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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to keep baby things given to me by my sister.

281 replies

Noonesawme · 23/01/2024 10:16

When DS was born, DSis gave us all their baby things including big bits like crib and changing table and loads of clothes. They are adamant they're not having more children so there was never a conversation about needing to give anything back when she gave them to us. I am genuinely very grateful for her giving us all these bits.

DSis has now asked for a lot of these things back to give to her DH's sister who is having her first baby.

I do feel a bit annoyed at this. DS is still young so we haven't decided for sure yet if we want another but it's definitely not off the table and we have put these things away now DS has finished with them (she isn't asking for anything DS is still using, just that he has outgrown, to be fair).
I did say to DSis we were hoping to keep everything ready for if and when we have another and DSis spoke to her sis-in-law who agreed to give anything back if we have a second.
I still feel a bit irritated though. Her sis-in-law is a bit older than me so probably likely to have a second baby not that long after they have this one if they want another (I don't know her at all, just going on what DSis has mentioned) so I can see that we may well end up clashing with needing some of these bits and because it'll be in her house, she'll be the one that gets to keep them. From what I know of her they have a lot more money than DH and I do and could probably much more easily afford to buy all these things if they weren't given them whereas we would really struggle to replace everything we thought we wouldn't have to think about at all.
I know I didn't buy these things myself but they are sentimental also as they were DS's baby things and I just don't really want to give them away and have to hope we get them back.
WIBU to just refuse to give them back?

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 23/01/2024 15:02

OhmygodDont · 23/01/2024 14:55

Op should have clarified if they were given or on loan.

Id never expect to just be given big ticket items for free forever unless they were actual presents. Presented as presents not just a yeah you can use our babies stuff.

Show quote history

But we don't know how it was presented.

It could've been ''you can use our babies stuff'' but at the same time it could've also been ''You can have these, we're finished with them'' which to me would mean they now belong to OP, not sister.

Therealjudgejudy · 23/01/2024 15:05

Sounds like you can't afford a second child anyway...

Ohnoooooooo · 23/01/2024 15:30

If you have a few sentimental pieces ask her if you can keep them and hand the rest back. You can’t rely on either of you getting pregnant with a 2nd at will. She may only want one child or being older might take longer to get pregnant.

JamJar59 · 23/01/2024 16:12

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/01/2024 15:02

But we don't know how it was presented.

It could've been ''you can use our babies stuff'' but at the same time it could've also been ''You can have these, we're finished with them'' which to me would mean they now belong to OP, not sister.

Show quote history

When it comes to sharing baby stuff I don’t think it’s something that even needs to be discussed.

most reasonable people would assume that if items are passed down then there’s a moral obligation to pass it forward or hand it back when they are needed again by the previous owner.

We’ve passed around lots of things and didn’t have to say that it was strictly a loan or if it’s explicitly giving over ownership. Especially in the case of the OP, that’s their SISTER who gave it to her in good faith.

OP is clearly in the wrong.

Original poster
Noonesawme · 23/01/2024 16:15

ClumsyNinja · 23/01/2024 14:37

YABU, because you’ve already had use of them and you don’t currently need them yourself.

Presumably the items were jointly owned by your BIL and your sister?

Supposing your BIL had given them to his sister first and your sister then wanted to offer them to you but the sister said she wanted to keep hold of them ‘just in case’.

Would you think ‘that’s fair enough, first come, first served’ or would you think she was being a bit selfish…?

This is actually really thought provoking, thank you. I see your point. I would hope that my DSis would advocate for me to have been able to use them as well if they had already given them to someone else and I suppose I have to appreciate that that's likely the situation here with BIL wanting to advocate for his DSis to have them too. I suppose I do just feel a bit worried about parting with them and risking not getting them back as I'd love to see a future child using the same things DS used.

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 23/01/2024 16:17

JamJar59 · 23/01/2024 16:12

When it comes to sharing baby stuff I don’t think it’s something that even needs to be discussed.

most reasonable people would assume that if items are passed down then there’s a moral obligation to pass it forward or hand it back when they are needed again by the previous owner.

We’ve passed around lots of things and didn’t have to say that it was strictly a loan or if it’s explicitly giving over ownership. Especially in the case of the OP, that’s their SISTER who gave it to her in good faith.

OP is clearly in the wrong.

Show quote history

Why is it suddenly different when it comes to baby stuff?

If it is a loan, then it should be made clear
If you are giving someone something, it then belongs to them

I don't think it makes anyone unreasonable to assume that giving = it now belongs to them.

ladykale · 23/01/2024 16:19

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/01/2024 10:25

Did she actually give them you or let you borrow them? I think there's a difference.

If she gave them you, they are now yours and it is ultimately up to you what you do with them because they no longer belong to your sister.

If you borrowed them, they still belong to your sister and you need to do as she wishes with them.

In either scenario OP is being a selfish dick...

JamJar59 · 23/01/2024 16:20

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/01/2024 16:17

Why is it suddenly different when it comes to baby stuff?

If it is a loan, then it should be made clear
If you are giving someone something, it then belongs to them

I don't think it makes anyone unreasonable to assume that giving = it now belongs to them.

Show quote history

Because baby stuff is expensive (collectively) and most things are only used for a few months. Most families and friends swap baby items so it should be obvious without having to explicitly say so.

