Met up with a male friend

[Saltandvinegarcrispss]

Met up with a male friend/colleague yesterday at his house. He is single, I am not. We are just friends and although my DH has never met him, he's seen our conversations and knows nothing is going on between us. Says he trusts me 100%.

He's unhappy that I went to my friend's house, alone, rather than a public place, like a cafe. 'I trust you but I don't trust him' is the line he used. He gave me a really hard time about it like I'd done something really wrong. If you trust me that much then really it doesn't matter how much you trust him, surely? Because if he tried anything (he won't!) Then I'd just leave and never put myself in that kind of situation again.

I've tried to put myself in his shoes and thought what if he went to a female friend's house and honestly? I trust him so I don't think it would bother me. He meets up with female friends regularly at pubs (but then he only ever meets his male friends at pubs too so for him that's just the norm, whereas I meet all my friends in their homes or mines usually!)

AIBU? Should I only ever meet this friend in public, just because he's a man?

It's unnecessary. I'm not sure how old the OP is but when you are working and married it seems weird to be making new friends in the form of single male colleagues and visiting them at their home at the weekend. It's creating unnecessary intimacy and could cause issues down the line.

I am definitely in the ‘cool wife’ category by mumsnet standards, but sometimes something can make you feel uncomfortable. I think it is reasonable for your DH to feel a bit uncomfortable about this.

Trust is the bedrock of a relationship and if my partner didn't trust me I wouldn't bother with the relationship. Some of these posters sound like teenagers.

You either trust your partners, or you don’t - and people who don’t often base things on their own experiences, including their own thinking and behaviour. I’d be fine with this - I trust my partner and that means I trust them to leave/handle inappropriate situations and communicate with me openly if they arise.

Has anyone brought up same sex couples yet? Can they have no friends they see alone?

100% this.

It's unnecessary. I'm not sure how old the OP is but when you are working and married it seems weird to be making new friends in the form of single male colleagues and visiting them at their home at the weekend. It's creating unnecessary intimacy and could cause issues down the line.

At what age should you stop making new friends? Or is there something in wedding vows that says once you're married you should no longer seek out new friendships?

For me it depends on the context. Generally I wouldn't be bothered at all if my partner did this and don't find it weird (I also mainly meet friends at their houses rather than out). But if it was a woman I knew fancied him or someone who I didn't trust with good reason e.g. history of going after married men then I wouldn't be impressed because the that person might see it as a green light from him for misbehaviour. That's never come up though, I've always been happy letting DH go where he wants.

Lots of things in life are unnecessary, doesn't mean you shouldn't do them.

Whats next? “Oh we sleep in the same bed to save money on hotels but we’re just “friends” and if you trust me you should be OK with it?”

But that's completely different to going to someone's house for a coffee. I've been to loads of people's houses for a drink over the years, and never have I then found myself sharing a bed with them, even platonically. It's not like one automatically leads to the other!

Same sex couples can do what they like, as can polyamorous people. Religious people don't wear certain clothes or eat certain things either, I don't care as long as they want to live that way.

The takeaway from this thread is that the DH is not unreasonable in feeling uncomfortable and it's good to have open communication and not just slam dunk your partner by saying you can do what you want.

You sure can, but there's nothing wrong with giving your partner reassurance and listening to them. That's part of trust and having a secure relationship.

And also resolve these differences before getting married 😳

It’s definitely not just them.

I’ve made my point pretty comprehensively. As have others. If you don’t get it, you don’t get it. I feel rather sorry for you.

No, I think it’s you being the weird one. If you weren’t inferring something sexual about sharing a bed then what was the point you were making?

It’s never ‘necessary’ to make friends or visit them. People regularly do both of those things, anyway. Nothing strange about it, married or not.

And intimacy is only created when both parties are open to it. If OP isn’t, then it’s not going to happen.

Or…sometimes you just get on with people and want to spend time with them regardless of what’s in their pants? It’s very depressing that some people think being married means you could no longer make new friends, or that emotional intimacy in friendships became off limits. What a tiny and sad little life.

That’s absolutely not the takeaway from the thread at all 😂😂😂😂

@LusaBatoosa

Why

"Or…sometimes you just get on with people and want to spend time with them regardless of what’s in their pants? It’s very depressing that some people think being married means you could no longer make new friends, or that emotional intimacy in friendships became off limits. What a tiny and sad little life"

I work with an equal number of male and female colleagues and get on well with most of them. I would happily eat my lunch with them or go out for a coffee or maybe quick drink after work.

I can't imagine a scenario where I would be speaking to a single male colleague of six months and arranging to go to his house for a coffee on a Saturday.

I've got my own life, DH, friends and family, life admin. Weekends are precious and short and there's not enough time to see everyone as it is. Also my colleagues would certainly think there was more to it, and that would be disrespectful to my DH.

"And intimacy is only created when both parties are open to it. If OP isn’t, then it’s not going to happen."

Going to someone's home at the weekend and spending time with them is creating intimacy. Haven't you ever met someone you weren't attracted to at first but over time when you got to know their personality you found them incredibly attractive? I've known people who had new platonic friends and trust me it only takes a row with your DH and the other man being in the right place at the right time to bring your marriage crashing down. You only have to read the relationship boards to know this.

Just to say I am older and have been married a long time but probably would have agreed with you in my 20s.

Trusting your DH doesn’t mean you have to be happy about other women making advances to him.

I just don't get the need to be honest. Maybe it's because I'm in my 40's and married for a long time so we've established our boundaries and friend circles.

I have many work friends past and new that I socialise with however, I can't remember a time where I've been alone 1-1 in their house other than picking up or dropping off and briefly being in the house. Socialising is usually done at lunch or after work - surely that is the norm especially with someone your other half hasn't met and someone you've only known six months.

Weekends are usually saved for family time or close friends(not someone of 6months that your husband/wife hasn't met!).

However, as someone mentioned the take away of this thread.. I think it's simply that some people believe it's acceptable whilst others don't. I can respect both points of view :)

Can you imagine a scenario where you would be speaking to a single female colleague of six months and arranging to go to her house for a coffee on a Saturday?

I can’t really. Possibly meeting for coffee out somewhere but not going to their house. Maybe eventually.

Did you want me to respond? As you’ve copied and quoted my comment, as opposed to just using the quote function and you haven’t tagged me.

I spend time with a wide range of friends most weekends. We are not ‘creating intimacy’. It’s called friendship.

And I’m attracted to lots of people. As is my husband. There are lots of attractive people in the world. We’re still not going to cheat on each other.

trust me it only takes a row with your DH and the other man being in the right place at the right time to bring your marriage crashing down

If this is the case, you’re either a garbage person or you’re in a shit relationship. It certainly isn’t true for everyone.

Just to say I am older and have been married a long time but probably would have agreed with you in my 20s.

You have no idea how old I am or how long I’ve been married.

If you know he’s going to reject them, why do you care? This is a genuine question, as I don’t get it.