AIBU to think my life is always harder as a parent in this scenario?

[Hankiesk]

I think maybe I am but… here goes…

I parent our 17 month old alone. Ex pays but sees her as and when. Usually it’s for a day or day and night a week, she never goes to his as he just doesn’t have the right stuff for her there. I feel put upon massively, I am stressed on nursery run, dealing with online food orders, trying to clean around work, I never feel I have a moment to myself.

A good friend who I really trust said recently, very delicately, that when I moaned about these things as if it was only me because of being single, that others in the wider friendship group felt they couldn’t share how hard they find things when I’m around. I was surprised by this as I genuinely believe as a couple life with one child is pretty easy? I never consider anyone in a relationship with a child could find it harder than me, I imagine it being plain sailing. AIBU?!

Do you work, OP? I have 3 kids - youngest of whom is 19mo, so close in age to yours. My husband and I both work full time and we are frazzled.

That said, I do have the emotional support that comes with being in partnership.

I have solo parented and parented with my DH. Even when things were tough with my DH, it was never as hard as looking after DC all by myself. I had no other support and when DH wasn’t here, it was really tough. Single and solo parents will always have my utmost respect for what they do.

I think the problem is with children is that it’s a race to the bottom sometimes. Everyone feels like they have it hardest and feel jealous of someone else situation. Instead everyone should be supporting everyone else and it would probably make our lives easier as parents. When people complain about the time they’re having, do you listen and support? Maybe that’s all it needs to shift it around. Listen, words of sympathy and understanding without making anything about you - I say this kindly as again, with kids it’s so easy to compare situations because most of the time we’ve been through similar things!
Try not to feel jealous of others because although it may seem like things are easier, it isn’t always the case. You’re doing an amazing job and I’m sorry your ex is such little support.

I do have a fantastic supportive husband but I find it all incredibly hard. We both work full time and have no other help, so no, we don’t feel like we get any “time off” either. Since becoming a parent I have a new found respect for single parents, but it’s pretty irritating to read that you think it’s all so easy for us. In fact, it makes me feel like a failure. Everyone has differing levels of what they can cope with, you don’t get to decide who has it easy.

I found it more difficult to bring up a child living with the father than living separately. Often it feels like you have 2 children to look after. When you are on your own, although hard work, at least it is on your terms.

I missed this but actually it sums it up perfectly

I wonder if this was a polite way of saying “we’re fed up of your moaning “?

I am married. Eldest DS looked like an angel. I'd get stopped constantly by strangers whilst out and about and told how fortunate I was to have such a beautiful child. Our lives probably looked easy but inside I was crying. DH worked permanent nights and DS never slept more than three hours until well after he started school. He was diagnosed with ADHD at aged ten.
He's now almost thirty and amazing but those early years of sleep deprivation were torture. You need to be careful. If your friends don't feel they can speak freely and be supported by you they might just stop speaking...

I am a single parent and two of my now grown dc are ND. I found being a single mum far far easier than being in an unhappy marriage with a gaslighting narc! I tolerated it for years thinking i was doing the best thing for the dc but couldn't believe how much better it was when I finally had enough and kicked him out! You don't know what's going on in other people's lives so it's definitely not true that people in couples with kids have it easier than single parents.

What’s a “BIG job”?

I think OP has tried to divide people by starting this thread over who has the worst life.

I nearly fell into it to say well my life is x,y,z and is also hard. But everyone's life is hard in different ways. It's not a race to the bottom, no need to compare, no need to be jealous, no need to think you are better because you are struggling so you must be a better/stronger person.

Just be bloody nice to each other and if someone needs a vent or a shoulder, lend it.

My DH has a chronic illness and my eldest DD has ASD and MH issues, and bickers relentlessly with my younger DD. I still think you probably have it harder as I have the emotional support and DH does what he can, but you don't have the monopoly on hard times.

If their only child doesn't sleep, or is constantly sick, or showing signs of additional needs, or miserable at nursery, they need to be able to chat about it.

Parenting is hard end of story. I think a single parent potentially has it easier as you can do things your way. So your job is easier than your poor friend who has to think about another person wants and needs...how that make you feel op... Yabu. As I said at the beginning parenting is hard and making a sweeping statement like you did and I typed doesn't help. Everything struggles in different ways.

Lots of people are in bad relationships with partners who make things harder not easier. Plus there could be many aspects that are difficult. No doubt the average single parent has it harder though.

You are coming across as open minded on this thread though - maybe the issue is with your friend. She might be imagining your life is easier than hers in some aspects, who knows.

