Aibu to not let him dress like a girl?

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Lo is 11 and has ASD (not sure if that's relevant). He's told me he is trans, wants me to buy him dresses, make up, hair extensions etc. This is the first time he has come out and said it although he has made comments about girls clothing being better etc over the past year so I had a feeling this was coming. Not sure how to approach this. My worry is if I do allow him to dress like a girl he will get picked on, he already struggles socially and has been bullied in the past. Also if this is just a phase and he changes his mind, people will not forget and he will have to live with that. Also he will be starting secondary school in September which will be a really tough transition for him. With his ASD he tends to become fixated/obsessed with a topic for months but then it's forgotten about and hes onto the next thing so wondering is this just the latest obsession. Just wondering what others would do if their 11 year old told them they where trans or if anyone else has been in this situation? Aibu to not let him dress as a girl?

Well, quite. If he can't behave (or be encouraged to behave) like a 'boy' how can he want to behave and change to become a 'girl'. He is what he is and cannot change that. However he behaves, he will always be a boy.

Yes I agree. The people here saying let him wear pick and sparkly things I feel would only reinforce stereotypes. Men can wear pink, women can wear blue and still be a man/ woman. He's obviously already been fed a lot of stereotypical rubbish by the fact he's saying I want to be a girl because I like cooking and don't like football 🙄

Yep. This was very much me as a child. I knew there were only two genders. You were either a boy or girl. I was apparently a girl. Except I didn't understand girls. I couldn't play house, or any other make-believe game, or role play games. I didn't like hugging, holding hands, plaiting hair, or any of the other touchy-things "girls" did. I hated skirts and dresses because the wind burned my legs. E.t.c.

My favourite colour was blue. I liked trousers. I liked Lego. I like collecting Pokémon cards, Pogs and small toy cars. I liked being out on my bike and hanging upside-down from trees. All the things I didn't see girls around me doing. I didn't have many friends because of this. I was absolutely 100% certain I was a girl, but with the wrong brain. I thought I must have got a boy's brain by mistake. Because if I didn't think like a girl, by default that meant I must think like a boy. It was that simple.

This was over 30 years ago. Transgenderism wasn't a thing many people would have been aware of. Yet the thought process I had then is the same thought process I keep reading about now from trans kids. Especially autistic ones. Except now there are "experts" telling them that yes your body is wrong but we can fix that. It's terrifying. I am so glad I am not a child in this day and age because this is what would be happening to me.

Now, over 30 years later, I understand my belief was just an autistic/logical mind trying to make sense of why I wasn't like anyone else. At one stage I even wondered if I was an alien lol. My thinking constantly changed as I matured and learned more about myself. It wasn't until I properly learned about autism that it finally click. It was a huge "Ooooh so that's what that was!" moment.

I am very much just a woman with an autistic brain. Not a boy's brain.

And I still hate dresses.

Surely wanting to be 'trans' shows that the person already has mental health issues (dysphoria at least), which would make them a higher risk anyway. I think 'trans' gets in the way.

Would you encourage an anorexic? Someone with bulimia?

I thought this part was interesting too. It would be worth exploring with him what experiences have led him to feel women have it easier. Before jumping to dismiss it with ‘no they don’t !’ Just ask a bit more. For example maybe he’s experienced other boys being rough with him or laughing at him for not being sporty enough, or whatever it may be, or he’s been shamed for crying by a male teacher, and he may have (in his young and autistic mind) coped by thinking ‘this doesn’t happen to the girls’. There has to be some interesting experiences/thought processes behind what’s led him to think life’s easier for girls, so it would be very interesting to ask him more about that too.

My DD (16) yr 11 fell for the trans trend for a few years. She’s autistic. In year 7, she had an English teacher who identified as a “demi girl” and would engage with children at lunch and break for special chats. My dd started using he/they for a bit. I refused to play along. The teacher was let go after complaints. My DD is well out the other side now and knows what a woman is. She has a trans friend but she’s also well aware that her trans friend will never be able to change sex.
Be careful who your son is talking to, make sure he gets his info from you.

