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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my life is always harder as a parent in this scenario?

508 replies

Hankiesk · 22/01/2024 07:28

I think maybe I am but… here goes…

I parent our 17 month old alone. Ex pays but sees her as and when. Usually it’s for a day or day and night a week, she never goes to his as he just doesn’t have the right stuff for her there. I feel put upon massively, I am stressed on nursery run, dealing with online food orders, trying to clean around work, I never feel I have a moment to myself.

A good friend who I really trust said recently, very delicately, that when I moaned about these things as if it was only me because of being single, that others in the wider friendship group felt they couldn’t share how hard they find things when I’m around. I was surprised by this as I genuinely believe as a couple life with one child is pretty easy? I never consider anyone in a relationship with a child could find it harder than me, I imagine it being plain sailing. AIBU?!

OP posts:
STARCATCHER22 · 22/01/2024 07:30

So it has never occurred to you that couples may also have difficult things going on too?

The fact that your friend has said they don’t feel like they can talk to you about their struggles doesn’t make you sound like a great friend either

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 22/01/2024 07:32

I was surprised by this as I genuinely believe as a couple life with one child is pretty easy? I never consider anyone in a relationship with a child could find it harder than me, I imagine it being plain sailing.

Well those are two slightly different things - believing that it's "easy" and "plain sailing" isn't the same as believing that it's not as hard as being a single parent.
If your general attitude is that things are harder for you as a single parent then I don't think you're unreasonable. But if it's that your friends must have it easy, no issues at all, then I can see the problem.

Octavia64 · 22/01/2024 07:32

They might be a couple with a child where the child is ill

They might be a couple with a child where one of the parents has a disability

They might be a couple with a child where one of the parents has severe post partum depression.

Yes, a couple with a child can have it more difficult than you.

Original poster
Hankiesk · 22/01/2024 07:32

@STARCATCHER22 yes I know people have struggles, I’m usually very understanding. I suppose I just think how can it be harder than being alone.

OP posts:
cheezncrackers · 22/01/2024 07:32

It's not a competition OP. It may be harder for you, as a single parent, but that doesn't mean that it's easy for others, just because they have a partner. Maybe their DP doesn't pull his/her weight. Maybe their DC has had lots of illness this winter, which has meant a lot of juggling work and nursery. Maybe they're worried about something else. Having a baby is hard. Just because you believe you have it harder than your friends doesn't mean it's plain sailing for them either.

BarelyCoping123 · 22/01/2024 07:33

I guarantee you it is NOT easy or plain sailing for couples. I'm not downplaying your situation, that sounds extremely tough. But please never think that about couples

Original poster
Hankiesk · 22/01/2024 07:33

@Octavia64 yes I hadn’t considered any of that

OP posts:
CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 22/01/2024 07:34

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 22/01/2024 07:32

I was surprised by this as I genuinely believe as a couple life with one child is pretty easy? I never consider anyone in a relationship with a child could find it harder than me, I imagine it being plain sailing.

Well those are two slightly different things - believing that it's "easy" and "plain sailing" isn't the same as believing that it's not as hard as being a single parent.
If your general attitude is that things are harder for you as a single parent then I don't think you're unreasonable. But if it's that your friends must have it easy, no issues at all, then I can see the problem.

Although I'll add that even if you're correct that single parents in general have it harder, it's not a nice response to a friend who is finding it hard. Even if you don't say it in so many words, it sounds like possibly you're coming across as "what are you complaining about?? It's even harder for me!!"

notanothernana · 22/01/2024 07:34

But your friend IBU because it doesn't mean they can't moan too. It's not Top Trumps.

AbbeFausseMaigre · 22/01/2024 07:34

YANBU to think that, overall, solo parenting must be much, much harder than in a two patent household (assuming that the couple have a good relationship and both parents are equally involved).

But YABVU to assume that cohabiting parents should find everything "plain sailing".

