Dp made this comment about my lady parts - aibu?

[Wilterh93]

Without going into too much detail, dp and me were messing around and he said ‘I can see your labia now, it hangs out a little bit now, did I cause that? It used to be like this when you were a virgin (uses his fingers to insinuate a neat vagina) but now it’s like this (uses fingers to show labia poking out)’.

He didn’t mean it in a malicious way and was saying it with a laugh on his face but it instantly embarrassed me and I hid behind the shower curtain. When I was upset/annoyed about it he said I’m too sensitive and need to grow up and that it’s not a bad thing.

I’m not upset about the technicalities of what he said. I’m nearly a 30 year old woman ofcourse my vagina will not look how it did as a teenage virgin. I just feel that it was an unnecessary comment that he didn’t need to make, especially in a vulnerable moment when I was naked. He found it innocent and said it’s not a bad thing but I know he would never say that to another woman. I feel with me he has no filter.

Am I being unreasonable to be slightly offended/upset about this? How would you feel if your partner made a comment like this? I think it doesn’t help that I’m quite self conscious of my body and insecure. During sex I’ve learned to not worry because he’s never made a comment like that but now im going to feel slightly awkward when he’s near that region …

It can cause insecurity because porn presents the neat ones ie young ones as "ideal" 🤢

Well I've never had a neat one, it's always looked like a kebab.

‘Neat’ has nothing to do with being young!

The difference varies by woman and health- eg obesity can cause more dramatic changes to the labia and vulva, plus history of pregnancy and childbirth- not just scarring from trauma but also prolapse & hormonal changes- the more children you have the more likely it will change, as well as genetics (the larger you are to start with from puberty- the more there is to deflate and sag)

This. Those people saying they never change are wrong, as in some people they do. I will never forget my mum, after getting up the courage after several drinks, asking me this. My nan had dementia and my mum had been doing personal care for several years and had noticed a definite change in this regard, size of inner labia, in the time she had been caring for her (she could not shower or clean herself). Mum was afraid it was a general thing and would happen to her also so asked me. Memorable conversation. No idea why she thought I was an expert, it’s not something they cover in medical training🤣. I mean, if you get to that age, dementia or no dementia, why would you even care.

If this is true, which I’m not disputing, they certainly shouldn’t be the type of man any of us marry. If op has married one of these men she has bigger problems than a comment about the size of her labia and should scoot on off to find herself a nice (normal) gentleman

"external vaginal features”

😂 This is nonsense word salad!! Vulva, FFS. Why are so many women so keen to avoid that perfectly normal word?

It can cause insecurity because porn presents the neat ones ie young ones as "ideal"

It's not nothing to do with age though. The fanny you have at 14 is the fanny you have at 40 assuming no childbirth alterations, and regardless of sexual activity.

You forgot the labia. Should I have written 'your vulva, labia, clitoral hood and pubic hair do not change when you lose your virginity'?
It was a catch-all phrase to make a point, I was not avoiding the adult words

It's relevant in the context of what OPs husband said

I won't be storing those photos on the cloud. Imagine the 'year in memories' scroll, sat with 2 teenage DS and the IL's! 😂😱

Of course it can change as you age. Just like the lips on your face, your boobs, and your butt etc. You lose volume, which then causes things to droop. If you naturally had less volume to start with, any difference will be less noticeable. It's all perfectly normal.

Why say 'when you were a Virgin' rather than 'when you were x years old'. Sounds like he's negging you.

I remember looking at the galleries on the embarrassing bodies website years ago and couldn't believe how different they all looked 😄

😄 love it

PP didn’t say anyone should be outraged or look for a younger model though?
Of course we notices changes, but unless it’s something to be concerned about, why mention them to your partner? Surely they notice their grey hairs themselves.

He was just being factual. Bits sag over time. That's life! Who cares!?!

The correct response would have been "Have you had a good look at your balls recently???"

Remember the song??
#do your balls hang low, do they wobble to and fro, can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow, can you toss them over your shoulder like a regimental soldier do your BALLS hang low...#

OP is 29 though - no-one is sagging anywhere at 29 surely?

I'd find that hurtful, to be honest.

Especially said in the context of an intimate moment when you're quite vulnerable in the first place.

And give over with "being too sensitive" nonsense! People are allowed to be sensitive. It's not some great crime that needs to be atoned for. I often find when a person responds to criticism of their insensitivity with claims that the person needs to grow up and/or stop being so sensitive as a major deflection from themselves and their own behaviour.

If I said something to my DP that hurt his feelings, even if that wasn't my intention, or even if I didn't think it was hurtful-I'd apologise because that's the right thing to do. I would try and diminish their feelings about what I said or put the blame onto them for feeling that way about it. That would be the equivalent of a "I'm sorry you feel that way," apology-meaningless.

Honestly-making a remark about that area in the first place just reeks of immaturity and would be a huge turn off for me. Not only that to think he is the reason for any alleged changes.

If only men's dicks were as big as their egos.

This made me 😂😂.

Vulva IS the catch-all term for all the external parts of female genitalia.

(Maybe not pubic hair, to be fair!)

😂😂😂

I think he just sounds ignorant, like he doesn’t understand a woman’s body. It’s not uncommon, lots of women don’t really understand the technical bits of their body, as this thread shows.

Having a larger labia isn’t ‘sagging’. It’s perfectly normal.

Having a larger labia isn’t ‘sagging’. It’s perfectly normal.

Also true.

OP - labias change. Hormones, children, I may be wrong about this but I think in some case arousal can affect some women’s labias. It’s all perfectly normal. If he was insulting you he needs to go in the bin. If he was commenting because he was curious or because he thinks his sexual prowess has had some huge effect then he’s just ignorant and lacking in education.