AIBU to think my life is always harder as a parent in this scenario?

[Hankiesk]

I think maybe I am but… here goes…

I parent our 17 month old alone. Ex pays but sees her as and when. Usually it’s for a day or day and night a week, she never goes to his as he just doesn’t have the right stuff for her there. I feel put upon massively, I am stressed on nursery run, dealing with online food orders, trying to clean around work, I never feel I have a moment to myself.

A good friend who I really trust said recently, very delicately, that when I moaned about these things as if it was only me because of being single, that others in the wider friendship group felt they couldn’t share how hard they find things when I’m around. I was surprised by this as I genuinely believe as a couple life with one child is pretty easy? I never consider anyone in a relationship with a child could find it harder than me, I imagine it being plain sailing. AIBU?!

You are not being unreasonable.
If they are in a couple and finding those things as difficult as you are then one of the couple isn't pulling their weight for whatever reason....I assume you would know or they would say if there was an issue like disability.

Perhaps you are dominating the conversation slightly and always bringing back to you, but it's not unreasonable to say one person trying to do everything is harder than two. Sometimes it's more about the others not wanting to hear it, perhaps they are just as tired and stressed but inside they know their partner could do more.
Plus....they have someone at home to talk to and get a hug from, you are probably using them as your place to talk and share your worries.

I think they should be more understanding but as the same time if your friend was so careful about how she mentioned it maybe look at how often you do bring it up and just flex a little.

You've got a good friend OP. She obviously wanted to let you know, because she could see that you were potentially losing friends.

So now it's up to you. Next time you meet up with any of the group, try to be the first to ask 'how are you'. And then listen. Don't butt in. Sympathise. Offer support.

Wait until someone asks you how are things before sharing your own situation. Then share it and move the conversation on.

However, don't fall into not feeling you can ask for help or support when things are particularly difficult for you at home. That's what friends are for. Give and take.

I am not a parent so not speaking from personal experience here. But I have been reading on mumsnet long enough to know that there are some parents (and predominantly mothers) who would be better off if they were single parents because they are looking after a useless man baby too.

I imagine that some things are harder for you than they might be for a couple in good health and in a positive, mutually respectful relationship.

Overall, I think as a good and trusted friend raised this to you in what you felt was a kindly manner, I suspect you do need to self reflect on how you might be coming across and adjust accordingly.

I've been a LP since ds was 13 months.

I can honestly say it wasn't any easier when with my DP than without those first 2 years. There were pros and cons to both.

Being a LP is hard. No one doubts that. Added into my mix is the fact ds is disabled.

But I also don't have the difficulties some of my couple friends have emotionally as I've no one else to worry about doing things or feel let down by.

Financially it's definitely harder though.

My ds is 19 now and I think if you rally value your friendship group you're going to have to open your mind to others struggles.

DH is on the Army so spends long periods away. (This is NOT the same as being a single parent... except logistics).

In some ways its easier when he isn't here. In other ways its more difficult. The one thing I've yet to manage is being in two places at once... so when he's home we can divide and conquer, whereas I can be like a yoyo who doesn't know whether I'm coming or going when he's away. But be then creates extra mess and gets under my feet at home, as I'm used to doing a lot of stuff by myself.

Everyone's situation has their own difficulties. Logistically you life may be a bit trickier right now... but doesn't necessarily mean that the others have their own difficulties.

Partner travels/works away so rarely there worse if this happens at short notice so unreliable
Fundamental disagreement on how to parent or just even doing things differently
Lazy arse who can't be counted on but expects to be accommodated
Two sets of wider family issues

I can think of many scenarios where two parents is 'worse' than one. But as someone said it's not a competition.

However if a friend has spoken to you that would indicate you talk about your challenges a lot and/or are dismissive of your friends. Of course friends are there to listen but if it's got to the level of someone feeling they have to speak to you, I'd be looking at my own behaviours and checking I wasnt monopolising the conversation.

It can be hard when your partner has very different ideas on how to parent. Also if they don’t pull their weight and you get resentful.

I was in a couple and felt suicidal when dd was a baby due to PND and her not sleeping. It may well have been even more difficult if single parent but it certainly was very challenging and my relationship suffered too. . I’m sorry you are having a tough time of it OP.

How would you feel if someone said how lucky you are to have a day to yourself, and a night off bedtime a week - that is the stuff dreams are made of!

And you're on your own all week so you can decide what to eat, whether to bother cooking or just eat cereal and if the house is a mess there's no-one else to care about it. Plenty of people in relationships do every nursery run because one half has a Big Important Job.

Every downside has an upside 🙃 it sounds like you might need a bit of imagination to consider the rest of the world isn't necessarily living a life of sunshine and roses.

