10 year old won’t stop crying

[Mimikyuu]

My 10 year old won’t stop crying because I’m going away for a few days. It’s gotten to a point now where I’m just annoyed by it and struggling to muster sympathy.

Any idea on how to calm this sort of anxiety? She’s been crying for a week and I leave next week for 3 days. She will be here with her dad and brother.

I had major surgery when dd was year 5. I couldn’t imagine not telling her. If your dd needs reassurance, perhaps on of her grandparents could come and stay. Tbh if she’s this anxious and staying with GPs is the only sway and would resolve things, I’d let her stay with them and take the time off school. It’s only a few days and her anxiety could have a far greater impact on her schooling long term than a few days missed.

I was thinking the same

Whatever your feelings about this, your dd is just a CHILD. Her brain isn't fully developed.

I'm annoyed at your annoyance at her. You're the adult.

She needs help regulating her emotions, and dealing with difficult situations. Also there may be something weird going on with Father/brother…

I would try to find out why she is this upset. Even if it is because it's just because you're away, how can you reassure her. Don’t lie about your surgery - children aren't stupid. How can you help her navigate her emotions and anxieties?

Consistent reassurance and maybe set times for a phone call? I hope all goes well with the surgery OP. Yes it’s probably worrying her, but she will come to no harm and she has time to adjust and accept it instead of it being an emergency and traumatising her further. Do you have time before
you leave for some 1-1 time, you and DD alone? It’s sweet in a way she’ll miss you so much, she must feel very loved and cared for by you.

Neither do I
You have enough to deal with having surgery, without having to manage your DDs anxiety about it

@0nceMoreUntoTheBreach

yeah you’re right , how dare op go away!! She is a mother she should be home and chained to the kitchen sink 24/7 for the rest of her life!

It's quite possible. Most abuse happens at home. It's not unusual on a forum that people would ask the OP to consider all possible reasons.

@Mimikyuu

You remind me so much of my mum.
My parents never went out, so when they did it was a huge deal for my mum.
I had terrible, awful, severe separation anxiety. I sobbed when I had to go to school, and when they went out for dinner I fell apart.
One night, they went out and I threw a gigantic tizzy - my mum didn’t care. She wouldn’t have let wild horses stop her, but my dad was a soft touch. I was awful - looking back, I couldn’t help it, but also, I wasn’t gonna die either.
They ended up staying home and I’m sure my mum was ready to murder both my dad and me.
That was over 60 years ago and they’re both gone now and I still have a guilty conscience.
But your baby can’t help it just like I couldn’t help it. Maybe in 60 years you’ll both laugh about it. Then again, lol, maybe not.
And now I miss my mum.

I can see why she is so clingy - unless you are very unwell you are being totally unreasonable. She is scared, she has almost certainly picked up on something that isn’t quite right and you are being really quite cold and indifferent towards her - why?
So she is crying, she is very clearly distressed. There are probably reasons for that, trouble at school, feeling uncared for at home, hormones. Your child is feeling extremely vulnerable. It’s sad you don’t have the empathy to comfort her properly.

As someone with generalised anxiety disorder I would say anxiety never improves by avoiding the thing that I’m anxious about. Personally I think you should tell her the truth and say “I came back after my c-section, it was fine and I’ll come back after this too”.

Has she verbalised what she’s worried about, perhaps it would be a good idea to sit down and talk to her about exactly what she’s worried about. Tbh I get the loss of empathy, eventually separation anxiety gets extremely suffocating and exasperating when you are on the receiving end of it but all you can do is reassure.

Wow your child is in distress and you just sound annoyed by it. Compassion is dead!

Stop lying to her.

She's probably picked up that something is wrong and nobody is telling her the truth.

Explain in age appropriate language that you need the surgery, and what the benefits will be.

This! My 11 year old definitely picks up on stuff we think we didn't mention in front of them. She's probably overheard you're going into hospital and as you're not being honest with her it's assuming you won't come out. Sit her down, apologise and have an honest conversation with her.

@DogLover24
Yeah, I reckon the daughter is the eldest and she’s twigged that she’s about to be shunted even further down the pecking order.

Just because a nipper’s needs are more immediate, it doesn’t mean the other kids no longer need Mummy’s affection.

Be kind to your daughter, OP, or you’ll lose her as an adult.

Agree with those saying she senses you're lying to her.

I think it's always better to tell the truth even when the truth is scary (surgery). By not telling her you're actually making it a much bigger deal than it is

I’m sure OP knows her own DD better than strangers on MN in whether she should tell her about the surgery. I think next time maybe give one day notice as it’s clearly distressing. Do you go for nights out etc / time away? Maybe an idea to get her more used to it. Sure she will be ok. I hope you’re surgery goes well OP

Once this is over, you need to do some independence training
That level of clingyness and emotion in the absence of a physical/nd/abuse/school issues, is completely unnecessary

I think this is relatively extreme for a 10 year old who has a good relationship with her Dad and brother

After your op, I think you should organise some counselling for her, to help her learn strategies to cope with fear

Shes 10. She knows perfectly well something isn't right and has probably picked up that you are going to hospital but doesn't understand why and hasn't got the maturity to make sense of this. Just be honest with her. Get a calendar..highlight the days you will be away and explain when you will call/ if she can visit. You are being really unreasonable and you are the parent regardless of medical problems. Have more empathy. You are making her anxiety much more unnecessarily.

I’m not telling her about the surgery. She doesn’t know as there has been no opportunity where it’s been discussed for her to overhear anything.

I know the reason is likely that my husband is a bit stricter than I am and makes her keep on top of her room etc where as I’m a little more lax. That’s why she doesn’t like it when I’m not around.

And I do go out, to the pp who said I reminded her of her mum who never went out. I go out regularly and I also work full time.

You shouldn't be lying to her - it's only going to cause more problems in the future when it happens again and she doesn't know if she can trust you or not.

I was clingy to my mum at that age as well - I got on fine with my dad, it's just he was a bit more strict and I didn't like it

You know your daughter and family best. Separation anxiety is one of those things that has to be handled before it gets suffocating. If you don’t think she’d cope with knowing why, that’s fine. You need to worry about YOU at the moment. She has her other parent looking after her.

My Mum did the same. She always said Kids have to learn their parents are people with needs and wants too and that the world doesn’t revolve around us. We travelled to relatives in Sweden by ourselves twice a year starting at 8, 10 and 12. We were latch key kids, all of us have travelled and lived all over the world, moving for job and educational opportunities and have massively benefited from it.

@MrsHughesPinny

”She always said Kids have to learn their parents are people with needs and wants too and that the world doesn’t revolve around us.”

Tough love, eh? Pity such people don’t apply their own ethos to themselves.

Is it very unusual for you to go away for work? She must be finding it a bit strange. don't understand why you wouldn't tell her you were going to hospital, honestly, if something went wrong and you died she would spend her whole life being confused about it.

Because posters have said they were the same and the y were being abused? Perfectly reasonable suggestion to make.

I think you should tell her about the surgery and explain it all - then she will understand why you need to go away. You cannot shield kids from difficult situations forever and they will never learn resilience.