AIBU to want to keep baby things given to me by my sister.

[Noonesawme]

When DS was born, DSis gave us all their baby things including big bits like crib and changing table and loads of clothes. They are adamant they're not having more children so there was never a conversation about needing to give anything back when she gave them to us. I am genuinely very grateful for her giving us all these bits.

DSis has now asked for a lot of these things back to give to her DH's sister who is having her first baby.

I do feel a bit annoyed at this. DS is still young so we haven't decided for sure yet if we want another but it's definitely not off the table and we have put these things away now DS has finished with them (she isn't asking for anything DS is still using, just that he has outgrown, to be fair).
I did say to DSis we were hoping to keep everything ready for if and when we have another and DSis spoke to her sis-in-law who agreed to give anything back if we have a second.
I still feel a bit irritated though. Her sis-in-law is a bit older than me so probably likely to have a second baby not that long after they have this one if they want another (I don't know her at all, just going on what DSis has mentioned) so I can see that we may well end up clashing with needing some of these bits and because it'll be in her house, she'll be the one that gets to keep them. From what I know of her they have a lot more money than DH and I do and could probably much more easily afford to buy all these things if they weren't given them whereas we would really struggle to replace everything we thought we wouldn't have to think about at all.
I know I didn't buy these things myself but they are sentimental also as they were DS's baby things and I just don't really want to give them away and have to hope we get them back.
WIBU to just refuse to give them back?

It is really annoying when someone changes their mind and decides that what they gave you is actually a loan now. I'd rather not have it in the first place! Especially when they make out it's you at fault for not wanting to return things.
It does sound though as if neither of you clarified out loud what the arrangement was - you thought these items were a gift and maybe your sister always thought of them as hers.
I do think she wants the glory of being lady bountiful at your expense, but not worth falling out either her over, since she did actually buy these items.

This is a live and learn situation tbh. In future you'll have to ask her outright what she wants for the future and either accept or decline her offer based on this.

YABVU
Give them back!

I'd keep a few bits like clothes and blankets if they're really sentimental for you. But give big bits of furniture back.

And if you are giving a cot back I'd advise the other sil to buy a new mattress anyway, as a 3rd hand mattress is probably a risk factor for sids. I'd never have a second hand mattress or car seat for a baby.

Maybe keep a look out for some nice clothes second-hand to give to your sister for her sister in law? Your sister's baby clothes are personal for you but they perhaps wouldn't be for her sister in law?

Baby clothes are baby clothes without sentiment attached.

I think your sister intended them for you but when her sister in law became pregnant, remembered the clothes and promised them to her. Not very nice of her but surely not intentional. Baby stuff 'doing overtime'. I used to do the same with my pocket money as a kid, spend it several times.

Hope it works out for you.

What a waste. If no one ever used second hand think of all the prams and cots etc in landfill.

We had a new moses basket for eldest. Used with second and got given another (twins) from a friend (so second hand). Both went on to baby banks to be used third time, in bloody good condition because we're not animals.

Pushchairs, new as we were first and then had twins. Passed on to baby bank.
Small cots new for twins, sold for second hand. Large cots new for eldest as oldest but he used it until it died. Twins had new beds, used for nearly four years until no use. Eldest had new single bed, just got a new bed so twins had one new bed and one into brothers old bed.
Clothes on such a endless circle we have one baby grow that all the smalls have been photographed in so 6 kids to three moms.
Sis have me blankets for twins, just handed back for her baby.
Friends Christmas presents to us are coats her kids barely wore (one actually never worn).
Twins had new bedding for cots, just given to sister.

When stuff is outgrown we look for how it can vest be used again, who might need it. So Costa have gone to friends from school run, uniform gets passed down depending on ages etc.

If you look after your stuff and you give even a passing fuck about the environment, you don't buy new for everything and bin everything once used just because you can

🤣🤣 is this a joke post?

I suppose this thread could be a useful reminder to others to make clear whether things are a gift or a loan.

Quite apart from the morality here, refusing to share would be a very sure way to ensure your sister never hands you down any of her child’s stuff in future- outgrown clothes, bikes, toys etc.

Hmmm. She shouldn’t really have given them to you and then ask for them back. It is totally normal to pass bits like this around but it does help to clarify the arrangements from the offset.

I would suggest just handing the bits over and saying that you would like them back for your next DS. Babies use many items for an only couple of months and then they grow out of them so the chances of you both needing them at the same time are very slim.

