Aibu to not let him dress like a girl?

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Lo is 11 and has ASD (not sure if that's relevant). He's told me he is trans, wants me to buy him dresses, make up, hair extensions etc. This is the first time he has come out and said it although he has made comments about girls clothing being better etc over the past year so I had a feeling this was coming. Not sure how to approach this. My worry is if I do allow him to dress like a girl he will get picked on, he already struggles socially and has been bullied in the past. Also if this is just a phase and he changes his mind, people will not forget and he will have to live with that. Also he will be starting secondary school in September which will be a really tough transition for him. With his ASD he tends to become fixated/obsessed with a topic for months but then it's forgotten about and hes onto the next thing so wondering is this just the latest obsession. Just wondering what others would do if their 11 year old told them they where trans or if anyone else has been in this situation? Aibu to not let him dress as a girl?

Can you support choosing some girly things for his room/ home wear?

Like a pink sparkly dressing gown / slippers and pretty fluffy cushions and bedding?

I'm thinking these are things that stay inside the home so no judging from peers but still allows him to explore and own that side of him?

Maybe some scented lip balms in a tin from home bargains?

Well said

No, he had access to his sister's summer dresses and wanted to wear them outside. It was winter so my DH told him it was too cold , but he could put the dress on over trousers, with a jumper. He said that he didn't want to do that. We said he could in the summer but then he never did.

I still wonder if he was just looking for a reaction. I was completely ready to take him out wearing a dress.

I am an autism specialist and one thing I would say is that autistic people can be very rigid and rule based for example, for them sometimes being trans can be the logical conclusion they come to, after absorbing gender stereotypes and taking them very literally and as very fixed. E.g. ‘ I like caring and I like cooking and art, and those are for girls so I am a girl. I don’t like football so I am not a boy’ or even ‘I want to marry a man not a woman so I am trans’ (when really they may grow up to be gay) basically I think one way you can help your child to explore their identity in a more nuanced way, is by helping them see that boys can wear pink, paint their nails, have long or short hair, etc. I would try to approach gender as something a bit more ‘grey’ than ‘black and white’ and see if they can find somewhere they’re comfortable and discover themselves, without drastic changes but without shaming their possible trans thoughts either. I hope that makes sense.

Jumping the gun a bit?

Just because people may not agree with your suggest doesn’t mean they’re transphobic. Do you always cry bigot when someone disagrees with you?

I'd say he can wear what he likes at home, but before he dresses like that in public, he needs to be sure that he feels resilient enough to handle any teasing or bullying or disapproving stares that it might generate.

Both my two were unconventional dressers and decided they didn't give a stuff what people thought. But you have to develop the confidence to mean that or it might end up being one more thing to feel sensitive and isolated about.

Although I would not force this agenda on them, I would try a gentle approach via mostly listening to them, but whenever they stumble across a grey area I would validate that it being grey is ok. Do you know what I mean? For example I might just ask them open questions like ‘what does it mean to be a girl to you?’ Or ‘if you imagine yourself with long hair/make up on, how do you think you’ll feel?’ Or I might encourage them to do some creative drawings or scrap books of what aesthetics they like, what fashions they like, and then validate them, without jumping to action e.g. get them a hair or fashion magazine and let them make a collage of bits they like, then when they show you, you can comment ‘I love these colours too! These hair styles are very cool aren’t they! I see why you like them, this was a fun project!’ Rather than jumping to: do you want to have this hair style? Try to just validate liking women’s fashions being fine and not requiring action

I would work along with him but agree to small steps and explain you want him to be confident with his choices before going all in out in public so suggest starting with girls pj's, knickers, stuff that isn't blatant to others.
Tell him you'll support him but you'd like if both of you could learn that together.

@HowDoTheyGetThroughLife I’m with you!! Sorry I work in a reception class and there’s a book called you need To chill
or something on the shelf for 4/5 year olds to read and it infuriates me. I’m all
for us supporting other Adults if they wish to change although I don’t agree I think a man is a man a woman is a woman. But never mind I don’t hate on them I just say nothing.

however this book on a 4 year olds shelf is practically telling them and teaching them that it’s okay to want to be something else rather than embrace who they are and what gender they are which in my opinion at 4/5 years old thwy should not even be thinking about gender changes.. it’s on the same shelf as a race book to teach about loving everyone as they are but race and transitioning gender are two different things and one should be taught the other shouldn’t.

i would be encouraging everything but allowing him to wear dresses. It’s becoming too normal in my opinion. I understand people don’t feel comfortable etc but why are we broadcasting it to our Children as if it’s normal. My 2 year old will be taught to love herself and be herself and she will be told to ignore books as such but care everyone for who they are no matter what background. But I absolutely do not support supporting or teqxhomf young children about transgender

What does be encouraged to behave as a boy mean?

