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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Met up with a male friend

247 replies

Saltandvinegarcrispss · 21/01/2024 15:36

Met up with a male friend/colleague yesterday at his house. He is single, I am not. We are just friends and although my DH has never met him, he's seen our conversations and knows nothing is going on between us. Says he trusts me 100%.

He's unhappy that I went to my friend's house, alone, rather than a public place, like a cafe. 'I trust you but I don't trust him' is the line he used. He gave me a really hard time about it like I'd done something really wrong. If you trust me that much then really it doesn't matter how much you trust him, surely? Because if he tried anything (he won't!) Then I'd just leave and never put myself in that kind of situation again.

I've tried to put myself in his shoes and thought what if he went to a female friend's house and honestly? I trust him so I don't think it would bother me. He meets up with female friends regularly at pubs (but then he only ever meets his male friends at pubs too so for him that's just the norm, whereas I meet all my friends in their homes or mines usually!)

AIBU? Should I only ever meet this friend in public, just because he's a man?

OP posts:
SweetBirdsong · 21/01/2024 15:44

I know some posters - especially the 'cool wives' will disagree, but I am with him 100%. I would not have liked it if my DH met up with some female friend/work colleague socially at HER house. Bit weird and inappropriate IMO. YABU.

ScierraDoll · 21/01/2024 15:47

It's a bit odd to say the least

muddlingthrou · 21/01/2024 15:51

I don't think it's a big deal and I'd be insulted that my DH made it into one. I hate the whole 'I don't trust him' line as it makes me feel like I'm a possession rather than a woman with thoughts and intentions. If that makes me a 'cool wife' then so be it.

Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow · 21/01/2024 15:51

Yeah my DH wouldn’t be happy with that and I wouldn’t be happy if DH done it either. Same sort of thing, trust each other, don’t trust other people. We were at a kids party earlier and I know one of the mums has a crush on him and when I went to the bathroom she was sitting away from him, by the time I came back she was sitting beside him. We were leaving to go and Dh went to get the baby’s car seat on his own and said mum went over to talk to him. Classic thing of I trust him 100% with her but don’t trust her at all. I’m with your hubby on this one.

Original poster
Saltandvinegarcrispss · 21/01/2024 15:53

muddlingthrou · 21/01/2024 15:51

I don't think it's a big deal and I'd be insulted that my DH made it into one. I hate the whole 'I don't trust him' line as it makes me feel like I'm a possession rather than a woman with thoughts and intentions. If that makes me a 'cool wife' then so be it.

Thank you! It's really confusing to me. I can make my own decisions and if you say you trust me then please trust me fully! I am annoyed about it.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/01/2024 15:54

Sorry, I'm with your husband on this one. It's not a good choice.

Hermittrismegistus · 21/01/2024 15:55

I'd be pissed off with him. He either trusts you not to shag your friend or he doesn't.

Midnlghtrain · 21/01/2024 15:56

Depends - my husbands female friends of 25+ years? No problem at all - they're all lovely and they're been friends for yonks. A new female work friend? Not so much ha!

bollys · 21/01/2024 15:58

Again, I'm with your DH on this - sorry!

If my DP met a female colleague at her house, I'd be upset and angry. My DP would also feel the same vice versa. It just seems wildly inappropriate.

Obviously other relationships will have different precedents and boundaries they're comfortable with - unfortunately for you, I think your DH is in the right to feel uncomfortable with this and would expect his boundaries respected.

userzH · 21/01/2024 15:59

I'm also with your husband and I wouldn't like this at all.

You need to consider his feelings in this - whether you agree or not, it's upset him. I hope you can show some empathy towards that.

LusaBatoosa · 21/01/2024 15:59

Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow · 21/01/2024 15:51

Yeah my DH wouldn’t be happy with that and I wouldn’t be happy if DH done it either. Same sort of thing, trust each other, don’t trust other people. We were at a kids party earlier and I know one of the mums has a crush on him and when I went to the bathroom she was sitting away from him, by the time I came back she was sitting beside him. We were leaving to go and Dh went to get the baby’s car seat on his own and said mum went over to talk to him. Classic thing of I trust him 100% with her but don’t trust her at all. I’m with your hubby on this one.

