Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

10 year old won’t stop crying

236 replies

Mimikyuu · 21/01/2024 21:39

My 10 year old won’t stop crying because I’m going away for a few days. It’s gotten to a point now where I’m just annoyed by it and struggling to muster sympathy.

Any idea on how to calm this sort of anxiety? She’s been crying for a week and I leave next week for 3 days. She will be here with her dad and brother.

OP posts:
worrywilma · 21/01/2024 22:52

*lived it

Original poster
Mimikyuu · 21/01/2024 22:53

Allchangename354 · 21/01/2024 22:51

Why does she think you are going away? Does she know it is hospital? Can she sense it’s something serious and you are hiding it?

She thinks I’m going away for work.

OP posts:
KarenNotAKaren · 21/01/2024 22:53

idonthaveyourwellies · 21/01/2024 22:41

It's very telling that OP doesn't respond to most of these messages. My Mother was very much the same. My sister is the same too

Your child is crying, asking you not to go. So you can A: take her with you, B: ask a friend or a relative she's comfortable with if she can stay or C: you just don't go.

You ask what you can do to calm the anxieties? You talk to your child and come up with a solution

Its really that simple

Your mother and sister didn’t immediately respond to mumsnet posts?

If a child is anxious over a parent going away then cancelling plans and staying does NOT help their anxiety long-term. Unfortunately it’s a tough lesson that these things happen.

The fact OP is having surgery is even more reason to go - although OP I do think you should tell her she’s probably freaking out because she’s not fully in the picture

KarenNotAKaren · 21/01/2024 22:54

Mimikyuu · 21/01/2024 22:53

She thinks I’m going away for work.

Show quote history

You need to tell her the truth. Make her realise why you can’t just stay, and explain that you will rest and recuperation afterwards.

I'llBuyThatForADollar · 21/01/2024 22:54

That kind of secrecy doesn't bode well. Tell her what's going on and why you're away for a few days. I was hidden from things like this as a child and it made me internalise my feelings. Your daughter may be upset but be honest and teach her that it's ok to be sad about you going away but that you'll get through it as a family

I'llBuyThatForADollar · 21/01/2024 22:55

Please don't lie FFS. Just be honest

KarenNotAKaren · 21/01/2024 22:55

BTW OP I have a 10yo girl and they are funny creatures - hormones are definitely at play, mine goes from doing a v good impersonation of a moody teen to being clingy and anxious over me in about 5 seconds flat.

So I do think this is normal to some extent, all the 10yo girls I know are similar

Cas112 · 21/01/2024 22:56

If this is a totally new scenario where you wouldn't usually go away alone she will be able to sense something is going on, she knows she wouldn't usually be left with dad and brother so she is tuned into something going on behind the scenes

Itsmychristmasdress · 21/01/2024 22:56

She probably knows you are going to hospital or something is wrong and is fearful you won't come home again. Just tell her the truth, it's unfair to lie to her.

KarenNotAKaren · 21/01/2024 22:56

I'llBuyThatForADollar · 21/01/2024 22:54

That kind of secrecy doesn't bode well. Tell her what's going on and why you're away for a few days. I was hidden from things like this as a child and it made me internalise my feelings. Your daughter may be upset but be honest and teach her that it's ok to be sad about you going away but that you'll get through it as a family

Yes there was lots of secrecy in my family too. I wasn’t even told my grandad had cancer when I was 13, I found out years later and was absolutely furious!

letstrythatagain · 21/01/2024 22:57

idonthaveyourwellies · 21/01/2024 22:41

It's very telling that OP doesn't respond to most of these messages. My Mother was very much the same. My sister is the same too

Your child is crying, asking you not to go. So you can A: take her with you, B: ask a friend or a relative she's comfortable with if she can stay or C: you just don't go.

You ask what you can do to calm the anxieties? You talk to your child and come up with a solution

Its really that simple

😂 you do know some people do stuff away from Mumsnet dont you??

Theresit · 21/01/2024 22:57

You need to be honest!
What if there’s a complication?
She’s 10 not 3.

Duckingfun · 21/01/2024 22:57

You should tell her the truth, I’m assuming you will need recovery time and at some point she will know you lied to her.
Tell her you have to go because it’s important you have this surgery, ask why she is so upset. What exactly is bothering her? You can FaceTime after school, at dinner and at bedtime etc

I was a very clingy child to my mum and I was being badly abused by my dad so I would really try to figure out why she’s so distressed without just dismissing it as being clingy.