He’s not trans. He’s autistic. That’s really clear from this post.

I think start unpacking each point. Pretty isn’t because girl. Pink for both. Book him on a cooking course. Etc.

No YANBU, don't entertain it.

Does he have social media? Where is he getting this from?

Oh ffs I absolutely despair. Thank god this woman was removed and all has worked out ok for you.

Not many girls his age go in for hair extensions make up and dresses.
Couldn’t he just wear jeans, jumper and grow his hair like most girls. He could have a bit of chipped nail varnish to peel off during lessons, if he wants to get the full look.

Boggles me so a child yes a child says to a parent I want to be a fireman, are you then going to chuck him/her into a burning fire???

this might not be the right approach as I have no experience of this but I think sometimes kids see things on Tiktok etc and think how easy it looks. So I’d speak to them about how changing sex is not possible, you’ll always biologically be a boy, but some people have surgery and you don’t suddenly transform with a click of fingers like these videos have kids believe - it’s a lot of surgery and there’s no going back. I’d give a bit of reality to it and also monitor more closely what they are watching. My eldest I strongly believe has ASD but he’s 30 and wasn’t diagnosed as wasn’t as easy to get that kind of assessment like now. But he also had obsessions (still does) but after a few months moved onto the next. When he was 3 he wanted to called Rachel and told the nursery staff they had to call him rachel. He wanted to wear a dress. It didn’t last long.

Correct. HE is a BOY, and should be encouraged to behave as a boy

@HowDoTheyGetThroughLife wtf does this even mean?

You do realise that the concept of "boy behaviour" and "girl behaviour" actually supports transgender beliefs, right?

So long as they are polite and kind, let the kid behave how they chose.

I’d stop internet access, let them wear what they want - not hair extensions or make up as these aren’t ok for an 11 year old - and not label clothes as boys or girls. You could just buy neutral clothing and I’d be switching their attention to a hobby or new activity as a distraction from the internal ruminations. A lot can change for an 11 year old in a few months!

I think you need to (if you don't already) put blocks on your WiFi eg Reddit, Tiktok and other websites where you think he may have heard about this. Discuss gendered stereotypes and puberty (boys then girls).

Also tell him that hair extensions and makeup aren't suitable for children - girls and boys. I wouldn't buy him dresses, but if he wants pink t-shirts then that's fine.

He’s still very young. At that age nearly all my daughter’s friends labelled themselves as lesbians. This was a phase.

I worry about how an 11 year old knows enough about what transgenderism is to decide they want that for themselves. Does he have a lot of access to the internet?

What complete and utter rubbish. First of all, the OPs child is male, so why are you referring to him as ‘she’?
Second, statistically people who transition are MORE likely to suffer from associated mental health conditions, not less. Suicide rates amongst ‘trans’ youth is not high, in fact it’s the opposite. I think you’d do well to actually educate yourself rather than regurgitating inflammatory TRA nonsense.

I am gender critical but have an asd son

I would probably remind him he is a boy but boys can dress and present how they like. Remind him that other kids can be mean but if he wants to choose some clothes then you will take him shopping. If he wants to grow his hair that is fine. He can be a gender non conforming boy but he is still a boy

Hi OP - my family went through similar when my ASD child was 11 and nearing secondary school. Girl in this instance and needing to explore their identity. My child was undiagnosed ASD at the time and do think relevant.

I think these children can feel like imposters sometimes in the world they are growing up in, feel like they don’t quite fit and a logical way of exploring why and trying to find an explanation is by thinking they are wrong, so their gender could be wrong.

Any way we didn’t encourage but didn’t didn’t discourage, we listened we supported we followed their lead. We navigated this period by not dismissing but by accepting. I made it clear that all I wanted for them was to be happy, I was clear from the start that they could dress and express them self how they wanted but there would be no hormones medical intervention until they are adult, should that be what they chose. I said this from the get go - the first time they told me they wanted to be a boy. It wasn’t because i didn’t love or support them, but because I said they needed time to understand them self properly. That topic never came up again. I think you need to be very direct with this expectation don’t blur the lines and separate it completely. I also limited social media use, they weren’t allowed TikTok or insta until they were 14/15. They had snap chat at 13 (monitored) - so they could talk to their friends and not feel completely out the loop. But I just felt like the former would have fixated them more and skewed their thinking on their gender, they needed to work it out either way without too much outside influence.