@Mary1234567 thank you. A few of the reasons he gave me for being trans is that he would be better at cooking, he hates football and that boys can't wear pink so I definitely think he is associating these things in strict gender categories. He said that life is easier for girls, girls are treated better than boys and girls clothes are prettier. According to him he is straight as in he likes girls.

Also regarding my son I think a lot of the gender stereotypes, you might be trans if you like pink, is a load of bollocks (i've probably just offended half the internet).
I just wanted him to express himself however he wanted without any external influences.

Children like dressing up and experimenting.

@Daysie this is a really good idea about the room decor thank you

Exactly this. No big deal.

He said that life is easier for girls

I hope you set him straight.

Personally no I wouldn't be getting him extensions or dresses. I'd tell him he's a boy not trans and then really limit his access to the internet and anywhere else he is getting these ideas. He's only 11 and in primary school - how is he even getting this information?

For example if they say ‘I want to wear extensions and be a girl’ you can reply with open questions to find out more and reflect together, and then reply to whatever they say by just recasting it / validating it back to them and leave it there. don’t try to disagree or explain the negatives. So you might say ; what do you think you’ll feel when you have make up on? What do you think being a girl will feel like? And then whatever they reply, you reply to validate eg: ‘yes I see what you mean, we all like to feel beautiful don’t we’ or ‘yes it’s fun to choose colourful clothes isn’t it’ and just leave it there. I hope that helps a bit

That's what is be telling him. Children don't need make up or hair extensions. Let him grow his hair if he wants it long. I wouldn't buy a son dresses. There are plenty of Sports wear etc that is for either sex. I'd suggest he wears that. Sadly children with autism often seem to be recruited into saying they are trans.

I'd have a chat about where's he's got the idea from that boys and girls like different activities and why someone can't wear pink and still be a male.

I'd also get him off the internet and ramp up the extra curriculars as already suggested.

That's more to life than hair extensions whatever your gender.

I agree with others who have said about helping them to explore clothing choices without making it explicit about 'girl clothes' and 'boy clothes'. ASD children are less likely to understand/accept social conventions about gender and dress, so it can be difficult to ascertain about whether it's a trans identity, or just genuinely preferring the clothes in the section they don't usually buy from. Eg it's common for ASD girls to like typical boy clothing because it's often preferable if there are sensory needs (looser fitting, softer fabrics)

Other children are typically much more accepting than they used to be due to the culture shift, but I understand about being cautious with school due to identities 'sticking' , especially at the point of starting high school. However given that there will be uniform rules and presumably no make up or high extensions allowed in year 7, I think setting it as something for outside of school on that basis is reasonable.

Also you probably know this, but it's likely they'd need some preparation to understand that other people might comment if they are wearing something that is 'different' and how to handle that if so. What your child might see as a preference another child might view as really rebellious, and that can be confusing. I say that as a late diagnosed adult with ASD, wore what I wanted as a teen and it's only looking back that I realise some people interpreted it as me making a big 'statement' and I really had no idea - i didn't connect the same meaning to things that they did!

From my own experience my DD also had similar thoughts early teens. She told us she was gay at the age of 13 and then for a few years waxed and waned re her gender. Dd has learning difficulties including autism so had access to lot of support at school (she also started absconding so displaying risky behaviour). She met with a local LGBTQ group and through that realised her true identity. She was and now a female lesbian.

She is now 21and we talked about this period recently and she admitted that she was very heavily influenced by social media and it was also part of her discovering her sexuality/identity. She admits it her part of trying to work out where she fitted in the world.

She is very much a 'masc' but knows both her gender and her sexuality

Yes, good idea. Does he enjoy sport? Maybe a team game if he does.

@Bigearringsbigsmile "The first thing i would be doing is cutting off his Internet access and getting him a hobby"

😂😂😂

Very good piece of advice.

Men can like stereotypically feminine things but that doesn't mean they are a woman.

And yes cut the internet access and get him outside.