10 year old won’t stop crying

[Mimikyuu]

My 10 year old won’t stop crying because I’m going away for a few days. It’s gotten to a point now where I’m just annoyed by it and struggling to muster sympathy.

Any idea on how to calm this sort of anxiety? She’s been crying for a week and I leave next week for 3 days. She will be here with her dad and brother.

Fucking hell some of you are nuts 🤣

Even if I was going away for work, that’s still me going because I HAVE to not because I WANT to.

She’s a sensitive kid and needs some help managing her anxiety which is fine. It’s new territory for me as I was not a sensitive child and neither were my siblings so she’s like a little alien to me. A little alien who I live very much and funnily enough, know a lot better than strangers on the internet! Thinking I’m having surgery will absolutely cripple her with fear. I am not going to tell her, she thinks I’m going away for work and I’m trying to help her cope with that as best I can but I understandably am getting tired of the constant crying.

It sounds more than her being sensitive tbh more like terrible anxiety. I would be keeping an open mind as to why she is so terribly afraid of you leaving her with her dad & brother, I wouldn’t be so dismissive of that. The level of her distress is not normal she’s either a significant anxiety problem which needs address or a legitimate fear of something you don’t see. 10 days of crying is not just being a bit ‘sensitive’ is it. Personally I’m not sure I could leave her until I’d got to the bottom of it though I do appreciate you have your own needs and life to live.

It's a few days@Howbizarre22

But not telling her is crippling her with fear because she senses something is going on that she doesn’t know about. She needs to trust that you are the person she can trust to tell the truth and that you will be honest with her. Not telling her will ultimately be worst.

show her the princess of wales, explain it is not serious because at the moment she is not where she needs to be.

@Howbizarre22 it is likely her fear is because what she is being td doesn’t fit with what she knows, that she realises something isn’t right and that they are hiding things from her and she is scared of what that is.

Thinking I’m having surgery will absolutely cripple her with fear. I am not going to tell her, she thinks I’m going away for work and I’m trying to help her cope with that as best I can but I understandably am getting tired of the constant crying.

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/anxiety/
https://www.rileychildrens.org/connections/older-kids-and-separation-anxiety-how-it-happens-and-what-to-do

^^Would this be any help.

A weeks crying is extreme - you could try low level anxiety helping stuff - breathing apps - rescue remedy stuff- fidget toys - but at 10 I'd have though calm matter of fact with a few distractions thrown in and asking her Dad to run interference when your understandable frustration with her gets too much.

So you’re gonna ruin your relationship with your child by constantly lying to her about important things because she’ll be upset. Even though she’s already upset.
at the moment she’s 10 but this will come out and it will stay with her, she will always remember you lied to her.

Thinking I’m having surgery will absolutely cripple her with fear. I am not going to tell her

Can you 100% guarantee she's never going to find out about this? Nobody is going to accidentally mention it in conversation? She's not going to find any letters or paperwork or medication related to your recovery?

What happens if you have to stay in hospital longer than planned, or the surgery goes wrong and DH needs to come in and see you?

Some people really seem to think this!

can you imagine how people would react if op said she was going away on a hen do or something like that!

I’m sorry OP but your being completely unreasonable, telling your child lies will not help with sensitivity or fears.. or even anxiety. If anything your going to cause her trust issues and problems more so if the one person she’s supposed to be able to count on and rely on is lying to her when serious situations crop up.

what if your sore after surgery? What if something goes wrong (not trying to scare you) and you have to stay in longer than a week? I was told I would be in hospital for a week when I was put down for surgery (NHS) and ended up being in there for nearly two weeks!? Can you trust you’ll definitely be home when you’ve said to her you will be?

it’s ok for you to say “some of us are nuts” you came on here asking for opinions and how best to deal with it.. you can’t expect everyone to agree with how you do things.

you should never lie to your children, is something was to happen or if she finds out that it was a lie, the trust will be broken. You may think that is insane and “not going to happen” but it does happen, my stepdaughter doesn’t get along well with her mum now and she’s 11 because of her mum telling her “white lies” so she wouldn’t get anxious etc.. she also didn’t like being away from her mum naturally, now she doesn’t trust a word she says.. quite sad really.

tell her about the surgery and be honest, suggest she come and visit you in hospital so she can see that your ok? FaceTime her and speak to her etc.. she is clearly worried and anxious, you lying to her will make this worse.

some of you are nuts

Fine, crack on and lie to your daughter, and she’ll never trust you again. It’s not us who are nuts.

