AIBU to think my life is always harder as a parent in this scenario?

[Hankiesk]

I think maybe I am but… here goes…

I parent our 17 month old alone. Ex pays but sees her as and when. Usually it’s for a day or day and night a week, she never goes to his as he just doesn’t have the right stuff for her there. I feel put upon massively, I am stressed on nursery run, dealing with online food orders, trying to clean around work, I never feel I have a moment to myself.

A good friend who I really trust said recently, very delicately, that when I moaned about these things as if it was only me because of being single, that others in the wider friendship group felt they couldn’t share how hard they find things when I’m around. I was surprised by this as I genuinely believe as a couple life with one child is pretty easy? I never consider anyone in a relationship with a child could find it harder than me, I imagine it being plain sailing. AIBU?!

I'm a single parent, dad doesn't bother so no days where she's with him so in theory I have it tougher than you but for me it's a piece of cake. She was an easy baby, barely cried, easyish toddler etc etc. I don't have money worries and I have a large supportive family even if they're not on my doorstep I know they'd be here if I needed. Single parenting to one child is therefore piss easy and no one should complain about it. Difference is I know others have different challenges, I know my married friend has it a lot tougher than I do, I also know another married friend has it easier. There is no I am single parenting therefore it's tougher for me. It varies on so many things.

I think of your friends are feeling they cant talk about their worries or struggles to the point someone has gently mentioned it, then perhaps the way you say things or the tone is dismissive of their worries.

you are clearly having a very tough timd now and need support but you might find more support from your friends if you dont think of it as a competition of who has it hardest, but how can we support each other today.

My sister found a group of single mums and they really bonded so that might be a way to find prople in a similar situation to have a good old moan with.

Parenting is hard. I am in a couple and we work well together as parents and I'm grateful for that. However, I have a BIG job, my child does a LOT of activities (professional gigs etc), my DH is self employed so it is always full on - 24/7, 7 days a week. And we get NO outside support at all. So I look at my single parent sibling who gets my mother on hand all the time for all after school and holiday (and cleaning, cooking, animal care etc etc) and every 2nd weekend child free to go on dates with her partner and weekends away etc - and I think, yes it's tough being sole decision maker as a single parent but you get WAAAY more free time/ adult time than I ever do.

Horses for courses. I am a lone parent and struggled when he was a toddler, however I have an extremely easy teenager and I'm finding parenting at this stage an absolute doddle. A lot of couples have difficult teen years with their kids and probably find parenting a 15yo harder than I do.

I'd say my friends that have to work and do everything themselves do appear to struggle more, but there are also some who do all the house stuff and also manage an inept husband (extra washing and cleaning up after etc).

But she doesn’t necessarily have it 100% harder than other people. That kind of utterly self-centred and superficial thinking helps no one.

Someone might be a single parent, but they might have a toddler who sleeps very well. Their friend in a two parent family who hasn’t slept for more than 2 consecutive hours in a couple of years may well be having a much tougher time.

Looking beyond your own nose and considering that other people may be struggling with all kinds of things is important. Even if their struggles wouldn’t rank higher than yours in the awfulness Olympics, being dismissive and not really caring about their experience and feelings is not the hallmark of a nice person.

Of course they have it easier.

Are you saying that a 2 parent family with a FT nanny has is just as easy as a 2 parent family without a nanny?

If course not, the more people involved the easier it is.

I find it really offensive that there are posters saying they have it as hard as a single parent, because that’s simply not true.

No one wants to listen to someone constantly moaning, especially about the same thing.

So a single parent is lucky if they’ve got a toddler who sleeps through the night, even though a 2 parent family can take shifts and both get decent sleep?

Not to mention the double income, the free time, second pair of hands whilst you have a shower etc.

so now it’s a two parent family with a nanny

i was quoting your specific point about two parents

and having parented as a couple and as a single parent… i find it infinitely easier as a single parent

what is your experience of either?

Sometimes it helps to focus on the good things in life and be grateful for what you have.
It may sound twee but moaning constantly isn't going to help your friendships. No one wants to meet up with the friend who's going to moan and believes no one else has the right to moan as much as she does.
Try being positive a bit more about your own life and listen more to others.

