Aibu to not let him dress like a girl?

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Lo is 11 and has ASD (not sure if that's relevant). He's told me he is trans, wants me to buy him dresses, make up, hair extensions etc. This is the first time he has come out and said it although he has made comments about girls clothing being better etc over the past year so I had a feeling this was coming. Not sure how to approach this. My worry is if I do allow him to dress like a girl he will get picked on, he already struggles socially and has been bullied in the past. Also if this is just a phase and he changes his mind, people will not forget and he will have to live with that. Also he will be starting secondary school in September which will be a really tough transition for him. With his ASD he tends to become fixated/obsessed with a topic for months but then it's forgotten about and hes onto the next thing so wondering is this just the latest obsession. Just wondering what others would do if their 11 year old told them they where trans or if anyone else has been in this situation? Aibu to not let him dress as a girl?

You can limit your own child's access, but you can be sure they'll hear all about it from their mates. There's no way to avoid trans people. They exist, and your kids will hear about them.

This is great advice, as are @Mary1234567 other posts on this thread. So wise.

I'd be pointing out lots of excellent chefs are male. Show him some TV shows with chefs. Some men and boys don't like football it doesn't make them female. Some women and girls love football. Show him the England Ladies football team. Men and boys can and do wear pink. My DH has a pink shirt. Some men's football teams have goalkeepers dressed all in pink. You need to take one of his misconceptions at a time and give him photo evidence to dispel his flawed thoughts. Casualty tell him both men and women can cook. Some men and some women like to cook and others don't. Do not agree with his flawed ideas.

The make up and hair extensions is easy: no, because you're too young (and would be the same for a girl). I'd allow female clothes that are age appropriate, activity appropriate, actually fit him and not over the top - so no miniskirts or full on dresses for every day wear, no trousers that don't fit a boy because they're cut for girls (again, pretty much the same rules as I would have for a girl). Make it clear that these rules are due to age, not gender or sex. But if he wants T shirs from the girls' section, what harm can it do, I'd allow it.

I think you need to make sure that these stereotypes aren't coming from misogynistic sources. The women are treated better, their life is easier, they are better at cooking sounds like the sort of thing incel-infiltrared parts of the internet bang on about, so I'd watch where he's getting these ideas from. Reassure him that those things don't make a girl a girl, and neither do clothes. Really lean away from sparkly and pink = girls. Perhaps make sure he is exposed to women who don't fit the stereotype (some women's sports, perhaps).

You say he has ASD and struggles to fit in. I wonder from the things he's said about why he wants to be trans, if actually he sees it as a way of fitting in better. This wouldn't actually be unreasonable, it seems to be that "trans oddness" is more socially acceptable to kids that "neurodivernce oddness", so maybe your DS thinks he'll fit in better if his peers can just reclassify him as a trans girl. In which case, I think something to build confidence might be in order. Does he have hobbies?

Why are so many people assuming this kid is reading about trans rights on the internet?

It's really logical for a child with ASD to feel that they don't fit in and therefore they must be in a different category. That's why gender stereotypes are harmful!

Also - telling a child with ASD to get a hobby. Easiest way to show someone knows f all about ASD, I'm yet to meet a child with ASD who doesn't have multiple in depth special interests!

Actually on your latest post it sounds like your child is recognising sexism and gender stereotyping and is trying to navigation that. I think helping to understand sexism and stereotyping and show him famous people who are doing what they want fashionwise etc without being trans. E.g. BARRY keoghan wearing red carpet outfits that have a bit of diversity to them but is a male.

Get him off the internet assp. Let him know that it's nit easier for girls at all and it certainly won't be for him if he dresses as one -. Tell him it's ok to dress gender non conforming but he will always be a boy- read Trans by Helen Joyce- affirming will have lasting consequences for him. remember you are the adult and his protector- I wish you well x

As an ASD 11 year old girl I wanted to have short hair and wear boys clothes because

• My body was changing and I didn't like it, and didn't want to wear tight clothes that would show anything developing to other people.
• I had no stereotypical 90s girls interests (as seen in magazines - celebrities, makeup etc) but did have 'boy' interests so thought I might be better off as a boy.
• I didn't want to wear flowery girly clothes
• I got told what girls should and shouldn't do, by friends, family and society.

As an adult woman my wardrobe is a mixture of masculine and feminine. Kept the short hair - and leg hair. I don't waste time on people who enforce stereotypes onto others. I'm also trying to teach my ASD young niece that girls can have short hair and boys can like pink.

Have good, regular chats about stereotypes vs real people, perhaps have a walk around a town to look at adults and discuss how they don't conform. Allow him to pick some fun colourful 'girls' clothes to wear in a safe environment. Current fashion seems to be stonewashed wide jeans and pastels - pretty innocent. I would prefer that over dreary brown and navy 'boys' clothes. As they say, let clothes be clothes :)

This. Where has he heard of the concept of being transgender? Does your 11 year old have unsupervised internet access? Or is he at some woke school that allows sex-obsessed activists to brainwash pre-pubescent children? If so, remove him.

