt about it at school in Yr 5. I think a Yr 7 child will know what trans is and will probably know at least one trans child

Evidence that schools are part of the problem. Why are they teaching 9 and 10 year olds about transsexualism and suggesting to children that they might be transsexual? This isn't something any child of that age needs to know about.

What does that mean?

I’d let him do it.

A family friend’s child who was ASD used to only wear a dress. Always the same one, he loved this particular dress. His parents are lovely and let him wear what he wanted and didn’t make an issue of it. They also ensured that no one else did. His dad even took him into work at his very manly job in his dress and introduced his son - obviously no one mentioned the frock, woe betide them if they had. This boy is now a strapping, rugby loving bloke whose siblings love to remind of his dress phase.

Don’t make it a thing, just let him wear what he wants.

This absolutely isn’t what is happening. We eventually pulled my dd from her school as she was constantly being sat next to the boys who couldn’t behave. She could barely get any work done as she was expected to manage the behaviour of a misbehaving boy. One teacher actually said to her when she asked to be moved ‘but he likes you and you know how to make him behave so just do your best’. She was 11 and this wasn’t even denied when I went in to see her and play merry hell. Worst of all this was repeated numerous times by other teachers until we finally moved her at 13. Fuck that shit.

She’s now in a girls school and so much happier now the only behaviour she has to manage is her own. It’s a disgrace that lazy teachers still pull this shit. Girls definitely have a tougher time in terms of expectations.

@AnneValentine puberty blockers and later testosterone for ftm teenagers can effect fertility.
Those who state they are reversible are not telling the truth. There is not enough data. Why are detransioners infertile? Nobody has enough test cases. This is a decade old ideology. In the USA there are lots of legal cases for 'damage'.
I fought like hell to stop my DD taking these meds. I told her I would come with a court case for anyone who prescribed this shit. Luckily she listened.
All the 'glitter' comes from the states. Our kids get dragged through their cesspit. True transgender people number around 2000 a year. They have surgery. Wearing a dress is fine, I don't think I'd even mind if my husband did but this ideology is dangerous and shouldn't be discussed with primary children imo.

I am autistic. If you’re suggesting some of us are being exploited I agree but I couldn’t be further from on board with this trans crap.

@AnneValentine i wasn't suggesting ND people are all dragged into this. My Nephew is ASD and absolutely male. Ditto my ASD great nephew.
I am trying not to scare the OP but this is a very difficult situation to be in. I don't want to derail the thread but I would suggest reading other MN threads on trans children.

OP, please ignore all this complete mis-information.

There is absolutely no evidence anywhere that 400 or so trans people die every year if you don’t use pronouns and they don’t get puberty blockers.

This is absolutely a type of emotional abuse that needs to be ignored. I hope the OP’s son isn’t being told this kind of crap online, as well as puberty blockers being reversible. This would just be out and out grooming.

You might have specialist mental health training for gender diverse people, but I would seriously question who has been feeding you all this mis-information.

As a child I hated anything girly or feminine. Climbed trees, played football, had short hair and wore jeans and trousers all the time. I was what everyone called a ‘Tomboy’. If I was a child now a days, I’d have had some crazy person telling me I was really trans and was a boy. I still like football and always wear jeans and rarely any makeup, but I am still biologically a woman and that cannot change.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to conform to male/female stereotypes. The grooming, emotional abuse and pushing inappropriate medication onto young people for not wanting to conform is completely wrong and abusive.

@Cccc412 you need to tread really carefully here.

Do you know your DC's therapist's position on transgenderism? A surprising number of therapists have swallowed the ideological nonsense and will affirm any child questioning their gender, meaning if the child says they think they are trans, the therapist will agree, not question, and signpost them towards transition.

If it was me, I'd want to find out if the therapist believes in an affirmation approach before asking for their help, as if they do, they could well confuse your DS further, or even push him towards transition.

