AIBU to think my life is always harder as a parent in this scenario?

[Hankiesk]

I think maybe I am but… here goes…

I parent our 17 month old alone. Ex pays but sees her as and when. Usually it’s for a day or day and night a week, she never goes to his as he just doesn’t have the right stuff for her there. I feel put upon massively, I am stressed on nursery run, dealing with online food orders, trying to clean around work, I never feel I have a moment to myself.

A good friend who I really trust said recently, very delicately, that when I moaned about these things as if it was only me because of being single, that others in the wider friendship group felt they couldn’t share how hard they find things when I’m around. I was surprised by this as I genuinely believe as a couple life with one child is pretty easy? I never consider anyone in a relationship with a child could find it harder than me, I imagine it being plain sailing. AIBU?!

Stop making so many assumptions about everyone's life.
I have no family support and my partner has little if any. Our daughter has special needs and there's 3 other kids (my partner's) to take care of.
We both work full time and have little free time. Parenting is hard work.

Go find a single mother with a disabled child and no support, then see how comfortable you are comparing your life to hers. Clearly she has it harder than you, but it doesn't change how hard your life is, does it? Well, that's the same for your couple friends. Their lives are hard in their own way too. It isn't a competition. Try being supportive rather than judgemental.

Oh please. You can't possibly know until you've lived it.

Have you posted about this very recently? I’ve read this exact thread a week or so ago? Anyway I parent fully alone without any input from my ex and I’m fed up of people telling me it’s easier alone, it just isn’t but I seem to be in the minority as everyone tells me it is, finding other single parents hasn’t helped as they seem to be the worse for it and insist that it’s easier alone, but you don’t do it fully alone if he pays maintenance and has her one night a week. I would have killed for that.

Of course ladies in a couple find having a baby and toddler hard. I can understand why they don’t feel like they can open it as it sounds like you don’t get it that they might struggle. Some partners do very little, or work long hours. You could grab a ready meal if you’re tired, they are probably cooking a dinner for the two of them every evening too. You can leave the place a mess, some women get moaned at and asked ‘what have you being doing all day?’, and so on. Some babies / toddlers are much harder to manage than others. You need to apologise and say you didn’t mean to come across like you hold the gold medal for finding it hard and of course they can open up about finding things tough.

We are a couple but have no family support and I am always jealous of people who have a close relationship with their mother. I don’t have that with my family, we have no village, no one to call or lean on other than each other.

I have had 1 night away to myself in 8 years and we have never had an evening to ourselves or a meal out. Kids were too young to hire a babysitter (although we are getting to a good age for this however cost of living will ruin any plans)

I saw a post around Keira knightly and she said parenting was hard even though she comes from a privileged place who can afford great childcare etc. it was lovely might be worth a google

A simple solution would be for you ALL to stop moaning and find something more enjoyable to talk about in the time you're spending together.

Yes there's difference, in theory it most def should be easier to parent when there are 2 of you but if you just go back to the Christmas threads where posters were in despair over their partner being single sounds the better option
I'd be more worried that your group of friends seem to think you are constantly moaning. It doesn't sound like you are very self aware. If you really are struggling the last thing you want is for your friends to drop you, that is only going to make you feel worse.

From personal experience I've found being a single parent much easier than being with a partner who doesn't pull their weight. However, being with my now partner who does almost 50/50 is easier than both. So much can depend on your relationship.

you have an ex

so you know that some relationships are shite. Yours ended. Others stay.

and surely you have ventured on to mumsnet relationship chat room??

I was not a single parent but struggled enormously in the early years and I'd have found your attitude upsetting as a friend and probably distanced myself.

I had a baby/toddler who didn't sleep, had regular meltdowns (at the time we had no clue but ASD diagnosed 6 years later). I struggled to manage being self employed (and limited maternity) and childcare. Parents who lived too far away to help and didn't want to anyway because of DC behaviour. Miscarriages and pregnancy loss, family bereavements, then DC diagnosis and the ongoing battle for help, lack of childcare options in school holidays as DC couldn't cope with holiday clubs.

All that would have been harder as a single parent, but if I'd had a friend who assumed my life was rosy simply because of my relationship status without thinking at all about my actual life I'd probably think they weren't much of a friend.

i am a single parent

It is infinitely preferable. I am queen of my domain! and we have a very happy and settled home.

Your friend is right, listen to her.

You only have one child which is easier than having two or more. Personally I found it much easier being a single parent to a baby and toddler than I did having my ex around, even though he tried to be helpful in practical terms.

It’s very easy to only see your own difficulties and the perks other have. Just remember we all have our challenges, yes of course solo parenting is really hard, but do you have a mum/sister who helps out? Some don’t have family for 100 miles? Do you have a well child? Some have children with health issues? There’s money worries, job concerns, family upset, family health problems. No one has it ‘worse’

I brought up two children as a single parent whose ex moved abroad so I had 100% of the care 24/7 and I still think you’re being U. Couples also have challenges as parents as often one of them (judging by MN) is completely useless or abusive. There are pros and cons to both scenarios.