It’s not a race to the bottom.

im a single mum to a disabled child, but I wouldn’t tell you your wrong to find things stressful because it’s your life.

a bit of compassion can go a long way.

Things that are easier with two parents in the house: an extra pair of hands so one is cleaning up after dinner while one is putting the child to bed.

Things that are harder with two: negotiating and keeping track of who and how ref almost any chore, drop off, pick up. The extra food and extra laundry. Fitting in spending time with two sets of in-laws who may be some distance away, have health challenges or be difficult people.

Things that are harder for one parent: knowing that if it needs doing, you'll be doing it.

Things that are easier for one: not having to argue or negotiate about anything.

So sometimes easier one way, sometimes easier the other.

This 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

I’m a recently single parent and it is freakin hard work but I’m not carrying a man-teen or getting up in the night annoyed it is me again …

Yes couples could potentially have it easier but I’ve found I’m a better mum not getting angry at my ex man-teen

Sometimes the loneliest place is in the middle of a crowd

They’ll also be dealing with relationship issues that you’re not. They will have to compromise on parenting styles to find something that suits them both. Their children might be more difficult than yours. And if your partner isn’t an equal, you don’t have to look hard on here for the LTB posts that promise it’ll be easier without a man child around - so I think you are being unfair.

Yes, some things will be easier in a couple but it doesn’t mean it’s plain sailing.

Bloody hell.

Maybe try looking beyond the ‘single parents have it hardest’ story you’re so set on and consider the wide range of things that might be hard. And all the assumptions you are making about the circumstances of people living with partners.

Lots of people on this thread ARE single parents (me included). Maybe listen to the people saying that being a single parent is easier in various ways than their life was in a couple.

Beyond that, actually empathising with other people’s struggles is a good thing to try.

I had 3 children raised in a home with a father that was away up to 9 months a year and that was back in the day with no online food orders. Point is every parent has it hard, not just you. No wonder your friends aren't feeling comfortable.
As to when it stops being constant, when they are all above 18 until the first Grandchild then the merry go round starts again.

There are lone parents who get no time off and no maintenance. Would you like to feel you’re not allowed to complain because your life is easier than theirs?

I guess for your friend to feel they had to say something to you, you may have become a bit of an emotional drain to be around. It’s really not a race to the bottom
and if people feel they have to censor themselves around you then you probably should consider how you
are coming across before people get fed up and start to avoid you.

Yes your life sounds quite difficult at the moment but other people are allowed to find things a struggle too even if you consider yourself worse off. It’s good you have a friend that would bring this up with you as I think a lot of people would have just distanced themselves.

All this apart from "abusive".

I know it's not the main point of the thread but the dad needs to pull his finger out. This child is nearly two he's had enough time to get a cot as at that age a cot and bedding is basically what he needs. If he says he can't afford one there are baby banks and all sorts to help him. Unless he is living in an HMO it's no excuse.

Op parenting a small child alone is relentless I did it with two. My friends were suppprtive but only my lone parent friends really got it. Wishing you all the best x

There are many reasons why parenting as part of a couple can be as difficult or even more difficult than being a single parent.
Abuse or illness are two very obvious ones that spring to mind.
Always having to be in agreement before decisions can be made is a different kind of difficulty.
In a physical and financial sense having 2 people involved should make it easier but there are some ways that being the sole one in charge can be quite liberating.

What about parents with more than one child where one parent works a lot?
I work 4 days, have 3 kids under 6 and partner works a lot so does very little/next to nothing when here.
yes, I have financial support but I feel like I am a single parent most of the time anyway and have to deal with a partner who does very little plus the kids. It’s effectively 4 other people I’m looking after.
3x bath time, 3x admin, 3x getting bags/uniforms and clothes ready for the next day.
I can imagine being a single parent is full on but you cannot think it’s definitely worse for you as no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.
sending strength x

If you live with an abusvie or lazy husband, l would say single parenting is probably easier.
And l have had plenty of times that l thought it would be easier if there was nobody else there when dh and l have disagreed on something child related.
Listen to your friend and try to see it isn't a black and white situation.