AIBU to think my life is always harder as a parent in this scenario?

[Hankiesk]

I think maybe I am but… here goes…

I parent our 17 month old alone. Ex pays but sees her as and when. Usually it’s for a day or day and night a week, she never goes to his as he just doesn’t have the right stuff for her there. I feel put upon massively, I am stressed on nursery run, dealing with online food orders, trying to clean around work, I never feel I have a moment to myself.

A good friend who I really trust said recently, very delicately, that when I moaned about these things as if it was only me because of being single, that others in the wider friendship group felt they couldn’t share how hard they find things when I’m around. I was surprised by this as I genuinely believe as a couple life with one child is pretty easy? I never consider anyone in a relationship with a child could find it harder than me, I imagine it being plain sailing. AIBU?!

@EmeraldA129 not all disabled children are entitled to overnight respite care at all.

I’ve not read the entire thread so apologies if my point has already been made.

While I’m sure being a single parent is a significant challenge I think the biggest divide is between parents who have wider family support and parents who don’t.

If you have nobody who can ever help with childcare or provide other necessary support then life can become very difficult both logistically and financially.

If both parents work they need to find around 15/20k per year for nursery fees if there is no free grandparent help for example. That’s a lot of money.

What happens if the nursery calls and says your child is sick and you are both at work nowhere near home or the nursery?

What happens when they go to school and you soon realise that without the likes of grandparent assistance one of you is going to have to give up FT work otherwise the holidays will be impossible to manage.

The list is endless however the point remains that doing and funding literally everything yourself whether as a single parent or couple is a tough gig.

But its not always easier to be a parent just because there's two of you. It's not always harder to be a single parent.

Yes there's challenges to both, and yes being a single parent likely means there's more on you as a sole person. BUT that might still be easier than parenting in a couple. The couple may have a child with lifelong limitations due to illness or disability. There may be no end in sight. The couple may be desperately unhappy together. One of the couple may be abusive to the other. Money could be a massive issue.

I have a friend with a child that has a high level of SEN. Parenting is ridiculously hard for her compared to me with my fairly easy going child. She also lives with her partner who has basically no interest in their child or in contributing to their lives together. She's working out how to leave, because while he has no interest, she knows from experience that he WILL do whatever to make it impossible. And he WILL fight for custody just because he doesn't want to be the one being left. She knows her life would be easier as a single parent, despite still being harder than that of some couples. And she is still there to listen to me if I have a challenge I need to talk through. Cos, friendship.

Equally, the couples lives could be charmed and rosy. But to assume that because there's two that their life is automatically less hard than yours, and to say it to them, is not right.

No, but it is very odd that a child gets to 7 and a parent, any parent has never had enough time off - not even a couple of hours - to go for a coffee or walk with someone. It would mean there was no family or friends support network, no nursery, no respite care and no schooling.

My point was not that the poster must have things easy, but she had shamed another poster for having the time to date & remarry when she hadn’t had any time to herself in 7 years. If that is the case then there must be decisions she has made to remove any kind of support whatsoever.

I’m sorry you had to go through that, but when you were fleeing your family home was that not you exiting a relationship with your partner, so the stress was not being single but the relationship you were in? Sorry if I have misunderstood.

Yeh and many (perhaps even the majority?) Of single mums have been through the dilemma your friend is having, dealt with a terrible or abusive partner, children with additional needs and dealt with the financial, emotional fallout of all of extracting themselves from that to great personal detriment. trying to paint the single mum path as easier when it generally includes dealing with many of things you described doesnt make sense.

If this is your take then I'm not going to waste time explaining

I have never said the single mum life is easier. My friend knows it would be for her because once she's rid of him, he will be gone. He already has nothing to do with a child from a previous relationship because once he failed at getting custody (which he's admitted he wanted just to spite his ex, nothing to do with the child). So therefore it will remove something for her to deal with.

What I said was you can't say it's always harder. Because no one circumstances is always harder than every other set of circumstances. If I suddenly became a single mother, it would be so much harder than I currently have it, because my DH is very involved in parenting and our life in general. But I think it would still be easier than my friends life, even before she becomes a sole parent.

If you can't understand that all scenarios are different and have their own set of challenges, then there's something wrong with your way of thinking.

I think the point most people are missing on here is that those of us making the comparison are in the position to do so because we have been in a couple and then been a single
parent and in my situation, then also been in a couple after being a single parent. Not one person has only been a single parent, or only been in a couple. Which is why it’s laughable that people are kicking off so much when this is our experience. It doesnt matter what any of you think, I am telling you that my life was easier in countless aspects when I was a single parent. Especially to only 1 child. It wasn’t easy, and
nobody is saying it is, but it was easier in many respects than it is now. It doesnt matter whether you agree, I am telling you facts from my experience. And I’ve backed it up with the reasons why that is my experience. The people arguing with me do not have my experience and have not necessarily had both sides the way I have. I’ve had a bad relationship and 1 child, a single parent with 1 child, a good relationship with my 1 child, a good relationship with my 1 child and our child together, a good relationship with my 1 child, our child together and pregnant with our second child together. OuT of all of
those scenarios I found it infinitely easier to be on my own with 1 child.
and I haven’t once mentioned having time without my child…that’s not one of the things I found easier. I also don’t (and still don’t) have family support, we have no family nearby or Close enough even to see regularly. When I was on my own I was completely on my own. I still found it easier than any of the other scenarios for the reasons I have given, all which when you’re a single parent you completely take for granted, as I did.

