10 year old won’t stop crying

[Mimikyuu]

My 10 year old won’t stop crying because I’m going away for a few days. It’s gotten to a point now where I’m just annoyed by it and struggling to muster sympathy.

Any idea on how to calm this sort of anxiety? She’s been crying for a week and I leave next week for 3 days. She will be here with her dad and brother.

@PiersPlowman11 She did plenty for us growing up, especially considering she was on her own. But there was balance. She went out alone, we went out together, we travelled alone, we travelled together. It made us all very independent.

Personally I would tell her about the surgery, I can't see why you wouldn't.

I understand that separation anxiety could cause this, but that's different to thinking that she doesn't want to stay with her dad because he's a bit stricter.
You come across here as irritated by her behaviour. Try and take a step back and realise that while it's normal to often find things other people do annoying, it isn't helpful in solving deeper issues to just quickly dismiss them as something else. They will just be pushed under the surface and re-emerge as something else undesirable .

@MrsHughesPinny
Latchkey kids were certainly a thing when I was growing up, and while I was one myself and enjoyed my freedom, I feel on reflection what the term really meant was “negligent parenting”.

So many parents didn’t give a fig what we did as long as we stayed out of their hair and didn’t bring trouble to the home.

I sometimes wish I had parents instead of sharing my childhood with two adults.

But I digress…

@PiersPlowman11 I think parenting was just really different in the 80s (when I was growing up). Parents weren’t really expected to interact with kids as intensively as they are now or consider their opinions. None of my friends’ parents did either, even if they had a SAHM, we were always in and out of various houses. Parents were ‘in charge’ and we did as we were told, I suppose, but then also had a lot more freedom to grow in confidence.

Obviously there were truly neglectful parents and I’m sorry if you experienced that.

I’ve always been thankful for my Mum forcing me to do things independently because I was really shy as a kid. If she hadn’t forced it there’s no way I’d have moved to Singapore for a job with a two year old which kickstarted the career I have now! 😂

Honestly I think you have to go back to basics and not give this a lot of response. If she gets a lot of attention for this she"ll keep doing it.

Acknowledge the feelings but don't validate them - its not a reasonable reaction for a 10 year old to cry constantly about 3 days with dad while mums away, and there is nothing for her to worry about.

Just be brisk and cheery, ask her what she wants for food while your away and tell her dad will get it in. When i go away i always tell the kids to look after Dad and make sure he behaves, they find this hilarious.

It’s the build up to it, she will be fine when you are gone. I’m sorry I’m not more help but maybe leave her looking after something you really value (so she will know you will be coming back) and make plans for calling her every night.
Also tell her you will bring her something back.
Its wearing alright but I think it’s building up to it causes the stress and once you are gone, it will stop.

all the best with the operation

Latchkey kids were certainly a thing when I was growing up, and while I was one myself and enjoyed my freedom, I feel on reflection what the term really meant was “negligent parenting”.

It depends on age! Age appropriate levels of independence are a good thing. You should be able to leave a 10 or 11 year old at home to pop out for half an hour, for example. You should be able to pop away for work for a few days and leave a 10 year old with dad - they should be busy with school and friends and hobbies and not clinging to mum.

In all honesty I really would tell her what’s going on. In the unlikely event of complications/needing to stay in longer she will feel very betrayed that she wasn’t told.

I agree latchkey was really a phrase for children that were left to their own devices, and whilst independence should be encouraged- basic parenting and nurturing should continue and often doesn’t for these children.

@Futb0l

Well, in my case from the age of five I was expected to walk the 3/4 mile to and from school myself. In the mornings, mum was taking care of baby sis and in the afternoon, she was with friends.

At the weekend, whenever the weather was fine I was expected to play outside and not return until mealtimes. Dad had his hobbies and mum had her friends. We did go out together and have holidays, but their parenting was so inconsistent.

As for how the parenting affected sis and me, I had recurring nightmares, sucked my thumb until I was 12 and my sister developed bulimia. Both of us had our confidence shattered.

No way would I recommend latchkey parenting!