Of course it's harder doing it all on your own. I think your friends are crap. Sure you don't have sole rights to difficulties and you should definitely listen to your friends and be supportive, and you should not assume they are without problems
But you're right in that it's not a patch on lone parenting. You need other single parent friends who actually get it.

I agree with everyone else but I also think you've probably got a really good friend there to have mentioned this to you. She seems to want to maintain a good relationship with you. (I say probably, only you know the dynamics of your group).

Find some other mums in your position, being a single parent IS extremely hard in ways only single parents can relate to so it would be good to know others in the same boat.

Is your single parenting one of your main topics of discussion? Could you discuss particular aspects of parenting you find hard? Eg sleeping? Ask them.how they are?

I fantasise about the life of my single parent friend, whose child goes to her dad’s 50% of the week… all that freedom to herself!

It’s not easier, just different.

Your friend has told you how the rest of your group feel. You can either take heed and be mindful when in their company, or carry on and risks them pulling away and ending the friendship.
Which would you prefer?
Life is not fair.
I sit and listen to work colleagues moaning about X and Y. I smile and nod.
They don’t know my true feelings about how entitled I believe they are.
Some people do have it much easier than others. However, I can guarantee all of your friends will have their own personal struggles.

I feel put upon massively, I am stressed on nursery run, dealing with online food orders, trying to clean around work, I never feel I have a moment to myself. these are things plenty parents in a couple feel too.

My friends dh was awful and she found life much easier when he left and she became a single parent.
Some couples struggle with a child and with each other and it's not plain sailing.
And even if it was, why shouldn't a friend be able to talk about their struggles that are personal to them.
I think you also need to consider how you're coming across for your friend to mention something. Are you quite moany and negative? Because that will take its toll.
She sounds like a really good friend btw. She's giving you a heads up so you can adjust your behaviour before everyone gets really fed up.

I agree she's a good friend

When my children were that age my husband always worked away Monday to Friday. I always found it harder when he was home, it felt like an extra person to look after.
When it was just me and the children at home we had easy early dinners, all cleaned away before I put them to bed.
I found when he was home at the weekend and just sat in the chair while I still did everything infuriating.
I'll add we are still married 10 years later and nothing has changed!

It’s so situation dependent I don’t think you can simplify it by saying someone who is single has it worse. That said I think there are some pressures and stressors that other single parents would better understand so I’d try and find friends who have similar experiences that you can talk to. With kindness I’d also consider your approach to looking at situations as while I have no doubt how hard it must be to do it with so little support, constantly focusing on the hard or negative bits is going to have you feeling pretty glum. While it’s easier said than done focusing on the good bits and practicing gratitude can really help your wellbeing and mood.

Having co.parented with someone who was not pulling his weight but still demanded a 'say' I can confirm I'd rather have been alone. It's all tough but it gets better

I agree with this. I would struggle to maintain a friendship with someone who dismissed any of my worries and concerns by making it into some kind of suffering competition where they always "won". I am not denying that being a sole parent is hard, but there are infinite problems others could have that you might know nothing about (because they don't feel comfortable sharing with you if you have been dismissive in the past) and they are just as entitled to seek support from their friends about it.

Your friends should support you but it should also be reciprocal and bear in mind that just because someone isnt talking all the time about a struggle they have does not mean everything is fine and dandy. They might be ill, they might have lost their job, their child might be ill, their parents may be terminal, they might be struggling to make ends meet, they might be in an abusive relationship, they partner might work away from home a lot of the time- the list is endless and they have just as much right to their feelings as you.

@Hankiesk this may be controversial but without knowing your full circumstances I can only assume that you were 50:50 responsible for the events which led to you parenting alone. It's a difficult job, that is obviously easier with two parents pitching in. If I had a friend who was lone parenting because of no fault of her own I would be supportive. But if I felt she beared significant responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship I would find it more difficult to be sympathetic.

@SecondUsername4me
This exactly!
OP my life as a single parent is much easier than being stuck with a useless lazy man child who did sod all to help as a parent and was in fact just a drain on my time and energy !

I’m absolutely loving doing it myself , mine is older now though .

as others have said parenting is a challenge regardless of your couple status

There are differences between the difficulties a single parent faces and those part of a couple but many of the parenting challenges are similar - you can still struggle with routines, feeding, tiredness, childcare woes etc and have a partner. It's not easy raising children, even if it is relatively easier! Plus being in a couple can have its own challenges, a Quick Look at the live threads will find men not doing their share and causing extra work, and extra man child to look after etc (not saying your friends are in this situation but many are) .

We can be empathetic to others whatever our own struggles

It was a fuckton easier without my ExH as he just made life so much harder.

Exactly this. So many mothers will tell you how much easier it for when they left their DP, including me, so surely that suggests OP that some of them might actually have it harder than you?