Op, you are being shortsighted and hardhearted.

This. The majority of us are sensible. We can see you're storing up problems and dismissing your daughter. If she was younger not telling about the surgery would make sense but categorically not at 10 !

I agree inbetween some posts I do agree are nuts is a clear theme that telling the truth is the only way forward.

if she does have a fear of you going into surgery (and perhaps like a PP dying) it is something you can do something about, inform the school they should have help there to talk through her fears about it etc. they can have support in place. They can help.

if as I suspect the constant crying at the moment is because she knows something is off telling the truth again will help with a promise you always will.

anxious children need an anchor, someone they can trust to always tell them the truth. A hard part is getting them to understand you don’t always have the answers and you cannot always reassure them and sometimes things such as this surgery have to happen that will cause them to feel anxious and scared. But you won’t lie to them or sugar coat things too much but be there for them is vital

Thinking I’m having surgery will absolutely cripple her with fear.

Nonsense.

You should be helping her deal with the realties of life, not hiding the truth.

I can't put this any other way but you are avoiding being a sensible parent.
It's your responsibility to help your child deal with life and all it brings.
If that is a parent having an op, you need to talk that through with her.

If you carry on 'giving in' to her behaviour and finding lies as the way to calm her down, where does that stop?

You're perpetuating her anxiety by not discussing what is going on.

If she's so upset at you going away for a few days, there's a lot that needs dealing with and you need to talk to her to understand why she's so upset.

She doesn’t sound “sensitive”, she sounds spoiled and manipulative. By your own admission she doesn’t like you going away as her dad runs a tighter ship and will make sure she cleans her room etc. it sounds like you pander to her a lot. 10 is far too old for his behaviour. Each time she cries I’d sharply tell her to stop being silly and cut her off. Don’t give her behaviour any weight.

At 10, I think she needs the truth. I wonder if her being sensitive is a vicious cycle, where you try to protect her, but it just fuels the sensitivity?

Consider telling her.

Hope the surgery goes well.

Firstly you have to be straight with her about why you are going away.
Secondly it will be a good opportunity for her to uild a closer relationship with her dad.

*You should be helping her deal with the realties of life, not hiding the truth.

I can't put this any other way but you are avoiding being a sensible parent.
It's your responsibility to help your child deal with life and all it brings.
If that is a parent having an op, you need to talk that through with her.

If you carry on 'giving in' to her behaviour and finding lies as the way to calm her down, where does that stop?

You're perpetuating her anxiety by not discussing what is going on.*

spot on. You are putting your needs in front of your DD's

"It’s new territory for me as I was not a sensitive child and neither were my siblings so she’s like a little alien to me. A little alien who I live very much and funnily enough, know a lot better than strangers on the internet!"

So why did you ask our advice then?

And I thought my mother was horrible and insensitive!!!

My daughter did this last year when i went to the spa for the night. Jealousy that's all. She wants you to take her so she can take snaps and show her friends.

What are you on? Are you sure you’ve commented on the right thread?

Something may be going on. Talk to her. Is it you going or the being left with 2 males?

I haven’t read all the thread, but have read all op’s posts. Sorry to hear you are getting hassle from some MNers!

of I was you I would set up two events for your daughter:

1. something specific she will do with her dad & bro when you are away (thinking pizza & a film or something)
2. something you & her will do when you’re back that Dad & bro aren’t involved in (cinema? museum visit?)

I obviously don’t know what kind of things she’s into or how limited you will be after your surgery, but giving her something to look forward to when you are away & when you are back would be the only thing I could think of that might reduce her anxiety.

Might not help for this situation but moving forward I found a booked called Helping your child with Fears and Worries really useful for my daughter who had separation anxiety.

The book is really good at giving examples. It is based on really small steps built up over a period of time to reassure and build up resilience and then reward and recognise progress.

My daughter is autistic and it really helped me be able to eventually not have to sit with her until she fell asleep at night and also start to go out without her.

Hope it helps x