AIBU to want to keep baby things given to me by my sister.

[Noonesawme]

When DS was born, DSis gave us all their baby things including big bits like crib and changing table and loads of clothes. They are adamant they're not having more children so there was never a conversation about needing to give anything back when she gave them to us. I am genuinely very grateful for her giving us all these bits.

DSis has now asked for a lot of these things back to give to her DH's sister who is having her first baby.

I do feel a bit annoyed at this. DS is still young so we haven't decided for sure yet if we want another but it's definitely not off the table and we have put these things away now DS has finished with them (she isn't asking for anything DS is still using, just that he has outgrown, to be fair).
I did say to DSis we were hoping to keep everything ready for if and when we have another and DSis spoke to her sis-in-law who agreed to give anything back if we have a second.
I still feel a bit irritated though. Her sis-in-law is a bit older than me so probably likely to have a second baby not that long after they have this one if they want another (I don't know her at all, just going on what DSis has mentioned) so I can see that we may well end up clashing with needing some of these bits and because it'll be in her house, she'll be the one that gets to keep them. From what I know of her they have a lot more money than DH and I do and could probably much more easily afford to buy all these things if they weren't given them whereas we would really struggle to replace everything we thought we wouldn't have to think about at all.
I know I didn't buy these things myself but they are sentimental also as they were DS's baby things and I just don't really want to give them away and have to hope we get them back.
WIBU to just refuse to give them back?

You made an assumption that these big ticket items were a gift but you were incorrect. The same way you want them back because they are special to you is the way your sister feels about wanting them back because they are special to her. She wants to be able to loan them to someone else she loves. You were able to get free use of some items that would have cost you a lot to buy, but by taking an attitude of entitlement to ownership toward them rather than gratitude for the gift of USE of them, you are essentially punishing your sister for her generosity.

This attitude is the reason so many people refuse to lend out their larger baby items when their child has outgrown them. No one wants to have risk not getting their crib back if they don't spell out all the details. A crib costs hundreds, therefore it was a loan. Of course she wants it back, it was her baby's crib and she bought it!!!!! Don't treat your sister like a random freecycler.

I think most people buy a new pram because they are used constantly for a 2-3 year period per child.

But I certainly know families where baby stuff gets passed around. Why on earth not?
Especially things like baths, high chairs, change tables, bouncers that are only used for short periods.

I bought a solid change table, I'm sure the person I bought it from had got it 2nd hand, I then passed it on to someone else when I was done with it.
£15 bargain!

If there are 1 or 2 outfits that you feel deep sentimental feelings for I would take those out and pass the rest on.

But they don't belong to you. You've borrowed them so as special as they are, they're not yours

I understand that initial pang of sentimentality, OP, but equally I don't think it's at all unreasonable of your Dsis to want someone else to benefit whilst they're unused.

Our first baby came unexpectedly early and we didn't have any clothes small enough to fit her. The afternoon she was born, my MIL dashed out to the supermarket and brought us a pack of plain white babygros in Tiny Baby size. When DD had finally grown out of them a few months later DMIL asked for them back to give to a friend. DH and I both felt a bit of a pang as they'd come to be associated with such a special but vulnerable time, but knew it wasn't really our place to hang onto all of them.

In fairness to the OP, @ZZGirl, she hasn't said that her sister told her it was a loan - she said she was given the items. If I give someone a gift, I don't expect to be able to ask for it back so I can give it to someone else.

It sounds like your sister gave it as a loan and you thought it was a gift. I can understand why you were a bit miffed in that case, but I think the fault lies with both of you for not being clear.

The only thing that’s turned these gifts into a loan is that the DSis’s SIL is expecting and the DSis wants to look generous. Otherwise they would have been OPs to keep for a second baby or to pass on to a recipient of her choice once she’d decided to stop at one.

You can buy baby things really cheaply. If you are in a position to do so then start sticking £20 a week or something similar away so you have a little amount to buy what you need. Your sister was very kind to lend you the things but time to give them back.

