Page 10 | Met up with a male friend

Saltandvinegarcrispss · 2024-01-21T15:36:10+00:00

Met up with a male friend/colleague yesterday at his house. He is single, I am not. We are just friends and although my DH has never met him, he's seen our conversations and knows nothing is going on between us. Says he trusts me 100%. He's unhappy that I went to my friend's house, alone, rather than a public place, like a cafe. 'I trust you but I don't trust him' is the line he used. He gave me a really hard time about it like I'd done something really wrong. If you trust me that much then really it doesn't matter how much you trust him, surely? Because if he tried anything (he won't!) Then I'd just leave and never put myself in that kind of situation again. I've tried to put myself in his shoes and thought what if he went to a female friend's house and honestly? I trust him so I don't think it would bother me. He meets up with female friends regularly at pubs (but then he only ever meets his male friends at pubs too so for him that's just the norm, whereas I meet all my friends in their homes or mines usually!) AIBU? Should I only ever meet this friend in public, just because he's a man?

Bature · 21/01/2024 21:00

KimberleyClark · 21/01/2024 20:44

I can’t really. Possibly meeting for coffee out somewhere but not going to their house. Maybe eventually.

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Then that’s fair enough. It’s not a gendered or jealous thing for you, you just have a different attitude towards friendships to some people. That’s fine.

However, if your partner were to have a different attitude to you, insisting that they do things your way would be rather unfair.

Shallana · 21/01/2024 21:11

I don't think it is anything to do with trust, it's about boundaries.

You can trust your partner 100% and it won't stop them cheating on you. Therefore, even if your husband trusts you, he will be cognizant of the factor that affairs and cheating happen, and meeting up with a single male friend alone in his home is much more intimate than meeting up in public in a coffee shop.

I also don't think that m/f friendships are the equal of f/f friendships (in straight couples). In my experience, there is always an underlying tension, the knowledge that feelings could develop. Boundaries are needed to avoid the risk of this happening.

For your husband, this boundary is not meeting up with your friend alone at their house. Other men may be okay with you having a coffee but draw the line at you sharing a bottle of wine and staying over. These are the sort of boundaries that you can feel like a deep unease in your stomach rather thought up in your head.

You probably feel this is ridiculous because you can't contemplate feelings for this friend developing. However, reassurance will not help your husband from feeling any less uncomfortable.

cariadlet · 21/01/2024 21:11

If he trusts you, he shouldn't have a problem if you spend time with a male friend.

Pre-dc, I went on a mini break with a male friend because my dp had gone away for a couple of weeks with some of his friends.
DP knew that there was nothing between us so wasn't bothered.

I would have been cross if he didn't trust me and objected - although a teeny bit of jealousy would have been nice (but I did feel a hypocrite for thinking that).

Avacardo2023 · 21/01/2024 21:25

@Bature no to be honest I can't imagine a scenario where I would be speaking to a single female colleague of six months and arranging to go to her house for a coffee on a Saturday. The only thing I could think of was if I was buying something from her or picking something up, or giving her a lift to a work event maybe.

I would be happy to have lunch with colleagues or maybe a quick drink after work but that's it. But I am in my 40s and weekends are precious and I don't really need or want any more friends.
I would probably have felt differently in my 20s.

LusaBatoosa · 21/01/2024 21:29

Shallana · 21/01/2024 21:11

I don't think it is anything to do with trust, it's about boundaries.

You can trust your partner 100% and it won't stop them cheating on you. Therefore, even if your husband trusts you, he will be cognizant of the factor that affairs and cheating happen, and meeting up with a single male friend alone in his home is much more intimate than meeting up in public in a coffee shop.

I also don't think that m/f friendships are the equal of f/f friendships (in straight couples). In my experience, there is always an underlying tension, the knowledge that feelings could develop. Boundaries are needed to avoid the risk of this happening.

For your husband, this boundary is not meeting up with your friend alone at their house. Other men may be okay with you having a coffee but draw the line at you sharing a bottle of wine and staying over. These are the sort of boundaries that you can feel like a deep unease in your stomach rather thought up in your head.

You probably feel this is ridiculous because you can't contemplate feelings for this friend developing. However, reassurance will not help your husband from feeling any less uncomfortable.

What you’ve just described is a lack of trust, so it has everything to do with it.

Aaron95 · 21/01/2024 22:03

Clarinet1 · 21/01/2024 16:07

If your DH trusts you, shouldn’t that mean he trusts you to rebuff any advances that might take place and then not to see the man in private again?

You would think so but it seems MN is populated by people who spend their entire life in a state of perpetual jealousy.

booksandbrooks · 21/01/2024 22:12

Hotgirlwinter · 21/01/2024 17:44

I don’t think it’s about trust, I think it’s about having the emotional intelligence to know that having a friend of the opposite sex, especially one who you are close enough to feel comfortable spending time alone with them in their home, is going to test most people.

