Dp made this comment about my lady parts - aibu?

[Wilterh93]

Without going into too much detail, dp and me were messing around and he said ‘I can see your labia now, it hangs out a little bit now, did I cause that? It used to be like this when you were a virgin (uses his fingers to insinuate a neat vagina) but now it’s like this (uses fingers to show labia poking out)’.

He didn’t mean it in a malicious way and was saying it with a laugh on his face but it instantly embarrassed me and I hid behind the shower curtain. When I was upset/annoyed about it he said I’m too sensitive and need to grow up and that it’s not a bad thing.

I’m not upset about the technicalities of what he said. I’m nearly a 30 year old woman ofcourse my vagina will not look how it did as a teenage virgin. I just feel that it was an unnecessary comment that he didn’t need to make, especially in a vulnerable moment when I was naked. He found it innocent and said it’s not a bad thing but I know he would never say that to another woman. I feel with me he has no filter.

Am I being unreasonable to be slightly offended/upset about this? How would you feel if your partner made a comment like this? I think it doesn’t help that I’m quite self conscious of my body and insecure. During sex I’ve learned to not worry because he’s never made a comment like that but now im going to feel slightly awkward when he’s near that region …

A bit off topic, but I find anyone under the age of 30 saying their body ‘isn’t what it used to be’ to sound completely nuts! You are still very young! Your body doesn’t age very much 18-30. Weight gain and/or having kids may change body shape, but that’s not age related.

my Body hasn’t changed drastically since being a teenager and I’m in my 40’s ( that’s not a stealth boast btw…many women my age are the same. It’s not uncommon). Obviously I’ve aged facially, and more grey hairs, but my fanny hasn’t changed!

I think women are sold this myth that everything goes to shit after 21 - I’ve been surprised at what bullshit this is. I think many women don’t even blossom until they’re 30. I’d say 35 is peak age for women, but you’d think it was all downhill after 16 the way society behaved.

I noticed no discernible difference to my vag after childbirth ( I looked! It may be bigger, but it hasn’t made any difference to me)

his comments are weird. It’s possible you hadn’t fully developed in your teens, which makes his comment all the creepier.

That would really put me off him. I can't imagine wanting to take my pants off and have sex with him after that comment -I might be more sensitive that some in that regard, but it would make me really self conscious. It's not very sexy pointing and chuckling at your wife's very normal labia. I'd imagine he'd be pretty offended if out of nowhere you went 'look at your knob! I swear it was so much bigger than that when I met you and not so wrinkly and odd looking. Is that from aging or what?'. Some things don't need to be said -this was one of them.

All the talk of saggy balls in this thread... not the greatest of ear worms.

It wouldn’t bother me, OP. It sounds like friendly interest - “Did I cause that change?” Not like criticism. You’re intimate with each other and he felt relaxed in the belief that he could make what he thought was a harmless observation without causing offence. I hope he makes it clear that he loves your body!

I think the bit that was unreasonable was him saying you are too sensitive after you said you didn’t appreciate the comments. That was his cue to apologise and understand that his comments were not welcome.

This is how I read the initial comments. I don’t think it would bother me, but then in the moment I might actually feel like - alright well can you stop inspecting my labia now then pal.

I'm straight
Have sons
Don't watch porn

So don't have exposure to labia other than my own TBF.
I could tell you a lot of dick stories though.

@Wilterh93
Why do men make such dumb comments. Engage brain before you open your mouth, please.

I'd start singing that old song as I walked around the house:

"Do your balls hang low,
Do they wobble to and fro,
Can you tie 'em in a knot,
Can you tie 'em in a bow,
Can you throw 'em over your shoulder
like a Continental soldier,
Do your balls hang looooowwwww!"

Yanbu. To me It sounds like a rather thoughtless comment that he did not mean to cause upset with, but he put his foot in it.
After lots of partners in my late teens and my eldest's birth changed nothing for me down below, but ever since my twins birth everything is completely different and I hate it.
My partner come out with a stupid comment very similar to your partners. Never again after the reaction he got I will tell you!

I used to be a nurse.

They come in all shapes and sizes trust me. It's not to do with age ime.

No. It’s not wrong, it’s metonymy (specifically synecdoche), and a totally normal and conventional use of language.

I know very well the difference between the vulva and the vagina, and in many contexts will use the word vagina in a general sense to refer to the entire area. It’s a normal and well understood use of the word.

Agree with @bonzaitree, this is one of those pet smug corrections that certain people love an opportunity to wheel out to condescend to other women about.

The Great Wall of Vulva may technically be more accurate, but it misses the play on words thst the Great Wall of Vagina gives.

Most men actually prefer this so I wouldn't take it to heart!

Do you have children OP?

but I know he would never say that to another woman

🤔😂🙌

Most men prefer what?

Labia come in all shapes and sizes.

As someone with a large labia I think it's kinda sad to hear women talk about their saggy labia. There is nothing wrong with large inner labia.

All vulva's are beautiful, and yes I suggest all women get out a mirror and look at your own.

It's important to be able to look for changes and to know what you look like.

Trust me, it's gorgeous

What I say is, if you wouldn't say it to someone about their face, you shouldn't be saying it about their vulva

Best comment ever

Exactly!

Mine have been like that since I was old enough to notice, as have my wife’s! It’s totally normal and nothing to do with aging.

There also isn’t anything wrong with your body looking older anyway.

I do wish women were better educated about our own bodies.

Larger labia, as opposed to a 'neat' one

@Sunnysideupagain Same here. I haven't had children and things have been fairly constant.
My labia grew during puberty and anyone describing them as looking bot virginal would have been a vile pervert as they very much were for several years!

Your external vaginal features will not change if you are no longer a vrigin ffs

Lady parts? Are we in the 1870s

I don’t think it would be very positive or fair for me to state “men prefer my neat, small labia to large protruding labia”, and I think the same applies in reverse.

Not to mention – are we really scoring our labia against whether men will like them or not?

Was he a virgin too when you got together? He sounds very naive.