What is it you think will happen, though? If you trust him, it doesn’t matter what she does, she won’t get anywhere.

LusaBatoosa · 21/01/2024 16:00

userzH · 21/01/2024 15:59

I'm also with your husband and I wouldn't like this at all.

You need to consider his feelings in this - whether you agree or not, it's upset him. I hope you can show some empathy towards that.

Does he not need to consider her feelings?

whiteshutters · 21/01/2024 16:01

Did you tell your husband you were going beforehand and if not why not?

OldTinHat · 21/01/2024 16:01

My last xDP (I'm happily single!) hated that I saw a male friend. Hated it. To the point that he accused me of having an affair.

The same xDP was best buddies with his ex wife and also had a female friend who he was always out with. I saw texts over his shoulder from both of them, imo inappropriate texts, but apparently I was having an affair.

I LTB.

ModernMornings · 21/01/2024 16:01

YABVU, if he's not comfortable, upon don't do something like that.

KimberleyClark · 21/01/2024 16:03

I’m with your DH and I also think you need to be careful about this from a work point of view. If it got around your work that you were in the habit of going to his house alone it could be misconstrued.

Original poster
Saltandvinegarcrispss · 21/01/2024 16:03

whiteshutters · 21/01/2024 16:01

Did you tell your husband you were going beforehand and if not why not?

To be honest I told him I was going to see my friend and he was fine with it. It didn't occur to me to tell him exactly where I was actually going because in my mind I don't think it mattered. It was only after I got home he asked 'did you go to his house?' and got annoyed about it!

OP posts:
ThreeTreeHill · 21/01/2024 16:04

It's a difficult one because tbh I wouldn't go round a male colleagues house just us, I don't trust men to not have ulterior motives. So many of my "platonic" male friends have eventually tried it on.

So I guess I would question your judgement and ability to maintain boundaries a bit. But on the other hand ultimately if he actually trusts you then if the friend does have ulterior motives it doesn't matter

catelynjane · 21/01/2024 16:04

I would be pretty pissed off if my DH didn't trust me to make my own decisions about where my friends and I hung out and what we did together.

I have a male friend I often meet up with for a dog walk - we then go back to his house (not mine as I have cats) and have a coffee/cake while the dogs play. We're both in long-term relationships and neither of our partners' have ever had an issue with it. Sometimes our partners' join us, sometimes not - it depends on all our work schedules.

If DH said to me we could have coffee and cake in public but not in his living room, I'd think he was utterly batshit.

HappyMe6 · 21/01/2024 16:05

I’m with your husband on this one

LusaBatoosa · 21/01/2024 16:05

I agree with you and I’d really be drilling into ‘trust you, not him’ with your DH. What does that actually mean? Unless he thinks your friend is liable to assault you, he only needs to trust you. The other party’s intentions are irrelevant.

MN has a really high proportion of rabidly jealous women who insist that the rest of us are ‘cool wives’, though. So, I suspect I know how this thread will go.

Haveallthesongsbeenwritten · 21/01/2024 16:06

I am not a cool wife, i would not have been happy if my husband did this and would not do this myself

mummylove24 · 21/01/2024 16:06

I personally wouldn’t go to visit a male friend alone at home, especially one my DH hasn’t met yet.

Clarinet1 · 21/01/2024 16:07

If your DH trusts you, shouldn’t that mean he trusts you to rebuff any advances that might take place and then not to see the man in private again?

TeabySea · 21/01/2024 16:07

I'm not sure quite how the options work but you should be able to meet a friend at their house or in public. Either your husband trusts you (and friend) or he doesn't.

I have been to my male friend's house before and helped him sort out clothes to go to charity. This involved going into several rooms with him, including the bedroom to get boxes out. My DH had no issue with this. Similarly in the past, DH has visited a female friend in her home, helping her move in.

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