You need to be very careful with this "only those who are objectively worse off are allowed to complain" attitude because it could come back to bite you on the arse in the future.

Imagine if another parent joined your friendship group and they were also a single parent but on top of that, they also had a life limiting disability for example. That would make them worse off than you (assuming you don't), so by your own rationale, that would mean YOU wouldnt be allowed to complain that anything was hard because well, she has it harder right?- so your life must be "a walk in the park" compared to her.

Thats the problem with the "suffering olympics"- what happens when someone does have it harder than you- does that mean that you are never allowed to express your difficulties or challenges ever again?- how would that make you feel if that were to happen?

Do you let your friends talk about their troubles or do you interrupt to say at least they’re not a single parent?

regardless of the good things in their life, everyone has struggles and it can be exhausting parenting and working in a couple, too. If your friends don’t feel able to express this, they may stop opening up to you at all.

In some ways I actually find it easier when DH is away! Don’t get me wrong, being a single mum must be really tough, but that doesn’t mean being part of a couple makes it easy.

Also now I have two kids I look at people with one kid and think ‘wow your life must be so easy with just one kid’. But I know in reality it isn’t and we didn’t find it easy with one. The same way I imagine someone with three kids must think having two is easy.

There is no competition, life is tough and different stages for all of us. Empathy goes a long way.

You sound very self-centered. I have dumped many moaning people like this in the course of my life.

I agree with the others that your friend has done you a kindness in telling you that your attitude is negatively affecting others. It is affecting your friendships and you want to do something about it.

It is worth really thinking about how you can build up your empathy skills - rather than assuming everyone else’s life is easy, really try to listen and understand what other people are struggling with.

The other side of that is being a bit more positive about what you do have. This might help you personally as well as improve your relationships - viewing yourself as uniquely disadvantaged and having the hardest life isn’t good for your own wellbeing.

That’s not the case at all. My life was definitely easier once I kicked my ExH out. He did nothing for the kids, nothing round the house and was just one more child to run round after. Once we’d split I got 4 precious days a month to myself. I had never had a ‘day off’ previously, not one in 8 years. I had no family support at all, but that 2 nights every other weekend was life changing for me. Yes, doing it alone is undoubtedly hard but doing it all with an abusive, useless partner is infinitely harder.

I'm in a pretty great position as a coupled up parent. My son doesn't have any additional needs. We aren't stressed about money. My husband definitely pulls his weight with parenting and household tasks. And still there are days or weeks when I find raising a child really difficult. I'm a stay at home parent while my husband is at work and some days that's just tough if my son is having a bad day.

Yes, a single parent has it harder than a partnered parent in my shoes. But that doesn't mean parenting while in a relationship is "easy" or "plain sailing" even when there's no additional needs or bad spouse. I'd try and be sensitive and not complain about specific things I definitely have better than a single parent (finances, being able to have me time, family days out etc), but I think the universal tricky things about kids are fine to moan about even if I have a partner.

Of course YANBU

A couple who has a FT nanny is going to find parenting easier than a couple who don’t.

And a 2 parent family is going to find parenting easier than a single parent.

You 100% have it harder than they do, without a doubt.

But perhaps when they’ve had a little moan in the past, you have referred to yourself having it harder or comparing your life to then in some way.

It is difficult to not compare your life.
My friend has a 2 parent family, a nanny and multiple family members on hand and still moans about how difficult parenting is.

It can be very difficult to not want to say how much harder it is for most people but sometimes we all just need a friend to vent to and not worry about being judged.

And a 2 parent family is going to find parenting easier than a single parent.

how very odd.

You can’t have been on mumsnet long

A good friend of mine was a single mum with her first and met someone else and had a second. I said to her “oh it must be so much easier with a good, competent father in the picture”. She said to me not really, with the first all she had to think about was her and her daughter, but now she says she has TWO kids, a husband (even the good ones take work- all relationships are work) and a family pet to boot. There are so many more conflicting schedules and needs and relationships demanding attention as a couple. Financially you may be better off as a couple, and the burden of some of the childcare etc. shared, but it also adds more responsibilities to the household.

So, yes. I think you are being unreasonable. Being in a couple isn’t some homogenous, wonderful utopia of bliss and equality. A relationship has its own struggles that your friends must not be able to talk to you about. Maybe some of them even have a partner who adds no value to the household dynamic. But you won’t know because you are so obsessed with feeling like you have it worse than everyone else. The reality is you only have ONE child, you set the rules in your household and you have full control over what you and DC do, where you go, even what you eat (within financial constraints) because you don’t even have an interfering ex to contend with, but you also don’t have someone to disagree with or have to negotiate or compromise with on how to parent.

I’m not saying your circumstances aren’t hard, but from the outside they really could be a lot worse. So be a better friend.