I disagree. I get what people are saying & usually I agree with the majority on posts likes these. But a few things:

1. the sil appears to be financially able to look after themselves, there's no real 'need' here
2. the op is expecting to get further use out of them in hoping for another baby = this is totally valid reason for keeping them
3. once you give something away you have no right to ask for it back just because

I don't think the op is being selfish at all. I think her sister is being selfish, unreasonable and is putting the op in an unfairly difficult position.

It's really unreasonable to not pass the things back to Dsis for her SIL especially if she has already promised you can have them back if you have another child! If your DS is already really young and has outgrown the things, then the chances there will be overlap with someone pregnant now are minimal. Like others said, in the worst case scenario you can buy baby stuff secondhand at minimal cost. Also clothes are frequently not even relevant the next time round - what if next time your baby is a DD or in the opposite season? Be the good person and help everyone to save the planet from production of even more heaps of baby stuff that gets used for a few months then clogs up storage space. Keep one or two outfits you loved, and the rest is for photos, not storage.

You got them for free. You were very lucky your sister had them to give to you. If she didn't, you would have bought them or been gifted them. You are not using them now and your sister knows you are not using them. You've benefitted from the kindness of your sister, who seems like a lovely woman but now you're being grabby and wanting to keep them, not use them, but not let anyone else use them either.

There's always free baby stuff going around! There's always friends and families who have barely used items that they are happy to pass on.

Take a leaf out of your sister's book, and share.

I think asking for stuff back, especially larger items, is fine. Promising things to another couple before even asking OP for them back, not so fine. As a PP said, DSis is definitely wanting to play lady bountiful!

"whereas we would really struggle to replace everything"

You clearly can't afford another child if the cost of replacing a crib, a changing table and some clothes is something your worrying about. Accept that - and give them to someone who can make good use of them. Otherwise you make yourself look a bit selfish imo

Well if you don't get them back then you're going to have to figure something else out. You're being selfish to keep them when someone else can use them. You have to get rid of your babies things eventually so forming an emotional attachment to them was a little bit odd.

YABU, because you’ve already had use of them and you don’t currently need them yourself.

Presumably the items were jointly owned by your BIL and your sister?

Supposing your BIL had given them to his sister first and your sister then wanted to offer them to you but the sister said she wanted to keep hold of them ‘just in case’.

Would you think ‘that’s fair enough, first come, first served’ or would you think she was being a bit selfish…?

Yabu you where given things for free to use, now the person who purchased them wants to let another family also use her baby things for free.

If you wanted items that where yours, you should have purchased rather than borrowing.

I was actually thinking this but I didn't want to say it because it seemed mean.

I don’t know why you wouldn’t think that! If your sister had already given all her stuff away to her SIL, you wouldn’t really expect her to promise it to you. And certainly not without asking her SIL first!

Except OP wasn’t even aware she was ‘borrowing’ as her DSis didn’t make that clear.

@Noonesawme I chose YABU, but I've reconsidered when I thought of it as asking for a gift back.

My dad was given some dining chairs by his sibling. A few YEARS later, sibling asked for them back! So it was what? Free storage for my stuff I don't want cluttering up my own house? You can use it but only as long as I decide I don't need it! Don't need to say this of course... it's obviously understood...

What's your relationship with your sister like generally? I think you should give the stuff back since it's already been promised elsewhere, but mention you're disappointed she didn't say previously that it wasn't a gift.

A sentimental changing table?

Remember dear that day you was changing ds just here on this table and he just exploded covering you in shit 🥹 then peed all over the clean nappy about to go on too 🥲

😂

@Noonesawme I'd consider this a miscommunication between you and Dsis. DSis clearly still views the items as hers and on loan to you. Now she wants to pass then on to DSIL. You, however, view them as yours and consider them as a gift. Somewhere along the line there's been a miscommunication or misunderstanding. Stuff isn't worth falling out over. I'd give them back and be thankful you had the free use of them. If future it's worth clarifying before accepting stuff.

I give loads of stuff to my SIL. I always tell her that I've sorted out a load of stuff for my niece. I told her to keep what she wants and pass on the rest. I don't want anything back. I've been very clear.

Op should have clarified if they were given or on loan.

Id never expect to just be given big ticket items for free forever unless they were actual presents. Presented as presents not just a yeah you can use our babies stuff.