I have a 9(almost 10) yo DD who is also very clingy, and she also gets fussy/upset if I going away/out (although it is getting less as she gets older). I know how draining it can be to manage the whole thing (all done with love of course!). I had an overnight stay in hospital recently and I did say that’s where I was going (although was very casual about the whole thing, no big deal etc.) and she navigated it better than I expected (thankfully!). I have no magic advice but wanted to lend my voice to the responses who don’t see this as ‘abnormal’ or a sign of abuse - some kids are just like this and you all have to get through together until they’ve grown out of it. My silver bullet is usually to say she can sleep on my side of the bed, always works for us. Good luck at hospital! X

Perhaps I used latchkey improperly then. In my case, it meant walking my two younger siblings to school once I was 8 (siblings 6 and 4) then walking us back at 3:30, letting us in and holding down the fort until she got back at 5:30.

Maybe just extreme Separation anxiety. Poor thing. Please sit down and take the time to talk to her about what her fears are. A week is a long time to cry. Is she uncomfortable with being alone with just dad & brother? Talk to her please

Wow some of the replies here are insane!! I wouldn't tell my children I was going into surgery either - there is no need to cause unnecessary worry for them!

I don't blame you for being at the end of your tether but she is still little and she obviously loves you very much. I would check-in to see if there was anything else going on too, just to be safe.

Could you write her a letter for each day you are away? Or even morning and evening? My parents did that when tbey would go for weekend breaks and it was lovely!

Hope your surgery goes well ❤️

Actually I think @MrsHughesPinny‘s parents advice is spot on. Children that are allowed to think that the world and its wife have to bow to their every wish will have an almighty shock when they grow up and will have difficulty navigating the adult world.

@iLovee in this case though the anxiety and fear of separation means that truth abd trust are vital tools in helping the child through it. Any sense that they aren’t being told what is going on in an age appropriate fashion can cause further damage. The whole point is at the moment they are unnecessarily worrying because they may well feel they aren’t in control or being told the truth

I get what you are saying, but you can't possibly know thats why her daughter is acting the way she is. It's a hell of a jump to make based on a couple of posts the OP has made, for all we know she has discussed the op in the Drs. And it hasn't been mentioned again.

I dont think telling an already distressed 9 year old, "actually mummy was fibbing, she isn't going away for work she's actually going into hospital for an operation", after OP has said she was very anxious about a previous c-section is the way to go personally 🤷‍♀️

Wow some of the replies here are insane!! I wouldn't tell my children I was going into surgery either - there is no need to cause unnecessary worry for them!

At what age would you start being honest with your child, then?

Children much younger than 10 have to deal with much worse than this. I think we do children a disservice by lying and all it does is store up more problems for the future when they inevitably find out anyway.

I think OP it is the thought of her routine being different and you not being around. Children like their comfort zone. Once you are gone I’m sure she will be fine. The best thing is to be no nonsense about it. Say you have no choice but it’s only 3 days and she will be fine with her brother. Good luck with the hospital visit.

Have you sat down and asked her why she is so upset?

Children much younger than 10 have to deal with much worse than this.

What a ridiculous argument. Just because some children have it "much worse" doesn't mean my child does. Would you like me to turn my heating and water off too because some children don't have access to these things?

I would be honest with my children in an age appropriate way depending on their personality.

OP had already told her daughter she is going away for work. If she backtracks now and tells her she's going in for an operation that would cause further, unnecessary distress.

I hope when you get home you will be able to totally hide the fact you’ve had surgery, because when she finds out you’ve lied she’s going to be more upset than missing you because you’ve been away “with work”.

Her behavior sounds like a nightmare if she thinks its work, but no way should you he lying. What if you get a complication? What if she notices you are a bit different coming home. Assuming your surgery isn’t life threatening she needs to put her big girl pants on and learn that medical things happen.

I was like this as a child, I had abandonment issues from being adopted and thought the worst case scenario every time my parents went somewhere without me, car/plane crash, crazed killer, flood, weather etc.. she's probably anxious about your surgery, lots of reassurance and I'm sure your DH and ds will be able to distract her.
Good luck OP

She will probably be fine once you are gone.

Tell her she can text you anytime off dads phone but you’ll be busy so will reply when you get a chance.

I’m sure you’ve already asked her why she’s so upset but just keep reassuring her that she goes to school all day and you go to work all day and it’s never a problem, this is just a little bit longer.

I understand your frustration, it’s the last thing you need especially when going into hospital, but know that it’s just anxiety and she’s not doing it intentionally to annoy you.