AIBU to think my life is always harder as a parent in this scenario?

[Hankiesk]

I think maybe I am but… here goes…

I parent our 17 month old alone. Ex pays but sees her as and when. Usually it’s for a day or day and night a week, she never goes to his as he just doesn’t have the right stuff for her there. I feel put upon massively, I am stressed on nursery run, dealing with online food orders, trying to clean around work, I never feel I have a moment to myself.

A good friend who I really trust said recently, very delicately, that when I moaned about these things as if it was only me because of being single, that others in the wider friendship group felt they couldn’t share how hard they find things when I’m around. I was surprised by this as I genuinely believe as a couple life with one child is pretty easy? I never consider anyone in a relationship with a child could find it harder than me, I imagine it being plain sailing. AIBU?!

Far too many variables within family set ups to think this way.

We tend to discard the myriad of possible difficulties in other set ups and focus on our own individual difficulties, not realising that sometimes, by not having something we inevitably can't have the problems that often can be associated with it.

Eg. I don't have help or input from relatives.
What I immediately see around me is helpful grandparents and involved aunts and uncles all playing a role in bringing up the children. Woe is me that I and my kids don't have this.
What I don't see is the judging moaning grandparents who are less than enthusiastic about helping and lose patience with the kids as a consequence, or the irresponsible uncles who didn't think they'd bother with a car seat, or thought they could leave the kid with a mate while they popped to the shops.

You don't have a partner, fine. Obviously there are difficulties with this, but you've also eliminated all the possible detriments that go along with having one.
Don't compare your situation to the imaginary "perfect family" that very rarely, if ever, exists.

I worked with a single parent who had the same view as you, that people parenting in couples had it so much easier that she just dismissed any issues I was having - so I just stopped talking to her about them.

Of course, having an extra pair of hands and someone to share practicalities with does make a difference and from that perspective it is easier. And I can appreciate that all the responsibility falls to you so it can be stressful.

But as a couple, you also have twice the washing; twice the food prep; two lots of time talking about each others days etc. All normal family stuff and nothing to complain about at all - but there are demands on a couple's time that you don't have. Any issues with the children aren't halved because there are two of you, although any associated practicalities can be shared and
you always have someone to talk to so the stress can be reduced.

Also you might not know their home circumstances. i had friends whose husbands worked very long hours or worked away, so they were effectively single parents during the week, and weekends were spent trying to catch up with jobs and squeeze in a weeks worth of family time.

Well done for starting this thread and for listening to what people are saying. I don't doubt that your life is tough as a single parent, I'm glad I never experienced it, so hats off to you. But I have experienced a colleague's daily moans and dismissal of any of my issues as I am lucky enough to be in a couple.... so I do get where your friends are coming from too.

Also, just to add. I'm sorry you're parenting alone and finding it tough. From what little you've said it sounds like you have a good group of friends that are trying to be considerate of your feeling about being a single parent by downplaying their own struggles. I hope you can foster that friendship group and gain support from them. Things will get easier as DC gets older, stick in there and look after yourself as best you can. You're raising a whole human being in your own! It's a wonderful thing but it's a mammoth task to do alone, you're doing great.

Is me doing the washing when DH entertains the kids harder than you trying to do the washing with a kid hanging onto your leg? Probably not.
But that doesn't mean there aren't other things which aren't harder, or even just hard too. It isn't too trumps.

You don't have a parent undermining you, refusing to help with the kids but making a shit ton of mess, you might have easier dynamics with family or at work, or with money. But also, as I said it isn't about top trumps. Sometimes life's just hard.

We have three, good DH but I'm permanently exhausted. If I wanted to moan about being tired in your friendship group would you counter it with how much more tired you are because you're a single parent? If I moaned about being fed up of the constant clothes washing, would you tell me how much harder you have it?

You might say no but your friends comments suggest otherwise.

How often are your gripes labelled as "because I'M single" so there's a hard line your friend's can't pass?

Maybe we all benefit from appreciating the ways we are lucky.

I’m a single parent with a waste of space STBXH who only makes things harder. Focusing on how much harder things are for me than everyone else helps absolutely no one.

Yes I am frazzled running around and skint from paying nursery fees and everything else. I have a disability. I can’t afford a car. Etc etc.

But I have a good job that pays well and has potential for career progression. My children are healthy. I get the basic rate of CMS from STBXH (to the penny and no more). I can afford to heat my house, eat, pay for things I think are important. All of these are huge positives and not everyone has this.

my 3 year old sleeps well. This is a big thing. He didn’t always sleep well and I can remember the sleep deprivation. So when my friend was talking about her problems with her children who do not sleep well at the weekend, I listened. I sympathised. I recognised that she’s sharing something that is hard for her.

I didn’t sit there thinking ‘well you’ve got a nice partner who helps and you don’t have to go to work; my life of harder because I’m a single mum’. No. I didn’t even consider what level of sympathy the misery Olympic category merited (if any, because she’s married so isn’t allowed to complain).

If this OP’s friends are raising that they feel they can’t talk about their lives because she is dismissive and only interested in how hard things are for her, then she has a problem. Starting a thread seeking validation of her position that her life is just harder suggests she’s missed the point.

Living alone with a child is easier though surely? You only have yourself to think about. You aren't worrying what he is doing or trying to do stuff for them.

Stop looking at others and assuming they don't have problems

So o lu the person with the biggest complaint is allowed to moan?
I moan about the washing (three boys) and my mate goes omg yeah tell me about it (two girls). I don't snort and tell her she can't possibly understand my hard life because she only has to (generally clean) daughters and I have three (generally grubby) boys so how dare she speak to me of her problems!