SecondUsername4me · 22/01/2024 07:34

I can't speak to either situation, but imagine having a partner who does fuck all for the child? So not only are you doing it all, but you can see them not lifting a finger every day or you can see they are seeing you struggling to do it all - it's got to be at least as hard as what you are in, if not worse?

MoneyWorries42 · 22/01/2024 07:35

I'm a single parent to one child. He is autistic and I have to do a lot for him on a daily basis. I still listen to my friends moan about their kids and how difficult it is. Because parenting is hard. It's hard by yourself as a couple or even if you have the most supportive family. It's all subjective. Plus it is a bonding experience I think and gives you tips on how others cope.

Octavia64 · 22/01/2024 07:35

I parented alone with a teenager who had mental health issues.

Different in that the child was much older.

It was a fuckton easier without my ExH as he just made life so much harder.

Some people don't cope with children well and if you are trying to parent a child and keep the other adult on board it is a lot harder.

HalloumiGeller · 22/01/2024 07:35

If this is your general attitude then no wonder your friends feel like they can't say anything.

Parenting is hard for everyone, no matter whether you're single or not. What do you mean by "he doesn't have the right things for her"? She's a toddler, all he needs is a blow up bed and some clothes!

Clarebelle878 · 22/01/2024 07:35

Parenting is hard, full stop. I agree that support networks and the support and involvement of a loving partner make things more manageable but I don’t think it’s ever easy (unless you have a nanny or two, personal chef and cleaner and effectively see your child for an hour a day)

Roadtripwithkids999 · 22/01/2024 07:36

It's not a competition though. People go through different things and struggle with things you might not and vice versa.

When someone says they are upset or struggling, do you respond with something about how your life is harder.... if so. You need to stop.

Urcheon · 22/01/2024 07:36

Surely you can grasp that couples with one child can struggle too? I’m sorry you’re finding things difficult, but you’re going to alienate other people with your assumptions that you're the only one with problems.

Roadtripwithkids999 · 22/01/2024 07:37

And to add to my pp. You won't know everything going on in the couples house.

CuriousGeorge80 · 22/01/2024 07:37

I think all families have different struggles. There are two of us parenting our 2 year old but we both have very busy and stressful jobs, our daughter is poorly a lot which we have to juggle, she’s a poor sleeper, I have to travel with work which is difficult to juggle, my partner has poor mental health. Not saying it’s harder than what you have but it’s still not easy or plain sailing.

My partner was away for 10 days and oddly I found I got in such a rhythm of sole care that it was easier. Not that I would want that full time and not that I think it actually is easier, but there are some benefits of knowing it’s all on you in an odd way. But I realise I couldn’t ever go out alone etc.

JustMarriedBecca · 22/01/2024 07:37

The biggest game changer for me as they get older is the headspace. When our two were younger it's CONSTANT. Yes, your ex sounds feckless and a bit crap but it's a day or a day and a night you get for you. A lot of couples with two kids don't get that at all. You end up juggling one kid each.
Have more awareness.
But as everyone has said, it's not a race to the bottom.

Original poster
Hankiesk · 22/01/2024 07:38

Thanks. I’ve definitely got in my head that anyone in a couple has masses of support etc and I feel I’ve got a huge gap in my life.

OP posts:
STARCATCHER22 · 22/01/2024 07:38

The fact that your friend has told you that they don’t feel like they can be honest with you suggests that maybe you aren’t as understanding as you believe (or aren’t coming across that way). This might be something to consider moving forward.

Original poster
Hankiesk · 22/01/2024 07:39

@JustMarriedBecca when does it stop being constant? Xx

OP posts:
Tontostitis · 22/01/2024 07:39

Find other single parents, mums with partners even, rubbish partners don't live with the daily worry and stress and fear of being the one and only. Could you be more sympathetic to your friends? Probably yes, but it sounds to me like you are really struggling in a way that only single parents understand. I had a strong group of single mum friends and we really pulled together as a team.

Overthebow · 22/01/2024 07:39

Well it can be hard too. It can be harder in some situations. Being. Single parent isn’t necessarily the hardest thing. Do you shut them down when they moan about things?