I dealt with it by neutralising their gender, removing she and he and just letting them be. Some would say that ‘s a label in itself but it was very useful and very freeing for my child. They were then free to explore without social restrictions and expectations. They could just be. - they flirted between being really boyish, to then being gender neutral, back to more masculine and then now experimenting with girls clothes and make up again this year. They are have more of an alternative style emo but not full on so it’s been easier in that respect for them to go between. I also noticed if their mental health was poor they would revert more so into the boys clothing think it felt safer for them.

my child is nearing 16 now, I still say they as my brain is programmed now, but they are more of a she. It wasn’t forced by me it happened organically, we never made how they expressed them self a big deal outwardly it was a non issue. Don’t get me wrong I agonised over if I was doing right by my child and had many sleepless night’s. I was scared for their future. However, I would have supported whatever path they choose but it would have been hard for so many reasons.

My advice is go with the flow, remove expectations, reframe your way
of thinking. The best thing I did for us all was when I said to my self “this isn’t about me this is about them” - that removed my hurt. Don’t get me wrong there were times it was hard, but it doesn’t have to be. Just be the amazing mother you are love them unconditionally and you won’t go wrong whatever path they choose. Be their one champion be the person they talk to and open up to and just hold their hand.

I don’t regret for a second how we navigated this period, my husband struggled more and questioned me a lot and was a lot more cautious. When the long hair was cut he tried to stopped it I put my foot down. He tells me now I made the right choices and he thanks me for how I handled it all. Our child is amazing happy and know’s they are loved no matter what. You’ve got this op..

If he likes cooking I would encourage him and watch some cooking shows (catch up TV) e.g. GBBO, Great British Menu, Masterchef where there are both men and women who make fantastic creations. GBBO is good as some people follow along and make one of the bakes each week.

Buy him some pink clothes e.g. sweatshirt, shirts etc.

Keep the dialog open.

I am really shocked about the YABU/YANBU split. I honestly think in a situation like this, you have to assume your child is trans and it is not phase. It may turn out to be a phase. School will be amazing and will keep a very close eye on bullying. Child doesn't have to go from boy to girl in one fell swoop. Let their hair grow long naturally. Start changing up clothes as they need new ones. Let it unfold organically. Without rush and also without brakes. If you try to stop your child being trans, it will not stop them. It will just make their childhood horrible and probably make them depressed.

I think you've entirely missed the point here. He's autistic, which means that life is really hard for him as a baseline before even considering gender - so there's a chance that this is him trying to find a way in which life might be easier.

There's also a chance that this is genuine dysphoria and he's trans.

At this point, there's no real way to tell either way, or if it's the third option (this is just a phase).

I think the earlier suggestion of buying him girls' clothes that are only worn in the house (eg PJs etc) to begin with may help, and see if it's one of his temporary fixations or not.

I haven't missed the point at all. I am autistic myself with autistic children. I know what autism feels like. I know what being a child who doesn't fit due to stereotypes is as I lived it. I'd have been so called transed but thankfully in the 90s that wasn't a thing.

I'm of the opinion that there is no good reason for adults to trans a child. 80 percent of children grow out of gender dysphoria and I wouldn't enable an anorexic so why another way to abuse the body. Autistic children need extra time to mature and navigate this because they mature more slowly as well. Absolutely everything about an autistic brain makes them vulnerable and trans is one way of exploiting that vulnerability.

Please don't equate autism with trans and maybe do some actual research on it.

I’d let him wear what he wants within reason. - I think extensions and make up are unsuitable for any 11 year old.
I think this could be a great opportunity to discuss gender stereotypes with your child Explain that he can wear what are stereotypically ‘girls’ clothes whilst still being biologically a boy and that you will support him in that if that is what he wants to do.