It's even quite recent for most people to have a 'gender identity' at all. 15 years ago or so, people would've had to have the idea explained to them before they knew what the question was. Yes some people thought they were trans but apart from extreme cases of gender dysphoria etc, most people hadn't even thought about their 'gender identity' and didn't know what that was.

@Cccc412 As a PP says, be very careful because most therapists have had training to be gender affirming. So they will encourage it. I would sound the therapist out about their views on it and if you don't feel comfortable with their responses, change his therapist.

Putting the trans stuff to one side, there is no dressing "like a girl" or "like a boy." Unless something actually requires genitals to operate, it is unisex, and plenty of men wear skirts (see Scotland) and plenty of women wear trousers. Let him do what he wants.

its very very common in young people with Asd to be trans or gay or bi or any other sexual preference. a lot of it is because they are already confused about who they are they know they aren't the same as everyone else and once puberty starts its so much worse, there's all these extra hormones and its stressful and a lot of people with Asd find they feel comfortable in the opposite sex or attracted to the same gender. its very common, kids are more accepting of stuff nowadays, how about you have a girly day with your child, discuss what they want the transition to look like how they expect people to act, and look at some clothes and makeup, if you prevent it it'll just happen behind your back anyways kids get sneaky especially when they feel suppressed.

maybe don't gender clothing - wearing a dress or nail polish does not a woman make

I’d seek professional advice. Following advice on here for/against allowing him to follow his wishes could be damaging to his MH.

I've read all OPs posts and most of the others. Just wanted to share what I said to my gender nonconforming, as it turns out, gay DS.

"Gender is a social construct based on stereotypes that are harmful to women and men.
Liking football and short hair does not make you a boy.
Liking dancing and glitter does not make you a girl.
Like what you like.
Wear what you want.
Love who you love.
You cannot be born in the wrong body.
You are perfect as you are."

We tried to embrace flamboyant because that suited my DS's interests. Lots of examples - Harry Styles, Joe Lycett. Plenty of frilly blouses, sparkly t shirts and fur coats in the menswear and womenswear sections.

When my kids were born I never expected to need to have goals of getting them to adulthood able to experience sexual pleasure and fertile.

I think your DS may not be being misogynistic, or at least no more so than anyone else socialised into sexism. He may be scared of changing as people have said and feels unsure about how to be a stereotypical man so feels something is amiss = trans in his mind.

Good luck OP. It’s tough parenting ND older kids.

Interesting first post. Welcome to Mumsnet. What brings you to the site?

In my boy's class, a mixture of 3-4 year olds, they were reading my shadow is pink. It seems innocent enough, but once I looked into the book, it was about a little boy who wanted to wear a dress. I asked my four year old about the book and his take was 'he wore a dress to school and everyone wanted to be his friends'. Why are 3 and 4 year olds having this seed planted. Why is it hidden under the guise of acceptance when there is a million other books about acceptance which don't promote gender fluidity. Pre the radical grooming of children in this area, you might have the odd trans kid, but the radical surge in this movement certainly isn't a coincidence.

Utter rubbish. In 2023, 320 trans people died globally - most of them were black, and a large number were sexworkers and reports suggest that their deaths were due to those factors not their trans status.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/jamiewareham/2023/11/13/beaten-stabbed-and-shot-320-trans-people-murdered-in-2023/?sh=417108461646

In fact, more people are killed each year by being trampled by Rhinos or elephants.

In an ideal world, a little boy should be able to wear a dress without it being a loaded act. Clothes should not be gendered and the fact that they are is cultural - the OPs son, for example, could live in many other countries of the world and very acceptably wear skirts/dresses (Greek and Turkish national dress, Japanese robes, etc). It would be easy to simply buy him some of these for messing about in at home. However, as OP has already commented, she probably needs to explore why her DS perceives being a girl/female is an easier option with an impartial therapist (and there are loads out there).

Kilts. you missed kilts 😊

Against an average of 66,000 woman killed globally each year.

(Source: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Femicide )