I’m really shocked at people’s answers! I got given the majority of my baby stuff from my SIL, cousin and best friend. I will be having another baby in about a year, money is obv tight as anything from being on Mat leave, and yes- it’s all super sentimental! If they had legitimately loaned the items they should have said! You can’t give someone something then ask for it back 😣

Just keep a couple of little bits and pieces. My dc are older teens and I don't have any clothes/blankets/shoes or any of that baby stuff. Got photos of the kids and the kids are wearing/using the things in the photos.

If you bought them yourself yet. But these were things that belonged to the sister now the sister wants them to be used again and passed onto her sister in law. That sounds reasonable. Better than them sitting dusty in the loft just in case OP has another child in X years time. If she does have a child the things may have gone out of fashion anyway. So much better for them to be used now

Surely the onus is on OP to infirm if it's a loan or a gift?

I agree. This thread has taken a strange turn. Usually the giver is told they are being unreasonable to want things back or at least the voting is much more even.

I meant for the future baby that does not exist that op wants to keep the items for because she can't afford to buy them that spoke of in her thread not the baby she had used the items on.

It's much better to pass things around between family and friends rather than everyone buying their own and storing them for years.

These are items that are only needed for a short time; they should be with people who need them now.

It's not even that much about money in my opnion, it's about not buying unnecessary items. Sharing is more sensible, efficient and just kinder as well.

It’s really just better to pay it forward and show the generosity you’ve been shown. I’ve given things to friends knowing I might not get some of it back due to breakages, loss or just becoming sentimental about something but I’d find it totally selfish if I asked for it back for those reasons and got a ‘no’ because of a ‘maybe’ future baby.

Also second hand baby things are not expensive for replacing, I spent less than £400 on my first baby including cots, travel systems, toys, clothes, the lot. Because of sharing with friends and family and buying sensibly.

YABVU if it hadn't been for your sister you would have had to buy everything anyway.

Stop being entitled, it’s not your property to keep. You were very lucky that your sister lent them to you for your first child to save you some money but if you can’t afford to BUY the items your baby needs if her SIL is still using them then you really shouldn’t be having a second child anyway. 🤷‍♀️

YABVVVU! also if you are in a such a bad financial situation that you wouldn't be able to replace everything, why are you even considering having another child?
The items were never yours to begin with, you give them back to the person who actually owns them, it's that simple.

Possibly because the same thing spun the other way.
If the sister was to say am i right to ask my sister if my SIL can borrow what was my stuff she'd probably get told she was being unreasonable to ask for it back.

However regardless of what way you spin it the Op would be unreasonable to say 'no I'm keeping it just incase'.

The Op would appear very selfish to insist that she holds onto the stuff for a baby that may not even happen.

Baby stuff dates, the regulations change, people want relatively new stuff. Nobody wants stuff that's been in the loft for 10 years. What is Op planning on doing with it, if she doesn't have a baby?
The Op and SIL might never have second babies never mind having them at exactly the same time for the stuff to be shared again.

This attitude is the reason so many people refuse to lend out their larger baby items when their child has outgrown them. No one wants to have risk not getting their crib back if they don't spell out all the details. A crib costs hundreds, therefore it was a loan. Of course she wants it back, it was her baby's crib and she bought it!!!!! Don't treat your sister like a random freecycler.

There’s no ‘of course’ about it. Different if DSis was expecting another baby herself. However it looks like she wants it back just to appear generous.

That's really strange to me unless you haven't got many friends or family members having babies within a few years of you.

I think there were two prams in our whole family that have done for all the cousins - we had a new baby each year in the family for 8 years. There was a bouncy chair that they all used. Our youngest is the youngest of the lot and we bought nothing new except the car seat and a few items of clothing.

Behave 😂😂😂

What the hell. I don't even know where to begin on how unreasonable you are. You sound deeply unpleasant. Of course you should give them back. You have no right whatsoever to say no. Buy your own stuff if you want to keep them in your attic forever don't nick someone else's who did a kind thing to start with.

Keep a few outfits that mean something to you but getting sentimental over a changing table, baby bath etc is silly. She won't have an itemised list of clothes and presumably you brought something your self so SIL gets what's left and in decent condition. But the larger items you really should pass back.

And don't have a second until you can afford to provide for it, even if it's second hand.