I hope your surgery goes well.

Original poster
Mimikyuu · 21/01/2024 23:00

I really don’t think I should tell her. She will be a nightmare. She was the same when I had my C-section.

OP posts:
Forgottenmypasswordagain · 21/01/2024 23:05

I would tell her the truth. Maybe your dp can involve her in something to get her mind off of missing you? Maybe she could choose out a new pillowcase or throw blanket, make a get well card, choose flowers for you coming home. Help put clean sheets on your bed ect. She could make a welcome home banner. Take her mind off your absence and put it on the homecoming? Good luck with your surgey, hope you have a speedy recovery.💐

Quartz2208 · 21/01/2024 23:05

But that is the issue you aren’t telling her or seeing her like a 10 year old. She needs the truth

KarenNotAKaren · 21/01/2024 23:07

Mimikyuu · 21/01/2024 23:00

I really don’t think I should tell her. She will be a nightmare. She was the same when I had my C-section.

You can’t continue to avoid being honest with her. She will be in secondary before long where she will learn all sorts about the world and very quickly! Don’t fail to prepare her by treating her like she’s a China doll

Blahblahblahblahblahurgh · 21/01/2024 23:07

0nceMoreUntoTheBreach · 21/01/2024 21:47

You could stay at home.

I have an autistic child. If we stayed home every time he got upset because he was anxious about someone doing something, we would NEVER leave the house.

Don't be so bloody ridiculous.

Chichimcgee · 21/01/2024 23:12

When do you plan to stop lying to her? When she’s an adult and doesn’t believe a word you say?

K37529 · 21/01/2024 23:13

I think a 10 year old will be more understanding of you needing to go away for surgery rather than work. She probably doesn't see work as important enough for you to have to leave her (I know it is but thinking from the mind of a 10 year old). She will understand that you need surgery and therefore can not possibly stay. I know it's a bit late now but next time you need to go away don't give this much notice, a day or two is enough i think shes had too much time to dwell on this. Good luck with the surgery hope all goes well 💐

MargaretThursday · 21/01/2024 23:16

I remember plastering myself against a door and crying hysterically refusing to let dm go out.
I couldn't explain why but I had a sudden dreadful feeling that if she went there would be a disaster. She went, and it was fine.

I have no idea why I felt that way, but I was totally certain if she went I would never see her again
I was wrong.

WagWoofWalkMeeoow · 21/01/2024 23:19

Mimikyuu · 21/01/2024 22:47

She can’t stay with anyone else as then she would have to miss school. Also she would be exactly the same staying elsewhere.

@Mimikyuu

Dors she have any school friends she could stay with, then she might focus on the sleep over more than you coming away.

Though at 10 with no special needs, I'd be losing my patience now too. She's old enough to tell you what her problem
is.

Mumof2teens79 · 21/01/2024 23:27

Bribery!
Sorry...I mean incentive
At the moment she has nothing to lose. You are going away, she doesn't know why, she thinks if she is upset enough you will have to stay.
She may not be consciously trying to manipulate you, or faking crying, but she has learned that being upset about bad things means mum and dad take the bad thing away.

She needs an incentive to try and stop crying, to be a grown up. It will be hard for her so you need a system where if she slips up she doesn't lose everything and give up but has a reason to carry on.

The reward probably needs to be something nice, just you and her for the day or night.

It's always worth considering the unthinkable but it could be as simple as last time you went away you came back with a baby and couldn't play with her cuddle her or put her to bed for weeks

Peakypolly · 21/01/2024 23:29

I remember being similarly behaved when I was around that age and my DM was staying away to attend her sisters (overseas) funeral.
I had a lovely, involved Dad and two older siblings who I loved but it was as if, having first heard she wouldn't be around for three days, I felt upset and then couldn't stop escalating my tears. She went and I was fine.

I believe you should be honest about having an op though. If (or when) she finds out the truth she will never feel fully trustful of you again.Also you are forcing your DH and DS to be complicit in your lie.

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/01/2024 23:30

idonthaveyourwellies · 21/01/2024 22:41

It's very telling that OP doesn't respond to most of these messages. My Mother was very much the same. My sister is the same too

Your child is crying, asking you not to go. So you can A: take her with you, B: ask a friend or a relative she's comfortable with if she can stay or C: you just don't go.

You ask what you can do to calm the anxieties? You talk to your child and come up with a solution

Its really that simple

What's your advice now you know OP is having surgery?