Be very careful who you take advice from. In particular don’t take advice from anyone who emotionally blackmails you by threatening your son will die unless you do everything they tell you. That’s total nonsense. Avoid, too, people who try to include your eleven year old special needs pre-pubescent child in any club where the purpose is to talk about sex.

Contact Transgender Trend and seek advice from them. Also, read Steve Biddulph’s book Raising Boys. He makes the point that if you don’t find your son a healthy gang where he feels like he has a fellowship (scouts? Church? Drama club? Taekwondo?), then your son will find his own gang, and it may not be one you like. Find him some good buddies asap. For lonely ASD boys the Rubik’s cube community can be very positive, perhaps see if you can get him interested in that. There’s lots of online videos that teach you to solve it and then there are competitions etc.

The worst thing you could do would be to agree with him and affirm his delusion. I explained misogyny to my son and the history of the trans movement and he found it all very interesting. Maybe read the Helen Joyce book with him.

Its easier to find your tribe online rather than IRL esp if you struggle with social communication

I wouldn't allow it, no, nor would I allow any further talk of it.

@windysocks I understand that but I meant in respect of the posters who seem to think OPs child is being radicalised online and that the solution is to send him to play rugby in the 1950s.

Also - show him some videos of 1980s male rock stars, then take him shopping for male fun clothes. He can have long hair and sparkly sequin clothes and still be a boy.

Perhaps what this is all partly about is that he has a wardrobe full of black grey and blue drab clothes with football and shark logos and he’s craving a bit of colour and sparkle? If so, get him a load of sequinned t shirts and some pink in his life, but be clear that this does not make him female anymore than his mum wearing jeans makes you male.

@Alessya i'd think twice about recommending church to be a healthy space for kids tbh.

Ah yes, take his Internet access. Punish him for trusting you enough to come out to you. Tell him he's a boy and make him do sports.

It would be so funny if it wasn't a child's life we were talking about.

Sorry if it's been said before, I haven't read the replies: can you at least allow him to wear these things inside the house.

Great Advice from @Alessya

A boy wanting to be a girl because he doesn't fit in with boys is not a gender identity issue, it's a social and cultural issue.

It's a social and cultural issue because for some reason gender roles have become so prescriptive.

It's also a social issue because social contagion has brought us to this point.

Reading the comments above such as 'you are their greatest ally' and calling him 'she' are like reading from the 'trans indoctrination playbook'

As another reader suggested, find your son a hobby, something he can do, a place he can go and find his identity amongst peers. This will be hard and a challenge, but you must do it. Otherwise you're allowing your son to take the first step on the pathway to physical mutilation and permanent dependancy on medical/ support. Because gender re:assignment involves surgeries and medicines being used on otherwise healthy bodies.

Dress, up, be quirky and unique and eccentric. Sure. Also to allow him to believe that you can 'become a girl' will result in disappointment. No male person can become a female, only an imitation.

I question whether gaming has a part to play in this. Young people spend so much time in avatars and then end up losing sense of Thier embodied self. Transgender Trend are a great place to seek advice. I would offer him counselling or therapy with someone who has Thier head screwed on before you accept this.

What do you mean, she? Are you suggesting her son is a girl?

The other thing to keep in mind about clothes is typical boys clothes often appeal when sensory overload is a problem, typical girls clothes can meet a lot of sensory seeking need. Sparkles, textures, ruffles, long hair to fidget/stim with, the physical sensation of things like nail varnish or lip balm. Could be worth exploring that in other ways not just clothing to see whether you can gauge if it's a more of sensory angle or identity angle. Eg with home decor items mentioned above- fluffy throws, sparkly accessories like mirrors or lamps.

@Alessya he probably is hearing things at school and maybe has seen some things online but I think this is more just an age thing. He's about to hit puberty and is trying to figure out who he is as most kids do, he's told me one of his friends is a lesbian and where I live there's a few kids that call themselves non-binary so there's no way of keeping these ideas from him. I do agree with you I think that he is viewing gender in fixed categories and feels that if he likes girly things he must be a girl, I will talk to him tomorrow

I would get him, for example, jeggings, pink t shirt, bright socks and pyjamas.

I certainly wouldn’t buy an 11 year old make up and hair extensions. I would allow nail polish.

There is no way on earth I would let him out the door in a dress. Kids will have a riot crucifying him.

Put him straight on his idea that life is easier for girls. Also that women cook and men play sports! He must have been living under a rock !

@ElonsPsychic why are you assuming OPs child doesn't have hobbies/interests/people that they connect with? Why are you assuming gaming is s problem? The OP hasn't said anything to say that's the case.

Also therapy/counselling is rarely recommended for a child of this age, and it's even less likely to be appropriate for a child with ASD. Talking therapies are not easy for children to engage with, they need a certain level of skill/resilience/understanding to do so, and talking therapies that are suitable for children (or adults for that matter) are rare as hens teeth.

‘She’ and ‘her.’ Are you okay?

So the OP’s son is a ‘he’ now? Make your mind up

So you agree the boy is a he?

Step in the right direction at least!