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/01/2024 16:24

JamJar59 · 23/01/2024 16:20

Because baby stuff is expensive (collectively) and most things are only used for a few months. Most families and friends swap baby items so it should be obvious without having to explicitly say so.

Show quote history

Clearly not all families/friends work the same way. In my circle, if you give someone something, baby item or not it then means that it now belongs to the person you gave it to.

A loan is different.

OhmygodDont · 23/01/2024 16:26

But the worry and risk of not getting back something that was not truly your to start with is weird.

Let’s face it your sister and bil saw it as a loan to family members so as many family
members as possible can use without the cost they had.

It’s amazingly lovely that you basically got most of your first child’s stuff at no cost. Try the positives rather than the omg what if I don’t get to borrow it again. Think at how much money you saved even once.

CecilyP · 23/01/2024 16:34

It’s amazingly lovely that you basically got most of your first child’s stuff at no cost. Try the positives rather than the omg what if I don’t get to borrow it again. Think at how much money you saved even once.

Except if OP does have a second child, she’ll almost certainly have to buy everything again, so she’ll have saved nothing, and without the pleasure of getting to choose everything for her first.

Deadringer · 23/01/2024 16:55

she'll almost certainly have to buy everything again there's no again, she didn't buy anything in the first place, and if she wanted the pleasure of choosing stuff for her first baby she should have done so.

Snowdogsmitten · 23/01/2024 17:00

I was lent lots of stuff by a friend to use for my first child. I was having an ELCS and had got everything sorted and set up. When my baby was just over a week old, they asked for it all back immediately as their SIL was due any day… their brother’s wife was only a couple of weeks behind me so why they offered it to me in the first place if they wanted her to have it, is beyond me. It had included a Moses basket so it was a bit of a pain.

Snowdogsmitten · 23/01/2024 17:00

I still gave it all back though…

BreatheAndFocus · 23/01/2024 17:20

If you wanted special things to keep or use for multiple children, you should have bought your own things. If there are a couple of items that are very special to you, eg first outfit, Xmas outfit or whatever, then ask if you could keep those and give the rest back.

My mum had a similar situation and was really upset about not getting her things back. Don’t be that person!

StarlightLime · 23/01/2024 17:23

Noonesawme · 23/01/2024 11:39

Wow! Overwhelmingly BU then... Fair enough!
It's not that I'm being selfish. Well I suppose I am, I'm just worried about not getting these things back if and when we need them as they are special to us. Not just from being DS's but my niece and nephew too. But you're right, the odds are slim that we'll have a second baby at the same time so I'll hand it over. Thank you

You've no entitlement to "get those things back if you need them"!
They weren't yours to begin with. Bloody hell, op!

StaunchMomma · 23/01/2024 17:52

They are not your or your DC's things. They belong to Dsis AND her DH, and if you get to use them then so do his siblings, if that's as they wish.

You sound incredibly entitled and yes, YWBBU to refuse to give them back THEIR property.

Noglitterallowed · 23/01/2024 18:06

How selfish of you! Amazes me how some people can be! Happy to take free stuff from someone but won’t pass back to help anyone else! Astounding

Noglitterallowed · 23/01/2024 18:08

Also if things are that sentimental and you want to use again then buy your own?

Bellaboo01 · 23/01/2024 18:13

Of course pass/share these items.

Does this even need to be a thing, considering these aren't even items that you purchased yourself!!!

Theatrefan12 · 23/01/2024 18:13

The person who paid for them can give them to whoever they want

I wouldn’t see items in this scenario as a gift but you have borrowed them. If they want them back then you should give them back, especially as you are not actually using them

You want both your children to use the same stuff then you should have paid for it and got your own

Mamabear487 · 23/01/2024 18:18

Wow. Get a grip you sound so very selfish. They aren’t yours give them back to help out another mum to be.

Rosebadger · 23/01/2024 18:21

I think you were fair to ask the question even though I do think YABU. And you’ve dealt with the feedback really well.

I have just been gifted a lot of things for our first baby. I’m a bit older so if we have another it would have to happen in the next couple of years really. If I was asked to give things back in the meantime I would do without question, however the exception being I would ask to keep some of the clothes that I now feel really attached to! Just a few babygros that we’ve loved our baby wearing and are now sentimental to us! But all the kit I wouldn’t consider ‘ours’. If we still had it but didn’t end up needing it again I would also ask if they wanted the items back before passing them on ourselves.

ScattyGinger · 23/01/2024 18:29

If she does have two babies in quick succession then you may get them back after and get to keep them if you have your baby last, if it means that much to you. 😆

I think it's fair for her to ask for them back. Can't you keep some clothes and other items for sentimental reasons instead?

LadyBird1973 · 23/01/2024 18:36

All these people laying into the OP, but she was under the impression the baby equipment was given to her. And you can't really give things away twice - if sister had given them to the OP, they are no longer hers to give away again. It sounds like a misunderstanding or sister has done what many people do, which is to give stuff away and then regret it, so tries to make it seem as if it was always a loan, even though this was never the case! It's sort of like a benign kind of gaslighting - ive had people give me things in the past, then change their minds and act like it was loan. People can be weird.