Met up with a male friend

[Saltandvinegarcrispss]

Met up with a male friend/colleague yesterday at his house. He is single, I am not. We are just friends and although my DH has never met him, he's seen our conversations and knows nothing is going on between us. Says he trusts me 100%.

He's unhappy that I went to my friend's house, alone, rather than a public place, like a cafe. 'I trust you but I don't trust him' is the line he used. He gave me a really hard time about it like I'd done something really wrong. If you trust me that much then really it doesn't matter how much you trust him, surely? Because if he tried anything (he won't!) Then I'd just leave and never put myself in that kind of situation again.

I've tried to put myself in his shoes and thought what if he went to a female friend's house and honestly? I trust him so I don't think it would bother me. He meets up with female friends regularly at pubs (but then he only ever meets his male friends at pubs too so for him that's just the norm, whereas I meet all my friends in their homes or mines usually!)

AIBU? Should I only ever meet this friend in public, just because he's a man?

Insecurity is not an attractive quality.

Also, 'cool wife' is such a lazy attempt at an insult.

If someone is going to have an affair, they'll do it regardless of where they meet or spend time with their friends.

I know people who had an affair which occurred 100% at work and during work hours. They never stepped foot in each others' houses or even met up outside the workplace.

If you think that stopping your partner from seeing friends in their home will prevent an affair, then you're being breathtakingly naive IMO.

ultimately in a relationship there will be red lines. if your partner really feels uncomfortable something then you have ask yourself am I OK to compromise or are our values not aligned and we need to discuss how we will move forward.

eg. I have a few very close male friends. I am friends with their whole families including wives. we are out of each others houses and it's normal. they have come over and we have spent time alone on many occasions. but always with the knowledge of partners and if I ever felt their/my partner was uncomfortable with it, it would stop. one of my ex's was uncomfortable with it, so I didn't invite them over when alone when we were together. another ex partner was totally fine so I carried on as normal. I knew my friends' wives were totally fine with it as well. the important thing to me was not hurt anyone's feelings.

@catelynjane

"More likely".

Yep - I know what you said and I completely disagree with you. Location is irrelevant.

I don’t think I’d go to a male friend’s house alone, but I also don’t think DH would ask to see my messages to my male friends- that part seems a bit controlling tbh.

And

"Not everyone sets out to have an affair [but it can still happen if the right circumstances]"

Yeah, I don't agree with that either. Affairs are always a choice.

The way OP is putting it, this was a first time?
Where had meetings taken place before?

Why was his house considered the best place?

Something not being fully explained here...

@catelynjane absolutely they do. I don't disagree with you. But we're not talking about old primary school friends. We're talking about this friendship that the op is referring too

I agree. Going to a friend’s house is perfectly normal, regardless of their sex. It really is like stepping into Victorian times on here sometimes.

As for the whole “don’t trust other people” thing… that really doesn’t stand up. If you trust your partner then it doesn’t matter what other people do. If you don’t trust a friend not to try it on with you, then they’re not much of a friend are they?

Yes, but my point is that the length of the friendship doesn't affect the likelihood of an affair developing.

And, in my opinion, what you’re describing is toxic.

You can really only speak about what is present in your relationship(s) as you haven’t experienced any others. I have a harmonious marriage in which there are no trust issues. It’s really unfortunate that your personal inclinations or past experiences make such a thing unimaginable to you.

@catelynjane · Today 17:31

No, it does not scream ‘controlling abuser’ !!!
I said in a relationship each party to the relationship should try not to do things that could cause mistrust / jealousy…..this would be reasonable behaviour

Give me patience with some of the ridiculous woke nonsense on here!!

I don’t think it’s about trust, I think it’s about having the emotional intelligence to know that having a friend of the opposite sex, especially one who you are close enough to feel comfortable spending time alone with them in their home, is going to test most people.

Just because YOU feel it’s fine, doesn’t mean that it feels just as easy and fine to everyone else. In fact I would argue the majority would not feel comfortable with this.

Boundaries are important for relationships, this is his. It’s not a case of automatically saying he is wrong. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t trust you, it means he is not comfortable with it.

Whats next? “Oh we sleep in the same bed to save money on hotels but we’re just “friends” and if you trust me you should be OK with it?”

“oh he gets changed in front of me but he was just showing me his new jeans, if you trust me you’d be fine with this”…

come on OP.

If you don't trust your partner, you should end the relationship - not expect them to curtail their behaviour to appease you.

Good grief. Do you always run your life based on what strangers (who probably don’t give two hoots) might think about you? Who cares whether Doris at number 55 thinks your mate Steve is your boyfriend/secret lover? You know he isn’t, Steve knows he isn’t, your partner knows he isn’t, everything else is irrelevant.

I couldn’t have a friend of either sex who I couldn’t go to the house of in case one of us became suddenly randy when face with a sofa and kitchen. So you can either make new friends or not and the sex is surely largely irrelevant. I have met and made excellent friends of both sexes since I have been married. I wouldn’t accept that my husband had any right to veto where I meet friends and do deserve trust. I expect that he meets his female friends wherever he wants. If either has an affair then the relationship really wasn’t worth it.

@Hotgirlwinter there are definitely ripple on here that share a bed with their male friends

Getting changed I'm interested in hearing an answer to!

From a different perspective.

It’s not so much about trusting you for me it’s that most bad situations with men are with men that are known to you. Now I’m sure many will disagree and say stop being scared but a male friend I had known for over a decade made a pass at me when DH and I were going through a rough patch. I would have scoffed like many on here, he didn’t force it but it was awful, very upsetting when you think you know someone. Someone who you called the little brother you always wanted for years. Many men are chancers.

People in secure relationships with mutual trust = woke nonsense 🤣🤣🤣

@BlueGrey1 if I was innocent, doing nothing wrong and had no intention of doing anything wrong, then I would not adjust my perfectly reasonable behaviour to enable someone else’s insecurity. Nope. Not for me.

Not the OP but yes, I can honestly say I would.

Everyone saying it's inappropriate, presumably you'd never be in a relationship with someone who was bisexual then?

I can't believe how many people wouldn't like their partner going to the house of someone of the opposite sex. It's sad really. Clearly there's no trust there or wouldn't be an issue. To those who wouldn't like it, can you not control yourselves around the opposite sex so assume your partner can't?