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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

10 year old won’t stop crying

236 replies

Mimikyuu · 21/01/2024 21:39

My 10 year old won’t stop crying because I’m going away for a few days. It’s gotten to a point now where I’m just annoyed by it and struggling to muster sympathy.

Any idea on how to calm this sort of anxiety? She’s been crying for a week and I leave next week for 3 days. She will be here with her dad and brother.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 21/01/2024 21:40

Agree times that you will phone/Facetime her.

Icannoteven · 21/01/2024 21:43

It sounds like she is worried about something. What is her relationship like with her dad and brother? Would she be happier staying with someone else?

Curlewwoohoo · 21/01/2024 21:45

My 9yo daughter can be the same. I just have to not give much warning and go to be honest. Keep it matter of fact. She's fine when I'm actually gone. It's the thought of it more.

PonyPatter44 · 21/01/2024 21:45

I think you need to just ignore it now. Assuming she has no learning difficulties or disabilities, it would be kinder to just ignore her histrionics and get on with your day.

0nceMoreUntoTheBreach · 21/01/2024 21:47

You could stay at home.

DelilahsHaven · 21/01/2024 21:48

Has she been able to tell you what is upsetting her so much about you being away?

What would she want to happen? Is she afraid of something happening to you or is she afraid of something happening to her and you not being there for her? Talking it through and reassuring her might help.

Can you arrange set times to call/facetime her as the poster above suggested?

She does sound very upset. Could be hormones at play at that age.

DustyLee123 · 21/01/2024 21:48

Have you had the period talk, and does she know where to find pads?

Hankunamatata · 21/01/2024 21:50

Mine same. Literally tell the day before then go and mines a boy

tillytown · 21/01/2024 21:54

If this was completely abnormal behaviour for her then I would be concerned as to why she didn't want to be alone with her dad and brother.
If it was normal then I would just make a plan with her about when to text/call and get on with it.

spicedlemonpie · 21/01/2024 22:18

This is in no way saying that this is happening to your child but please please talk to her let her know you believe her.
If she is really upset take her with you if need be.
Please investegate its probably nothing and she is playing up.

Please please talk to her believe what she says i say this because i was the same as was my sisters and my mother would not listen to us just fobbed us off told us off ect.
And she would go for days away and leave us with our step dad for days.
We were abused badly until i ran away at 14 truth came out mother took his side.
It ruined us and our childhood.
I was only 9 sisters was 11-12.

Ellysetta · 21/01/2024 22:19

Ugh mine is like this

It’s so exhausting

She’ll be fine when you’re gone but if you speak/ facetime that might set her off again. Texting may work better. Ask her what contact works for her.

Good luck and enjoy the break!

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/01/2024 22:22

0nceMoreUntoTheBreach · 21/01/2024 21:47

You could stay at home.

That's helpful. OP doesn't say what she's away for, it might be work. Maybe she can't stay home. Also where do you draw the line?

OP, has she said what she's anxious about? Is her brother OK with you not being there?

TeabySea · 21/01/2024 22:24

0nceMoreUntoTheBreach · 21/01/2024 21:47

You could stay at home.

We don't know of OP is going away because she wants to, or whether it is a business thing and she has to.
It's not as though the child is being abandoned, or is so young they don't understand.

As PPs have suggested, the reassurance of a phone call/facetime at certain points should be sufficient to cover immediate issues, and a quick chat about if periods happen whilst OP is away is a good call

InAPickle12345 · 21/01/2024 22:25

I'd actually be really concerned about this if the behaviour is out of character. What's her relationship with her father and brother like?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 21/01/2024 22:26

Why is she crying? Afraid something will happen to you? Will miss you? Doesn’t want to put up with siblings? Can she make suggestions which will ease her anxiety?

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 21/01/2024 22:30

That's very extreme. It really is. I'll put it out there. My DD was like this. I learned later that she was being sexually abused by her dad/my ex husband. How likely is this to be the case in your situation? Honestly, I'd imagine the likelihood is so low. Mine was a very unusual scenario. But it is unusual behaviour. A week of crying? Even if nothing terrible is happening (and it probably isn't), she needs help with this. She's obviously not coping and needs some tools in the toolbox to help manage change. Is dad a bit of an a-hole to her?

JoleneTookHerMan · 21/01/2024 22:39

Mine did same when I went away for a few days. They are like my shadows and very much 'mummy's girls' and I knew they would be upset.

To us adults, a few days is nothing but to children it can feel like a long time, especially when they aren't used to a parent going away for maybe more than a few hours.

We face timed and messaged and we arranged a 'girls days out' for when I got back to give them something to look forward to and just reinforced that it was only a few days and that I couldn't wait to get back to have that day together. Despite all the initial tears, they were fine.

idonthaveyourwellies · 21/01/2024 22:41

It's very telling that OP doesn't respond to most of these messages. My Mother was very much the same. My sister is the same too

Your child is crying, asking you not to go. So you can A: take her with you, B: ask a friend or a relative she's comfortable with if she can stay or C: you just don't go.

You ask what you can do to calm the anxieties? You talk to your child and come up with a solution

Its really that simple

Dancerprancer19 · 21/01/2024 22:43

TeabySea · 21/01/2024 22:24

We don't know of OP is going away because she wants to, or whether it is a business thing and she has to.
It's not as though the child is being abandoned, or is so young they don't understand.

As PPs have suggested, the reassurance of a phone call/facetime at certain points should be sufficient to cover immediate issues, and a quick chat about if periods happen whilst OP is away is a good call

Show quote history

Also..... it's totally okay to go away from your 10 year old for 'just' for fun 😁

Original poster
Mimikyuu · 21/01/2024 22:45

idonthaveyourwellies · 21/01/2024 22:41

It's very telling that OP doesn't respond to most of these messages. My Mother was very much the same. My sister is the same too

Your child is crying, asking you not to go. So you can A: take her with you, B: ask a friend or a relative she's comfortable with if she can stay or C: you just don't go.

You ask what you can do to calm the anxieties? You talk to your child and come up with a solution

Its really that simple

Jesus Christ I only posted an hour ago I’ve been busy!

Im having surgery so no she can’t come with me. I’ve not told her about the surgery as she would freak out even more. Her relationship with her dad and brother is fine she’s just very clingy to me.

OP posts:
elgreco · 21/01/2024 22:45

Ask if she'd like to stay with granny or friend. If she stops crying, you have a husband or son problem.

Original poster
Mimikyuu · 21/01/2024 22:47

She can’t stay with anyone else as then she would have to miss school. Also she would be exactly the same staying elsewhere.

OP posts:
Ghosttofu99 · 21/01/2024 22:51

Maybe she found out about the surgery and that is what is the real worry if you haven’t discussed it.

Allchangename354 · 21/01/2024 22:51

Why does she think you are going away? Does she know it is hospital? Can she sense it’s something serious and you are hiding it?

worrywilma · 21/01/2024 22:52

Fucking hell. what has the world come to, when's mum asks a parenting forum for advice on her anxious daughter, next news, people are insinuating her husband and/or son are perverts!

And before I get piled on, yes I'm aware of the signs of sexual abuse. I live it.