10 year old won’t stop crying

[Mimikyuu]

My 10 year old won’t stop crying because I’m going away for a few days. It’s gotten to a point now where I’m just annoyed by it and struggling to muster sympathy.

Any idea on how to calm this sort of anxiety? She’s been crying for a week and I leave next week for 3 days. She will be here with her dad and brother.

I was the same. I don’t know why. Once when I was crying hysterically my dad told me that I could go with her, and to go and sit in the car to wait for my mum. I did, he locked the doors and my mum went away in our other car.

For some reason this has stayed with me. But I get that I was probably being annoyingly anxious, it’s not something I would dream on doing to my own children. And not lie like op either tbh.

It does sound like quite extreme anxiety. Have you thought about/are you taking her to see a psychologist?

My youngest is 4 but I’m getting the vibe that this is the loveable alien I am
going to get in the future too. I’ve read all your responses but not everything that people have said to you.
If it’s not incompatible with the future surgery perhaps wine and earplugs? Best of luck with it x

This is spot on.

If telling her that you're having surgery will cripple her with fear you need to address that, rather than lie to her to avoid the hard parenting.

You are sweeping very real issues under the carpet, and they won't stay there forever.

Does her brother bully her?

I’m shocked that you think there is a good enough reason to lie to a 10 year old about having surgery. It comes across like you just don’t want to be inconvenienced by her reaction, so you’d rather avoid that all together.

She is going to find out about the surgery. Imagine the hurt and betrayal. She is not a baby that you can distract with a new toy or a treat.

At 10, things like this really shape your view of trust. And you should be able to trust your own mother always.

Anyway, I hope the surgery goes well and she cheers up a little for you.

I say this as someone who works with children with anxiety. Constant reassurance makes it worse. Explain to her what will happen when you leave when you are back who will take care of her. Write it down if that helps. Then gently refuse to discuss any further and refer her to what you have written. Of course if she has any reason to worry about her Dad looking after her then that is completely different.

Probably something every single mother has experienced with a daughter - but never widely spoken about. They ALL get tearful towards the end of Junior School. All of them. I've had three daughters. None of them especially tearful. But every time. Around the age of ten. (Not at the point of starting Secondary school or something stressful). But the final year of Junior School. And it doesn't seem to be related to the realisation of leaving school. It's way before then. So many mothers have spoken to me about their concerns for their daughters suddenly becoming weepy and "fragile". But the girls all get weepy at that age. They cry for no reason and every reason. Hormones! I don't really know what it is. You give them a hug and reassure them. And carry on as normal. It's just a phase. They all seem to go through it. And come out the other side. But mum guilt! They are genuinely fragile. Hug them. Love them. Reassure them. Believe in them. They will come through this stage.

It sounds like separation anxiety, I would ask her what worries her about, been at home with out you? Then try and problem solve her worries. My son has anxiety as a default setting, even a simple shopping trip to town, could be a anxiety nightmare. First, it's the bus ride to town, how he sees it, the bus could crash and hurt everyone on board. To you and me that sounds far fetched, but that is how he sees it.
So what she says might seem far fetched to you, but it isn't to her, I would definitely tell her, you could do a video call, do you have a bedtime routine, like reading her a story? If you do, I would stick to it, so read her a story either on video call or over the phone.

Haven't RTFT and I'm not sure of all the context here - but for what it's worth....

I went away for a weekend when my DTs were 6 or 7. No worries beforehand but when they and DH saw me and my friend off at the train station DD suddenly burst into hysterical tears! DS then joined her. Dh and and I were gobsmacked - but assumed they were just behaving as they felt they ought to (I hadn't really left them before) and it was what they felt was 'appropriate behaviour' rather than genuine concern.

DH said they cried all the way home and refused to be consoled for ages. Then once everything was settled, I rang a few hours later and DH said they started it all again.......

Honestly - they are the least fazed kids about anything - but I think maybe they were just exploring how they felt they ought to react? Might your DD be doing the same if you haven't left her before?

If so - then I shouldn't worry too much.

(Obviously if she has other types of anxiety etc then you may need a different approach, but ultimately she will need to experience separation, so this may be a good - if tricky - opportunity......)?

Good luck!

Maybe dh needs to learn that keeping a strict house where he is into her for room is less important than his dd absolutely crying her heart out for fear of being left with him.
How embarrassing for him and how devastating.