I've done both - I've been a single parent and I'm now parenting as part of a couple. Pros and cons to each scenario. I had challenges as a single parent that I don't have now as a couple, and equally, I have other challenges now that I didn't have as a single parent. 🤷‍♀️

Anyone can be having a hard time for a multitude of reasons. I don’t tend to moan about being a single parent to my friends with partners because it’s not great conversation and I don’t want to give the impression I think I have it harder or that they can’t talk to me about their issues.

But people using this thread as a way of suggesting all the ways in which single parents have it easier is a bit crass. I’ve never been convinced that the “benefit” of being able to choose what to have for dinner or not negotiating over housework compensates for having to do 100% of everything yourself, though that is with very young children and maybe it changes over time.

I see becoming a single parent as a bit like the transition from 1 to 2 children. One can feel really hard and then you have a second and you somehow manage anyway even though one felt hard. I wouldn’t tell someone with one child they have it easy because at the time it’s not necessarily. You adapt to being a single parent and it can then seem that life would be easy with another parent involved.

There are of course individual circumstances that make other people’s lives harder or easier whether or not they have a partner, not least of which is being in a bad relationship where the other person doesn’t pull their weight.

Definitely don’t agree. My DH works so much that I do 97% of everything with DC, but he obviously lives here - so there’s his washing, one more person using the bathroom so cleaned more often, shopping for him too etc - I think if I were single I’d have less to do (don’t blame my DH at all btw). So like you I have no time to myself, racing to get everything done etc. My best friend who’s a single parent gets an actual break at least once a week, actual time where someone else is responsible for the child - which I don’t. And as her exh is involved to some extent (which presumably yours is too based on your post) it’s not like if the child ever had to go to hospital etc there’d be no one she could call for joint decisions etc so I absolutely think she has it easier than I do. Didn’t mean to write an essay but I think you’re being very blinkered by the ‘single parent’ tag and not considering the thousand ways it can be harder for other people. If my friend was like you I would be very disappointed in your viewpoint

The question here is: am I being unreasonable to think that my life is always harder (as a parent in this scenario)?

The answer is obviously yes.

Operating on the assumption that your life must always be harder than other people’s is a silly thing to do. It will alienate people because it’s not a very nice way to be.

Also you might find it reassuring to hear they struggle too. It isn't just you that finds it hard. It isn't just your child that does that. It isn't just your washing that duplicates overnight whilst eating one in every 5 socks. If they're struggling, then it's ok you are too.
I love seeing someone else's kids play up or hearing about someone else's kid who doesn't sleep well because it helps me remember it isn't about me, but about the job. The job is hard.

I've been in an unsupportive relationship (0-13 months), a single parent (13 months to roughly 5 years) and in a supportive relationship (birth up to 15 - different kids)

It is not necessarily plain sailing in a relationship, even a supportive one. Parenting is hugely challenging even if you do have support. You should be open to hearing about what your friends are going through.

I have an 18 month old with my husband and we find it hard - we're tired from having responsible jobs, parenting, keeping on top of the household and maintaining a bit of time for our own interests. I imagine it's so much harder for a single parent but as others have said, it isn't a competition. Trying to juggle work and having a sick child at home on little sleep isn't fun for anyone, even if you're sharing the load with someone else. I don't take lunch breaks at work so that I can get all my work done and still get to nursery in time for pickup. My DS is extremely active so when he's awake I can't really sit down other than meal times. To get back on track with your friends I think you need to recognise that there will be aspects of their lives they find difficult, even if it's not everything and for you it might feel like everything is difficult. I think if you can accept this then your relationships with your friends should improve and you might find more support and comfort from them.

No your not being un reasonable
two parent families will just never get it .
All the financial emotionally responsibility all on one adult . Health , appointments and other commitments .

Some of these hard done by people could never cope being a single parent.

I am a single parent and still saying its not as black and white and depends on individual situations

Me too.

Being open to recognising that other people struggle too is important.

I parented two children in a abusive relationship

I parented the same two children alone with no outside support

I now parent a disabled child with my husband whilst we both have mh issues.

My time as a single parent was by far the easiest.

But it's not a competition, you don't get the 'I have the worst life' award because you're a single parent. Your friends should be able to talk to you about anything without feeling like your one upping them.

Make sure when you listen to them don't quash down their experience or come back with "well you should try my life...," their stuff is equally as valid as yours. Also pick your moments if someone needs to let off steam hold back on your own stuff.

It sounds like your friend came from a good place in telling you this. Take it on board.

I think most people are open to everyone struggling .
It will just never be the same as one parent caring for 1.2.3 kids alone
compare to two parents caring for how many kids .

some single parents may have family and good friends to help. Not everyone is that lucky and it’s still not the same as a hands on second parent .

These forums are full of single mums promising that it gets easier when you ditch the useless man.

I think if there are 2 families in identical situations and same life issues, and one is a single parent while the other is a couple, the likelihood is the single parent has it tougher.

However, that's assuming all else is equal, which is rarely the case.

How difficult your life is will be impacted by multiple factors - whether you are a single parent or not is only one of them.

I'm also a single parent and yes it's hard. But I have friends that are married and have a lot going on which makes their overall life 'harder' than mine. I wouldn't trade places for the world

Friendships are about reciprocity and give and take. Yes, of course as a single parent your life is likely, other things being equal, to be financially and practically more difficult than those of people parenting in couples. Unfortunately however if you want a proper friendship, you need to make space for the issues and problems which other people are having, otherwise it's a bit one-sided and they will shut down around you.

There is not ‘but single parents just do have it harder, always’ though.

Even in my own life, the hardest parts have not been during my time as a single parent.

I’m a single parent but even when I was with my ex partner it was a struggle. Not every family has great support whether single or in a couple.

I can see why they find it difficult. Just nod and sympathisé, like a friend.
It really isn't a competition