Aibu to not let him dress like a girl?

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Lo is 11 and has ASD (not sure if that's relevant). He's told me he is trans, wants me to buy him dresses, make up, hair extensions etc. This is the first time he has come out and said it although he has made comments about girls clothing being better etc over the past year so I had a feeling this was coming. Not sure how to approach this. My worry is if I do allow him to dress like a girl he will get picked on, he already struggles socially and has been bullied in the past. Also if this is just a phase and he changes his mind, people will not forget and he will have to live with that. Also he will be starting secondary school in September which will be a really tough transition for him. With his ASD he tends to become fixated/obsessed with a topic for months but then it's forgotten about and hes onto the next thing so wondering is this just the latest obsession. Just wondering what others would do if their 11 year old told them they where trans or if anyone else has been in this situation? Aibu to not let him dress as a girl?

September is a long way away. You'll only make it more exciting if you forbid it, whilst driving a wedge between you.

She may also, just be trans. In which case it would be very damaging for her for you to deny her gender affirmation.

No doubt everyone will be here in a minute to tell you all trans people are evil calculating rapists (whilst simultaneously reminding you there's no transphobia on mumsnet ofc).

Suicide rates among trans youth is so high. I wouldn't risk it personally if it were my child. If it turns out not to be the thing who cares. Plenty of young people try identities on for size.

I am surprised you aren't contacting charities, professionals etc. skilled in this area to help you navigate this, and are instead posting on AIBU (not the SEN board etc...)

Suicide rates among trans youth is so high

I thought there wasn't good enough research to support this?

Agree with first poster, there’s a real chance if you forbid it you’ll make it even more interesting.

Why not buy him one or two “girly” things, and have a look at what support you can get him?

The child is a he not a she!

YABU to be this prescriptive about clothing choices yes - let your child wear whatever he wants. The more he can see that he is free to express himself as himself without adopting complicated labels the better I’d say. Don’t make a big deal of it it isn’t one.

Trippily the op has a son. Why are you referring to her son as she/her?

I'd try and downplay it, hair extensions etc, high cost so not available, let him grow his hair as a compromise? Some "girl" wear maybe?

Haïr extensions and make up are not suitable or necessary for an eleven year old of either sex.

This is very true!

@Grimbelina just wondering what other parents would do or have done in this situation. I am planning on speaking to the ASD team for advice but it's a bit late in the evening for that

The first thing i would be doing is cutting off his Internet access and getting him a hobby.

All the girls near me seem to wear t shirts and joggers or leggings most of the time so not really too drastic really. I might take him to Primani with a modest budget and let him choose a few bits for now and see how it goes. School uniform is pretty much the same for all 11 year olds

I would let your child wear what he wants, if it doesn't turn into anything then it doesn't matter. I would draw the line at hair extensions and makeup though because no 11 year olds need that

Let him do a few subtle changes and see if that appeases him enough. I had my hair cut very short when I was about 9 and looked like a boy. It was nothing to do with trans issues though I just wanted really short hair. My mother let me do it after warning me some people might think Im a boy and it all worked out fine. I let it grow out after a while.

As others have said, forbidding him will only turn it into a battle between you. I'd probably say you will buy him some clothes if he chooses what he wants. And maybe he can get make up with pocket money or something? Hair extensions I'd say no to as too expensive and will look crap. He'll have to grow his own hair if he wants that (possibly while pointing out long hair doesn't = girl)
It's more than likely a phase, but resisting might make him more determined than he otherwise would be.

I agree with @trippily. Also, what pronouns do they want to use? As your parent you are their closest ally and they need your support but this is mumsnet and most will disagree although they are apparently not transphobic.

I'd get him some dresses and let him wear them around the house and out with you without any comment. I'd probably discourage for school (does he have a uniform?).
I'd tell him he's too young for make up and extensions.
Overall I'd treat it like it's no big deal.

In the first instance I would be be finding, reading and understanding the medical research that suggests, far from a neutral act or polite convention, social transition is an active mental-health intervention that poses serious risks to children and adolescents.

I'd like to add I have a son who went through a phase on dressing 'as a girl', we made no comment whatsoever apart from, you look nice. He appears to have completely grown out of it. No mention of wanting to be a girl or pronouns or anything.

@LeavesOnTrees did he ever wear girls clothes outside and did other kids make fun of him/still make fun of him? This is my biggest worry, kids can be so mean

I would let him do it for sure, although you can let him know he might get teased and your concerns. Let him try it in a lower stakes environment, rather than school for the first time. Dysphoria can be very painful and it won't be good for your relationship in the future if he thinks you aren't excepting of him being trans.

Buy trans by Helen Joyce.
Please.

Correct. HE is a BOY, and should be encouraged to behave as a boy