Just because YOU feel it’s fine, doesn’t mean that it feels just as easy and fine to everyone else. In fact I would argue the majority would not feel comfortable with this.

Boundaries are important for relationships, this is his. It’s not a case of automatically saying he is wrong. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t trust you, it means he is not comfortable with it.

Whats next? “Oh we sleep in the same bed to save money on hotels but we’re just “friends” and if you trust me you should be OK with it?”

“oh he gets changed in front of me but he was just showing me his new jeans, if you trust me you’d be fine with this”…

come on OP.

The only way you get from a sofa to a bed that quickly is if it's a sofa bed

I don't think this response is in good faith but it has tickled me.

The bat shittery and general excusing of paranoid / controlling behaviour is truly breath taking.

Ladolcevita233 · 21/01/2024 22:32

"I trust you, it's men/him I don't trust" .... Is a classic controller line.

And the reverse would be true too.

It's nonsensical too - nothing consensual can happen if you don't consent and participate. So if they trust you, then nothing (consensual) would happen, would it?

If something not consensual happens, then that's an assault on you.
Are they going to blame you for that? That would be another red flag.

QuizzlyBears · 21/01/2024 23:08

ModernMornings · 21/01/2024 19:48

Same sex couples can do what they like, as can polyamorous people. Religious people don't wear certain clothes or eat certain things either, I don't care as long as they want to live that way.

The takeaway from this thread is that the DH is not unreasonable in feeling uncomfortable and it's good to have open communication and not just slam dunk your partner by saying you can do what you want.

You sure can, but there's nothing wrong with giving your partner reassurance and listening to them. That's part of trust and having a secure relationship.

And also resolve these differences before getting married 😳

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This might be your takeaway, it is not mine at all.

ModernMornings · 22/01/2024 08:24

Ok, you don't like my perfectly legitimate and sensible takeaway which applies to every owl regardless of their opinion. Thank you for letting me know.

TeabySea · 22/01/2024 09:53

I don’t think it’s about trust, I think it’s about having the emotional intelligence to know that having a friend of the opposite sex, especially one who you are close enough to feel comfortable spending time alone with them in their home, is going to test most people.

Why though? How is it testing? The implication here is that there is a hidden agenda. That as soon as the friends are alone they are going to leap on each other.
I would happily be alone at their home with a female friend. I'm not going to stick my tongue down her throat the minute the front door closes. Why would it be different with a male friend?
It feels as though there is an assumption that there must always be a sexual attraction between men and women*. I can confidently say that if my male friend was the last man on earth I still wouldn't be attracted to him.

*Many years ago I was briefly friends with a guy who expressed a concern about being in the home of a guy who was openly gay. I pointed out that he was assuming the other guy would fancy him, which was a huge reach. Needless to say, the friendship dwindled after that homophobic idiocy.

5128gap · 22/01/2024 10:09

Whether we like it or not, one of the most effective techniques to get away with an affair is the 'just good friends' hiding in plain sight ruse. Obviously you know this doesn't apply to you, but your husband doesn't and can't know this because he has no idea what goes on in the privacy of your mind. While you're meeting in pubs he knows you're not sleeping with your friend. But behind closed doors at the guy's house, he doesn't.
Now, you could get all affronted about that and say he should unconditionally trust you, but as we know, people unconditionally trust all the time, and it affords them no protection from being cheated on. And we all have our comfort zone around how far our trust will stretch.
So, do I think he's wrong? To give you a hard time about something you didn't know would bother him? Yes. To ask you not to do it again? Personally, no. I think we all have the right to ask our partner not to do some things for our peace of mind. They of course have the right to refuse us if they think its unreasonably restrictive. But quite honestly, I don't see the difference it makes to you between chatting in a platonic way in a pub or at his house. So why does it have to be the house?

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/01/2024 10:20

5128gap · 22/01/2024 10:09

Whether we like it or not, one of the most effective techniques to get away with an affair is the 'just good friends' hiding in plain sight ruse. Obviously you know this doesn't apply to you, but your husband doesn't and can't know this because he has no idea what goes on in the privacy of your mind. While you're meeting in pubs he knows you're not sleeping with your friend. But behind closed doors at the guy's house, he doesn't.
Now, you could get all affronted about that and say he should unconditionally trust you, but as we know, people unconditionally trust all the time, and it affords them no protection from being cheated on. And we all have our comfort zone around how far our trust will stretch.
So, do I think he's wrong? To give you a hard time about something you didn't know would bother him? Yes. To ask you not to do it again? Personally, no. I think we all have the right to ask our partner not to do some things for our peace of mind. They of course have the right to refuse us if they think its unreasonably restrictive. But quite honestly, I don't see the difference it makes to you between chatting in a platonic way in a pub or at his house. So why does it have to be the house?

If someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. Pub or house, they will find a way.

I wouldn't take kindly to my husband trying to tell me where I can or can't meet my friend.

Flyhigher · 22/01/2024 10:32

It's not a good idea. It's giving off affair signals.

5128gap · 22/01/2024 10:33

I agree @SouthLondonMum22that cheats will find a way. But cheating is a great deal easier with a cool trusting spouse who is so frightened if being 'controlling' or lacking in trust, they never object to anything a partner ever does.
But this isn't about preventing cheating as much as stating where your boundaries are in terms of trust. And we all have them, just in different places. You might be ok with your husband going to a female friends for coffee. But would you be OK with him having a sleep over there? Sharing her bed on some pretext? Or is there a point when you'd think, hang on, maybe I'm being a little bit too trusting here? The OPs H has set out the point where he feels his trust is being pushed too far, and that's his right. Equally it's the OPs right to decide she wants to go further than his comfort zone and refuse him. If they can't agree, then they have a compatibility issue.

FurballFrenzy · 22/01/2024 10:43

Hmm Depends. DP stops off for coffee occasionally with one of his swimming buddies who is a women if they’ve been to an outing on a Saturday morning but I know her and like her, have spent time socially with her, have zero issues with him or her. I have no problem with this.

Another woman at the swimming club he is friendly with gives both me and him slightly predatory vibes. He wouldn’t see her at her house and I wouldn’t be keen on that. I don’t think it’s black and white.

kisstheblarney · 22/01/2024 10:45

muddlingthrou · 21/01/2024 15:51

I don't think it's a big deal and I'd be insulted that my DH made it into one. I hate the whole 'I don't trust him' line as it makes me feel like I'm a possession rather than a woman with thoughts and intentions. If that makes me a 'cool wife' then so be it.

This

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/01/2024 10:46

5128gap · 22/01/2024 10:33

I agree @SouthLondonMum22that cheats will find a way. But cheating is a great deal easier with a cool trusting spouse who is so frightened if being 'controlling' or lacking in trust, they never object to anything a partner ever does.
But this isn't about preventing cheating as much as stating where your boundaries are in terms of trust. And we all have them, just in different places. You might be ok with your husband going to a female friends for coffee. But would you be OK with him having a sleep over there? Sharing her bed on some pretext? Or is there a point when you'd think, hang on, maybe I'm being a little bit too trusting here? The OPs H has set out the point where he feels his trust is being pushed too far, and that's his right. Equally it's the OPs right to decide she wants to go further than his comfort zone and refuse him. If they can't agree, then they have a compatibility issue.

I agree that it seems to be a compatibility issue. Like I said, I would have a really hard time if this was my husband, it would feel like he was trying to control me.

Especially with the classic ''I trust you but not him''.

kisstheblarney · 22/01/2024 10:51

OldTinHat · 21/01/2024 16:01

My last xDP (I'm happily single!) hated that I saw a male friend. Hated it. To the point that he accused me of having an affair.

The same xDP was best buddies with his ex wife and also had a female friend who he was always out with. I saw texts over his shoulder from both of them, imo inappropriate texts, but apparently I was having an affair.

I LTB.

Because he was judging you by his own poor standards!

imo that's what most people who have issues around other sec friendships do!

hydriotaphia · 22/01/2024 10:51

Personally I wouldn't go to a single male colleague's house on my own to 'meet up'. It's a bit weird, I can't really imagine a reason for it to happen. I'm not sure I or my husband would be bothered, but I just find it a bit of a weird scenario.

KimberleyClark · 22/01/2024 11:40

hydriotaphia · 22/01/2024 10:51

Personally I wouldn't go to a single male colleague's house on my own to 'meet up'. It's a bit weird, I can't really imagine a reason for it to happen. I'm not sure I or my husband would be bothered, but I just find it a bit of a weird scenario.

I agree with you, six months is not a long time to know any work colleague and I’d find it deeply strange being invited alone to a single work colleague’s house. Wouldn’t be as odd if he was inviting a group of work colleagues for a BBQ or something. FWIW I’d feel the same about a female colleague.

gannett · 22/01/2024 12:23

YANBU OP. Your approach and point of view is perfectly normal.

I wouldn't put up with a partner who thought he could dictate who I saw or where I saw them, and the "I trust you but not him" line is just pathetic. Some people seem to think the line between platonic and romantic/sexual is so slippery that it must be guarded vigilantly but in my experience it's extremely easy not to cross it.

I've been in male friends' houses many, many times over the years and nothing out of line has happened. DP has female friends whose houses he goes to sometimes. Neither of us would dream of policing the other. If DP had ever given signs that he had weird irrational jealous feelings about my male friends he wouldn't have become DP.