I have a husband but in the early days I did 99% of the parenting. Just because there’s a partner doesn’t mean most if the parenting doesn’t fall on one parent.

Are you someone who if someone said they are ill instantly say yes you had that but worse and list your ailments? Because that seems to be your empathy level with parenting

I’ve parented v small dc single and in a relationship (2 different dc) and think there are easier and harder bits to both and it depends very much on the relationship and the partner. Many many don’t pull their weight but still make demands so it’s like having extra housework/washing etc without the person covering much. They may still expect you to be default childcare leaving you feeling resentful that they get to swan off on “important errands” while you’re left juggling home and child. all that while they still expect to have input on what you eat, how to deal with child etc etc. of course in many relationships it is easier (I’m not doubting how hard it is for you at all and have been there) but it totally depends on the situation.

financially may be easier depending on partners salary and how good they are with finances. I’m probably worse off with tiny dc in nursery and partner than when I was single as get no UC now and nursery fees are expensive.

I would just try and remember it’s not a race to the bottom and it might help you to feel better about your situation if you listened to some friends issues and try and focus on sone positives of your position.

Suffering competitions are really damned annoying OP. You need to rein in your moaning around your friends or they will get fed up. It’s like the classic ‘I’m tired’ ‘ohhhh what right have YOU got to be tired’ that we have to put up with with a colleague at work

Saying a single parent had it easier, or just as hard as a 2 parent family is so offensive though.

Surely you can see that someone in a 2 parent family, who chooses to remain in a 2 parent family, they obviously have it easier else they would just leave.

You can have a challenging relationship but still benefit from being in a 2 parent family, which is why so many people DP choose to stay with a partner they’re not happy with.

Most people do not choose to be a single parent.
To imply that they are lucky and have things easier than a 2 parent family is such a slap in the face.

I was a lone parent for 7 years and then I met my now husband who (more than) pulls his weight with the kids. It's a million times easier with him around. That's just my experience though.

It seems being alone in this is something you find really hard and those feelings are valid, it is hard, but that doesn't mean that someone in a relationship will find things easier. I have a lot to deal with, disability, , abusive ex, children with SEN, could go on and have had friends say they feel their problems dont compare and I always say that if they're finding things hard they are hard and I mean it and want to be there for them. My struggles don't negate theirs. My pain doesn't lessen someone else's.

My first barley slept, for 12 months I was surviving on sleeping no more than 40 minutes at a time, macimum 6 hours a day, this was with Stbxh pre everything going to shit. He helped a bit, would it have been harder without him, I doubt it because of how he started treating me. I found that period harder then I do now being a disabled single mum to 3 primary school children with SEN. Im not saying those things to compare to what you're going through. If you are finding things hard they are hard, but the fact your friends aren't doing it on their own doesn't mean that they can't be struggling.

It can be easier or it can be harder. My married friend has it easier as a married couple than she would have if she was single but that still doesn't negate the fact that I as a single parent have advantages that mean my life is easier than hers as a married couple.

It isn't as black and white as you are making it out to be

Have you not seen all the threads on here with fathers who do nothing? I don't doubt being a single parent is hard if you have a great partner, I imagine it's a different story when you have a bad one

I've been a couple with a small baby and am now a single parent to 1 kid following my divorce. It was easier for me to be a single parent. My exH was no help whatsoever - all he did was make jobs harder, pile on the guilt and add to my workload.

It sounds as if you have a very one sided view of life in a couple. There are many reasons that a couple with a kid can be having a very hard time of things!

Hi OP. Lots of comments saying life with a useless man is harder than single parenting.

But just wanted to chime in with some of the things I've found difficult with a good man, that a single parent may not have had to deal with. Navigating differences in parenting styles (while sleep deprived and cranky), managing eachothers mis-matched physical intimacy needs, managing eachothers mental health, factoring in another person's calendar and persinal finances, deciding on what to spend money on as a household, dealing with in-laws, finding time to do things as a couple, finding time to do things on our own

All this to say you're right that some aspects are easier, but some of it is harder too. We all have different parenting experiences and each is difficult in its own way. Like PP suggested, it's probably worth practicing a little more listening, ask other parents what's going on for them and try really hard just to listen and sympathise and not chime in with your own complaints until the conversation turns to you. (As an aside, I actually find this really hard to do in general myself and I'm currently reading the book 'How to make friends and influence people' that discusses how to make the conversation about the other person and not yourself, worth a read of you can manage it, I'm listening to the audio book version as its easier to fit in around time with DC/work)

Anyone can find being a parent hard regardless of who's around them. It's not a competition of who has it harder! You can all have it hard at the same time/different times/for different reasons.