Met up with a male friend

[Saltandvinegarcrispss]

Met up with a male friend/colleague yesterday at his house. He is single, I am not. We are just friends and although my DH has never met him, he's seen our conversations and knows nothing is going on between us. Says he trusts me 100%.

He's unhappy that I went to my friend's house, alone, rather than a public place, like a cafe. 'I trust you but I don't trust him' is the line he used. He gave me a really hard time about it like I'd done something really wrong. If you trust me that much then really it doesn't matter how much you trust him, surely? Because if he tried anything (he won't!) Then I'd just leave and never put myself in that kind of situation again.

I've tried to put myself in his shoes and thought what if he went to a female friend's house and honestly? I trust him so I don't think it would bother me. He meets up with female friends regularly at pubs (but then he only ever meets his male friends at pubs too so for him that's just the norm, whereas I meet all my friends in their homes or mines usually!)

AIBU? Should I only ever meet this friend in public, just because he's a man?

You do realise bi people don’t fancy absolutely every person they cross paths with, similar to how hetero people don’t fancy every single person of the opposite sex?

Some people go round later to their mates house. People can stay late. So...?

You've never got tired or fallen asleep at someone's house before?

Could just say you don't have an answer.

And very depressing this person thinks a close friendship would “test most people”. I’m glad I don’t hang out with the people she knows.

Well, exactly.

Clearly some people on this thread don't have much self-control - falling asleep with their friends on a regular basis and thinking their partners will jump on anyone they happen to be sitting on a sofa with, lol.

You do realise bi people don’t fancy absolutely every person they cross paths with, similar to how hetero people don’t fancy every single person of the opposite sex?

Of course, personally, I'd rather not be with someone who disagrees with me on this topic and I can see a bisexual person having different views to me.

That has genuinely never happened to me.

I either arrange to sleep over in advance or y'know, stay awake and go home, lol.

Clearly some people on this thread don't have much self-control - falling asleep with their friends on a regular basis and thinking their partners will jump on anyone they happen to be sitting on a sofa with, lol.

Ahh, no answer then😂😂

You can't think of any circumstance where someone might feel tired at a friends house, ever? Alright Cinderella, I see some of us are home by 5pm sharp.

You invalidated any arguments by using the term “woke nonsense” but I can assure you, healthy relationships with no trust issues do exist. I’m in one. I know what toxic relationships feel like too, because I’ve had a few of those. My current relationship is blissful and harmonious precisely BECAUSE we live our lives exactly how we want and we trust each other. Neither of us is curtailing our behaviour.

But at some level you don’t trust your DH because unless you think the mum is a rapist nothing is going to happen unless he agrees to it.

and I don’t think someone chatting at a party is the danger anyway. I think the ‘just good friends’ ones are the ones that can sometimes develop into something more.

That’s not to say all ‘just friends’ relationships are affairs waiting to happen

What are you on about now?

I'm perfectly capable of staying up late and driving myself home, or catching a taxi,or arranging a lift. If I couldn't get home for some reason, I wouldn't just get in bed with my mates!

Someone’s sexuality isn’t an indicator of their views and opinions.

My boyfriend and I are BOTH bi and he goes on holiday alone with his GAY male best friend. Cue certain people on this thread’s heads exploding

@catelynjane ah yes, the patronising 'what are you on about' when you understand perfectly.

Look, it's just a simple lighthearted question. I'm genuinely interested in the answer.

You have a relationship where you're fine with going around to anyone's house because you trust your partner. Would yo be ok with them having a snooze in the same bed as a (female?) friend?

Some people really are ok with that, so it's not even a trick question. But I take it, that you're actually not.

I'm a man and I would feel similar to your husband. My wife has a few male friends that she knew before me and we have a few that we both know mutually - she does see these men on occasion alone and that is not a problem.

A work colleague that your husband has not met or knows I think is over-stepping the mark. I believe this is a big difference. If I met a single female work colleague at her house that my wife had not met, she would have me hung drawn and quartered!

Exactly this.

I would assume he is saying that it’s disrespectful to your relationship to put yourself in a position where the possibility of your friend making a pass at you is heightened.

Some people go round later to their mates house. People can stay late. So...?

You've never got tired or fallen asleep at someone's house before?

Yeah, but I trust my friends not to sexually assault me. And it doesn't happen very often

Could just say you don't have an answer.

But I do have an answer 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why is it so beyond the realms of belief that some people fall asleep at a friend's house? I've done so twice, once it was a female friend and second a (gay) male friend. Granted nothing would have happened regardless, but I didn't think it was that strange to just stay if it gets late, then go home in the morning, especially if the weather is awful. Also, I wouldn't feel the need to anything but sleep no matter who it was.

Sleeping doesn't have anything do with sex, you inserted that bit in... why? Only your mind jumped there.

I actually genuinely don't understand, because they're two completely different scenarios to me.

Having a coffee or lunch at someone's house is a normal social activity. It's no different to going to a restaurant or to the cinema or for a walk.

But choosing to get into someone's bed and falling asleep there is an entirely different thing, regardless of their sex. DH wouldn't fall asleep in bed with male friends either!

Also, the point was sharing a bed, not sleeping and being sexually assaulted

He trusts you but not him. I think the thing here is if he trusted you, really trusted you, he would trust your judgement, that you wouldn't be choosing to be friends with someone, or going to someone's house, if there was any hint of anything dodgy whatsoever. Yes it could be a safety issue going somewhere private rather than public...but if this is someone you know well, and there is no alcohol involved, its very unlikely that there would have been no signs and then they suddenly attack you or whatever.

I go to my male friends houses, for coffee, for dinner, to pop in and say hi. My husband is fine with it and sometimes comes, sometimes not. I think it would be different if I was going round to watch a movie with a bottle of wine on a Saturday night as that feels more like a 'date' activity

But choosing to get into someone's bed and falling asleep there is an entirely different thing, regardless of their sex.

@catelynjane ok, that makes sense so fair enough!

So what are you actually asking? Is it OK to sleep over at a friend’s house? Then yes, of course it is!

I genuinely used to think like this. And I still have no issue with my partner going round a female friends house.

But the last four men I've had friendships at work with have come onto me and tried to sleep with me, one when I went round his house. One even ended up stalking me (was an awful experience). I've since become a lot more wary of close male friendships.

I still have lots of male friends, but I have a lot more boundaries than I used to. I don't think there's anything wrong with people having different boundaries for their friendships. I also have the same stricter boundaries for my lesbian friends