Dp made this comment about my lady parts - aibu?

[Wilterh93]

Without going into too much detail, dp and me were messing around and he said ‘I can see your labia now, it hangs out a little bit now, did I cause that? It used to be like this when you were a virgin (uses his fingers to insinuate a neat vagina) but now it’s like this (uses fingers to show labia poking out)’.

He didn’t mean it in a malicious way and was saying it with a laugh on his face but it instantly embarrassed me and I hid behind the shower curtain. When I was upset/annoyed about it he said I’m too sensitive and need to grow up and that it’s not a bad thing.

I’m not upset about the technicalities of what he said. I’m nearly a 30 year old woman ofcourse my vagina will not look how it did as a teenage virgin. I just feel that it was an unnecessary comment that he didn’t need to make, especially in a vulnerable moment when I was naked. He found it innocent and said it’s not a bad thing but I know he would never say that to another woman. I feel with me he has no filter.

Am I being unreasonable to be slightly offended/upset about this? How would you feel if your partner made a comment like this? I think it doesn’t help that I’m quite self conscious of my body and insecure. During sex I’ve learned to not worry because he’s never made a comment like that but now im going to feel slightly awkward when he’s near that region …

The difference varies by woman and health- eg obesity can cause more dramatic changes to the labia and vulva, plus history of pregnancy and childbirth- not just scarring from trauma but also prolapse & hormonal changes- the more children you have the more likely it will change, as well as genetics (the larger you are to start with from puberty- the more there is to deflate and sag).

It’s not all “aging” so much as a life lived.

I approve! Vive la vulvalution!

My thoughts exactly! 🙄😂

I hope you can see from the extreme variety of comments on your post that this is something that’s a very subjective and personal thing- if you’re hurt and offended by what he said, you need to tell him and take it from there. Could be he doesn’t respect you and isn’t the man for you, or on the flip side it was a genuinely innocent comment and he didn’t mean to upset you. Nobody is perfect, and we all put our foot in it sometimes. Based on what he’s like the rest of the time (that is, the the 95% when you’re not having sex) which of those do you think it’s likely to be?

Can't believe people didn't know labia minora sticks out on many women 🤣🤣🤣 it's not an age thing

It’s both.

Men absolutely are critical of women’s bodies, I’d say more so than women. A disturbing amount of men actually believe ‘outie’ labias are caused by women having a lot of sex!

My DH calls mine Squid because I joked that it looks like some as-yet-undiscovered sea creature found lurking at the bottom of the ocean. I'm not self-conscious or insecure about my genitals and he doesn't give a toss what it looks like either.

People who don't have body issues don't always realise that other people do and so their comments can appear insensitive or malicious even though that wasn't their intentions. Don't take it personally because he obviously didn't mean it negatively. Have a conversation with him about what you find uncomfortable so he will know for in future.

Congratulations, you have female adult genitals, nothing weird, different or strange about that.

Him though, he is a stupid baby.

Plot twist: it’s not inner labia that got lower, it’s outer labia that shrunk along with losing “puppy fat” in all other places (cheeks, temples etc).

Can’t believe people think this is a normal and excusable comment to say to your partner!

Well no, vagina is wrong and it should be pointed out, every single time. You wouldn't refer to a penis as a prostate would you?

Same thing. Vagina is the part that is inside a woman and therefore the wrong name for it.

I think your dh is simply naive and ignorant about women's bodies, including yours. I don't think he was being intentionally spiteful. He should not have merely dismissed your upset over it though.

it's kind of demoralising that you have bought into the narrative that an adult vulva with visible labia is untidy and less pleasant than one without.

@Silvetmoon exactly! And I would think less of him as result of a comment like that.

The majority of women have protruding labia minora (56%) in one study, easily found on google.

It is not solely related to aging and I've had teenage girls brought to me for examination with completely normal vulvas and protruding labia because their parents did not know it was normal.

I always find it surprising that people don't know it's the more common appearance of labia, but I guess if you've not seen many then you've nothing to compare to 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not that my post adds anything to OPs situation - only you'll know OP if he was just being a clueless knob who knows nothing about women's bodies or whether he was having a nasty dog. Neither is great.

Dig! A nasty dig FFS 😂

Doesnt sound like a bad comment to me. From what you've written he was just describing with surprise what he realised. He doesnt know that your mind translated it as saying your parts lookd worse now than they had before. You say yourself you are body conscious and insecure and I think its exactaly what makes you think so much and feel so bad.

I think both he and his comments sound effed up. I also think he is minimising with his reaction which should have been an apology.

Tell him his droopy balls look like onions. They make you want to cry.

I’m a man, and that’s nonsense I’m afraid - we’re not all driven giddy by the sight of genitalia!

🤣👏

What a tool. He sounds like an Inbetweener or something. It’s not LTB territory in isolation but I’d just say to my DH, “You may play down that one little remark as something that doesn’t matter but you should know that every time you see it, I’ll be reminded of your unnecessary comment about my body which is a huge turn off, not to mention I’ll feel very conscious of it too.” It’d make my labia clasp shut in his company anyway…

They can absolute wankers, can't they?

Clearly preferring the look of a teen virgin - he might well think it, I expect there's quite a lot of difference between teenage boy and middle aged man too, but feeling it's ok to say it shows amazing lack of empathy and care.