10 year old won’t stop crying

[Mimikyuu]

My 10 year old won’t stop crying because I’m going away for a few days. It’s gotten to a point now where I’m just annoyed by it and struggling to muster sympathy.

Any idea on how to calm this sort of anxiety? She’s been crying for a week and I leave next week for 3 days. She will be here with her dad and brother.

Also a phone call every day.

My mum and dad went to Spain for 3 nights when I was around that age. I stayed with my grandmother but in my own house. I cried for a week before they left and until they got back. It was simply because I was a home bird who loved her parents so much that I couldn’t stand the thought of being away from them!

Don’t worry. She’ll grow out of it. She just loves you.

10 is a high-drama age with girls but this sounds extreme!

Tell her about the surgery and start thinking/discussing with DH how you both can build DD's resilience and help her to be less anxious. It sounds like you might baby her a bit? Good luck with the operation, anyway

10-12 years old is a big time for loads of crying in my experience - both boys and girls. Give her plenty of reassurance and tell her it's fine to be sad. It will pass x

Perhaps dh should make an effort to reassure her that it’s going to be ok. Perhaps he can be less “strict” while you are away - what do you mean by strict anyway? Does he scare her or something.(I am not saying that he’s awful or anything).

I think I would have told her about going to hospital because that is something you can’t do anything about and surely she has to learn that can happen in life.

I was wondering this.

I understand you're trying to protect DD by not telling her about surgery but when you get home, surely it's going to be obvious that you've had surgery because you'll still be healing and very sore?

Once she finds out you've withheld the truth, she's going to be even more anxious every time you go away because she'll think that something else terrible is happening that you haven't told her about.

Can you not just tell her the day before? That way she won't have a full week of worrying about the surgery, but she'll still know.

I've got two autistic DC (14 yr old twins) who HATE me going out. Even shopping. DS starts panicking that I've died if I'm gone more than an hour or two. Not even joking. So I completely understand how difficult it is with anxious DC. But I know that if my DC found out that I'd had surgery, they'd be panicking even more every time I left the house in the future. Might be worth her worrying a tiny bit more now than to create more problems going forward.

Also, it sounds more like an anxious personality more than just the fact her dad is stricter. You say she'll be even worse if she knows you're having surgery so that suggests anxiety rather than just not wanting to clean up her room. Have you looked into child meditation or child yoga? It's never too soon to try to start tackling generalised anxiety, and might stop it getting worse as she hits her teens. Just a thought.

Good luck for the surgery, hope it goes well.

I do think the lying is a big mistake, tbh. Like some other PP, I can't help feeling that part of what is upsetting her so extremely (and this is extreme - I'm not at all saying the poor child is 'wrong' to be feeling it, but, absent other, serious reasons - which I would always check for - it is extreme) might be a sense of not being levelled with. In lying to her, you are being avoidant - on her behalf, yes, but also on your own.

If this were me, where you are now, I would come clean with her. Explain you thought she might worry less if you told her a lie but you see you were wrong. Explain the surgery and the timeline of your recovery. Ask her if she can tell you exactly what is worrying her so much about you being away (this is the point at which to check for something else going on - no leading questions but an absolutely safe space for her to share whatever she needs). If it's as simple as the fact she'll miss you, tell her it will be sad at times, and you'll miss her too, but the days will be over soon and she'll have Dad/brother/a cuddle with the cat/whatever to comfort her. Dad would be being asked to ease up on the strictness about things that don't really matter (room tidiness, in this situation) and there'd be something quite out of the ordinary in the evenings - takeaway dinner, more screen time, whatever, obv without impacting commitments like school.

The other thing is that work presumably hasn’t taken you away before either for a few days so there is the anxiety there that it can happen again.

can she visit you in hospital at all as well to ease the anxiety

OP, the day you became a mother is the day you agreed to never do anything for yourself ever again. Especially surgery. Also, you have a DH problem - he’s a sexual predator. LTB.

Try co-sleeping.

I hope you don’t drive an SUV.

And right now, of course - if princesses hold any currency with her, or if she's interested in the royals or famous people - you can tell her that the Princess of Wales is away from her three children because of surgery, as well. That might help her to see it as an experience many children, no matter what their walk of life, have to go through at some point.

