10 year old won’t stop crying

[Mimikyuu]

My 10 year old won’t stop crying because I’m going away for a few days. It’s gotten to a point now where I’m just annoyed by it and struggling to muster sympathy.

Any idea on how to calm this sort of anxiety? She’s been crying for a week and I leave next week for 3 days. She will be here with her dad and brother.

That's an extreme reaction from a 10 year old. Have you never left her before for nights away?

Definitely stop lying to her and have a talk with her about the truth. It's entirely possible she has picked up what's happening that feels unable to speak to you about it because you are lying about it.

Stop lying to her.

She's probably picked up that something is wrong and nobody is telling her the truth.

Explain in age appropriate language that you need the surgery, and what the benefits will be.

Please reassure her, don’t just ignore her or let her see your frustration. I went through a phase of being very upset when my mum went away (don’t know why now but maybe I did at the time, I wasn’t being abused) but not as extreme as this. I remember how gut-wrenched and anxious I felt about it, so to be crying a week in advance must be so hard for your daughter to deal with, she’s still only young. If you are not a very warm family perhaps someone like a teacher could talk to her about it as she might need help to verbalise what she’s feeling/afraid of

If my 10 year old acted like that I'd be really concerned as to the real reason why.

Is it possible your daughter figured it out and thinks you are lying because it's a really risky surgery and she's rounded it up to you possibly dying? She may be catastrophising because she's worried about you and worried about what might happen to her. Please consider being honest with her and work on a plan on how she'll manage her anxiety.

Fgs tell her the truth!

@0nceMoreUntoTheBreach do you think the OP could have surgery at home?

@Mimikyuu had she ever done sleepovers with friends, school residentials, camps?

I have know kids like this, I don't pander to them but involve them in positive ways as I posted a few posts back.

So sorry you experienced this 😞

My dd went through a phase like this.

In our case it literally was just a really clingy phase. And it exasperated me after a while too.

She'll be fine once you're gone, just take some deep breaths and reassure as best you can. Wine helps 😁.

who are they being left with while you are away?????

I think she has probably picked up that you are NOT going away for work, and has overheard the word hospital. 10 year olds have active imaginations, she probably thinks you are going to hospital because you have a terminal disease which is so dreadful you can’t even talk to her about it. no wonder she is tearful and anxious.

Please be honest with her, how will she ever learn to cope with fears if she she doesn’t even know what the fears are? Explain to her why you are going and what will happen ( in child friendly words). The fear of the unknown is the worst fear to have.

@Mimikyuu

Your daughter seems to have an insecure attachment to you. I think you need to ask yourself why that might be, and that the answer lies in her early childhood.

Did you struggle with her when she was an infant? Are you generally dismissive of her feelings “Mum knows best / Do as you are told”? Was she displaced by a younger sibling? Did Dad fail to step in and pick up the slack?

I would also encourage telling her the truth. She probably has picked up on a certain amount and is possibly catastrophising with the bits of information she has, mixed with the untruthful explanation she's getting.

It's so hard when you instinctively want to protect children, but sometimes we need to trust them a bit, hand them the truth (gently and appropriately obv), and be there for questions and support if they need it.

Tell her the truth, let her see you smiling and confident about what's going to happen, and lean into the things she can do while you're away that you're looking forward to seeing/hearing about/eating/playing/etc when you're back.

Good luck OP!

If you read OPs very first post you will see she will be at home with her dad and her brother.

But, if you don't tell her, she WILL find out at some point.
Then she is going to be even more anxious when you go anywhere, as she will always figure you are lying to her.

Lying to a child about something important, like surgery, never, ever, ends well and is damaging to the child, as how can they believe the adults who are supposed to love and care for them, if they lie? And worse, punish them when/if they tell a lie?

Telling the truth is never wrong.

You must feel really silly now with that comment!

You knew no details and co e out with that!

I think I can see why your mother and sister don't respond!

So, now you know the updates

How can it simple be resolved, none of your options are available?

Away three days for surgery that isn’t of a nature where your husband would visit you but is significant enough that a child might be scared of it? I think you should just be honest with her, she’s old enough that it might help and the secrecy is upsetting her. However, if this is swanning off to Turkey to get a bum or false teeth or something my symphony is limited.

Why does she have a husband or son problem?OP has stated previously she can't stay elsewhere!

Bizarre you don't tell your child the truth but hey each to there own..mine would be more upset if they found I had lied

OP has explained why.

From her perspective, assuming she hasn't cottoned on to the surgery, she's seeing you prioritise work over her.

Surely telling her it's a necessary operation to help you to remain healthy, will afford her a lot more comfort than you prioritising work over her?

Combining that honesty with then allowing her to visit you asap after surgery will go a long way to a) calming her anxiety, and b) maintaining her trust in her parents.