And yet, you still chose that life so there must be many significant factors which make that work for you. Its kind like if I take a well paid and really stressful job, yes my life was "easier" before in a low paid job but I still chose the job for the financial benefits/long term view etc. Most single parents are forced into that situation because of abuse/poor treatment/infidelity, its bizarre to see that painted as "easy".

This thread has become batshit.

I think what it does prove though is that no two situations are comparable and you never know what’s going on in someone else’s life, and maybe we ALL need to listen to others when they want to talk - even if we’ve already made our mind up that they have nothing to whinge about.

No-one is painting it as easy. Just saying that it doesn't have the monopoly on hardship. Get a grip.

Again people are not reading what I’m saying. I’ve literally said it wasn’t easy. I WAS IN THAT POSITION. I’ve experienced both sides in multiple ways. And it was EASIER for me in MANY ways, NOT ALL, on my own than it is to be in a couple.
Christ.

I would take single parenting a healthy, typically developing child alone any day of the week over some other alternative situations! Like being in a couple where the partner is financially, physically or verbally abusive. Where it is all left to me and I am unsupported. I'd take it being in a couple with a child who was seriously ill....there are so many scenarios where it would be preferable to be a single parent who has financial support from the other parent and also gets regular help/breaks from parenting, even if that's only one day a week.

My situation is that I am in a couple and my partner is supportive in every way. But a few years after giving birth I discovered I had a heritable condition that pregnancy made erupt and I have struggled with my health since. I have also passed it onto my 2 youngest children, who were born 16 months apart. The youngest is disabled and has developmental dealys/autism. Needs loads of practical care. The middle one was fine until teens but is now suffering in so many ways herself with both her disability and her MH and needs constant support and supervision. Our oldest died when he was a day old. I've never been able to return to work, so my husband has worked all hours while I do all the house and childcare/nursing care while he's gone, and we double up when he's home. We've never had regular support from anyone, we don't get breaks. We are knackered and overwhelmed as often as we are enjoying our kids!
Saying all that I get it is hard to be a single parent and I'd never say it wasn't. It is hard to parent at times for most people, for many different reasons. I'd never consider myself to be the only one with problems or even think I could be the only one it is hard for. I just don't get that mindset, even amongst all my own chaos 🤔😂 It's not a competition. Just don't judge until you've walked in someone else's shoes is my motto.. And listen to your friends vent without judging if they do you the honour of listening to you vent too!

I think also what I’m not explaining well is that hindsight is a very important part of what I’m saying here. And hindsight is something that single parents do not yet have. I didn’t either when I was a single parent.

Well this has just made me infinitely grateful to be a single parent. Sorry all you guys in relationships it sounds awful! Off to have a stress free dinner with my little one, eat what we want, go to bed early, then a nice child free day while his dad has him tomorrow :-D

It must be the best kept secret, coz whenever I tell anyone I'm a single parent they say oh sorry about that, and look a bit sad for me. If only they knew, we should promote it!

Come back when you’re in a relationship, and re read this thread and then you’ll see how ridiculous you sound.
i do empathise with single parents. Because I was one. And it is not easy, and I know that. Not
once have I said it’s easy. But you know that I haven’t once said it’s easy, you’re just deliberately misinterpreting what I’m saying, because you can’t begin to contemplate that maybe just maybe you could empathise with other people…which is the actual issue here. I am empathising with single parents, and I’m also empathising with parents in couples who find different things more difficult…you will not see AT ALL that your situation might not be the worst one available, and you won’t empathise with anyone else. Even though every single person on this thread has agreed that being a single parent isn’t easy.
when you have your hindsight you will feel a right idiot re reading your posts on here.
AND given the vote is dramatically agreeing that op IBU…I’m not alone in this thinking. Virtually nobody who voted has agreed that being a single parent is harder in all situations. But you can’t accept that while we agree being a single parent is difficult sometimes different situations are more difficult and difficult in different ways.

Of course lots of single parents have experienced both, most (not all) were in a relationship at some point.

I have solo parented and parented with a partner and solo parenting was way way harder for me. Is my partner perfect? No. Do I carry a majority of the mental and physical load? Yep. But having another pair of eyes so I could do xyz for two minutes has brought me a lot of mental relief to be honest.

Everyone’s situations are different. Some people on here will have found single/solo parenting harder and some will have found it easier. We cannot speak to anyone else’s experiences. I have ADHD and associated issues and dc has ADHD and I solo parented alone with no family or support whatsoever. I might tell someone with 4 kids I had it harder. They would probably laugh in my face and say I’m ridiculous but we just have different crosses to bear.

People need to stop telling others they’re wrong in this instance. Life is so personal and we all deal with different issues and we all cope differently.

It’s not a race to the bottom. Maybe if everyone stopped arguing and actually listened to each other and supported each other, maybe we’d all find parenting a wee bit easier.

I'm waiting for the Daily Mail article "Single parents think they have it tough, have they ever tried parenting with a man in the house??" 😅

I don't think I will be reading this when I have a partner, as it sounds that being a single parent is way better so think I'll stay that way thanks! I'd only be willing to get into a relationship if on the balance of it they added positively to my life, enough to outweigh any of complications that come with being with another person.

And I think the vote is that way because obviously it's not harder in ALL situations. Some people have health issues / other issues that will far outweigh the difficulties of single parenting.

It's actually sounds like it would be unfair on DC to get into another relationship,if doing so would make our lives so much harder.

That is exactly the point that everyone you are taking the piss out of is making. Glad you agree with them!