Why can’t you say you’re having surgery? Surely you’ll need r and r when you come home etc and she’ll ask what’s going in. Maybe she overheard a conversation about it and that’s why she’s upset.
I would talk to her and say you need an operation, but it will be fine, you’ll be asleep for it and she can visit you (if true), then you can plan something for when you’re better.
Yes, children don’t need to know all your medical issues if it doesn’t affect them, but you can’t really hide having had an operation.

You need to be honest with her OP and tell her the real reason. She might have overheard you talking about it and is worrying about why you’re not telling her and has built it up in her mind as being really serious. She’s probably worried that you’re going to die and you can’t tell her.

10 years old is definitely old enough to know the truth about what’s going on. Talk to her honestly and reassure her. If she finds out the truth a different way she’s never going to trust you again.

I agree! think it's a good idea not to tell the child about the surgery beforehand; tell her afterwards and tell her you didn't want her to worry that's why you kept quiet. Children don't always need to know the full truth if they're going to be frightened or upset by it (It only dawned on me many years later that my cat Smokey with chronic uncontrollable diarrhea didn't actually go to live on a farm!)

My mum also did this with me after finding a lump in her breast. She had it checked out, tested etc. and found to be a harmless cyst before even mentioning it to me.
I was 30 at the time!

This doesn't make any sense? What are you planning to do post-surgery? I very much doubt that you will be staying in until your are fully recovered, you're going to need time to recover at home as well.

As far as she is concerned (if she truly hasn't figured anything out) is you'll be going to work and coming back ill/injured. (Surgery to me implies anaesthetic which can take a while to recover from, plus wounds) That will freak her out more than telling her the truth. She will never know when you say you're going to work if you will come back ok.

If you lie to her over something as important as this, you're destabilising the one thing she relies on - that she can trust you.

I think have a chat with her about her fears and anxiety and find ways to comfort her on each one. Also, buy a couple of friendship bracelets and it'll give her direct connection to you whilst you're away. It's a special thing for just the two of you.

I think it might also depend on how Op was after her csection & what her daughter's memories of her recovering from that are.

What will you tell her if the surgery is cancelled last minute - as is often the case.

A constantly sniveling child is hardly what you need as you prepare for an operation. You need to be firm. But also truthful. Why does she need shielding? If the surgery is serious it will be obvious, and if it’s routine she needs to grow up! She isn’t a toddler. Ok hospitals and doctors are scary but she will be well looked after by her dad and it’s really unfair that she is the centre of attention when you should be preparing for your op and not worrying about her.

I think maybe to gently tell her why you are going away? At 10 she is probably worried, and will know something is happening .She will understand you have to go and will be back,that will reassure her

Jesus Christ some people on here are so weird.

OP shouldn't lie to her daughter? Of course she should. Kids absolutely don't need to know everything that goes on in adults lives.

And as for those saying she shouldn't go, I feel sorry for you. Imagine not being able to go anywhere or do anything without the permission of a 10 year old because she will throw a tantrum.

Would you like me to turn my heating and water off too because some children don't have access to these things?

Yes, because that's exactly the same

What happens if, heaven forbid, something goes wrong with the operation and OP is away longer than planned? The DD will know she's been lied to and it will have pretty huge consequences down the line.

Maybe that's the answer then.

Start being more strict.

It would annoy me too OP. My eldest was very clingy from birth until he was about 12.

My daughter is 5 and a half. I went to London for a work related trip from Spain. Knowing my daughter I only told her a few days before I left, she was a bit shocked actually. We talked about it at bedtime and I told her what to expect, that we would do videocalls, like we do with granny, that I would bring her a London souvenir. We counted the sleeps I would be away for and what day i would come back. Even though she is so young, she is one of the deep thinkers, I think talking about it and telling me her worries helped her. I was very sick when my mum had to go to have an op when I was 6, it was anxiety. My brother was fine. I think you need to quit the lying and be straight with her. She probably "feels" you are keeping something from her and you are going to die. Kids are very black and white.

Will your DH be coming to the hospital during visiting times? How will he explain to an already clingy child where he is going? And who will look after her at visiting times?

I'd sit he'd down and gently explain about the operation. If you've previous for disappearing then having operations it will cause anxiety when you leave, she'll constantly be thinking are you okay or are you actually having a medical procedure done.

She's 10, try honesty.