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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Met up with a male friend

247 replies

Saltandvinegarcrispss · 21/01/2024 15:36

Met up with a male friend/colleague yesterday at his house. He is single, I am not. We are just friends and although my DH has never met him, he's seen our conversations and knows nothing is going on between us. Says he trusts me 100%.

He's unhappy that I went to my friend's house, alone, rather than a public place, like a cafe. 'I trust you but I don't trust him' is the line he used. He gave me a really hard time about it like I'd done something really wrong. If you trust me that much then really it doesn't matter how much you trust him, surely? Because if he tried anything (he won't!) Then I'd just leave and never put myself in that kind of situation again.

I've tried to put myself in his shoes and thought what if he went to a female friend's house and honestly? I trust him so I don't think it would bother me. He meets up with female friends regularly at pubs (but then he only ever meets his male friends at pubs too so for him that's just the norm, whereas I meet all my friends in their homes or mines usually!)

AIBU? Should I only ever meet this friend in public, just because he's a man?

OP posts:
catelynjane · 21/01/2024 17:49

Passthepickle · 21/01/2024 17:46

I couldn’t have a friend of either sex who I couldn’t go to the house of in case one of us became suddenly randy when face with a sofa and kitchen. So you can either make new friends or not and the sex is surely largely irrelevant. I have met and made excellent friends of both sexes since I have been married. I wouldn’t accept that my husband had any right to veto where I meet friends and do deserve trust. I expect that he meets his female friends wherever he wants. If either has an affair then the relationship really wasn’t worth it.

Perfectly said.

TedMullins · 21/01/2024 17:50

BlueGrey1 · 21/01/2024 17:01

@NahHumBrag

Yep, if I loved my partner and thought he was an otherwise good DP but had some trust issues, I would avoid doing things like going to other men’s houses alone if I thought it would cause conflict, why do it if it can be avoided, it’s surely not necessary.

This is surely a little thing if he is otherwise a good partner

I would end the relationship personally (and have). Doesn’t matter how many other good qualities they have, someone who thinks they can exert any control over how I conduct my friendships is not, in my book, a good partner.

ModernMornings · 21/01/2024 17:50

catelynjane · 21/01/2024 17:48

Everyone saying it's inappropriate, presumably you'd never be in a relationship with someone who was bisexual then?

No, and this is why we all have different boundaries.

People in bi relationships will have different levels of comfort

Bature · 21/01/2024 17:51

Hotgirlwinter · 21/01/2024 17:44

I don’t think it’s about trust, I think it’s about having the emotional intelligence to know that having a friend of the opposite sex, especially one who you are close enough to feel comfortable spending time alone with them in their home, is going to test most people.

Just because YOU feel it’s fine, doesn’t mean that it feels just as easy and fine to everyone else. In fact I would argue the majority would not feel comfortable with this.

Boundaries are important for relationships, this is his. It’s not a case of automatically saying he is wrong. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t trust you, it means he is not comfortable with it.

Whats next? “Oh we sleep in the same bed to save money on hotels but we’re just “friends” and if you trust me you should be OK with it?”

“oh he gets changed in front of me but he was just showing me his new jeans, if you trust me you’d be fine with this”…

come on OP.

This is such a bizarre argument. You went to a man’s house for coffee, so next you’ll be sleeping in the same bed as him? Some high velocity slippery slope nonsense, there.

Some of you are…not well.

Alicewinn · 21/01/2024 17:51

How reductive to think opposite friendship always has to be sexual. Yawn.....

catelynjane · 21/01/2024 17:51

Whats next? “Oh we sleep in the same bed to save money on hotels but we’re just “friends” and if you trust me you should be OK with it?”

What are you talking about?!

BlueGrey1 · 21/01/2024 17:51

@LusaBatoosa

So you think you could do what ever you wanted and there would never be any trust / jealousy issues in your relationship….. you are delusional

If there are no trust/ jealousy issues in your relationship then both of you are behaving in such a way to not cause these …… so, is that controlling toxic behaviour

There is such a load of rubbish written on here sometimes

FictionalCharacter · 21/01/2024 17:51

Clarinet1 · 21/01/2024 16:07

If your DH trusts you, shouldn’t that mean he trusts you to rebuff any advances that might take place and then not to see the man in private again?

Exactly. “I trust you but I don’t trust him” is ridiculous. If he’s thinking that the two of you will do something sexual, it takes both of you to do it, unless he thinks your friend is a rapist.

Fairylightfurore · 21/01/2024 17:51

Yep I am with your DH on this one. It's weird. I would not be happy if it was the other way around, and no matter how platonic, wouldn't put myself in that position.

ElaineMBenes · 21/01/2024 17:52

I have questions for those who have an issue with this.......

I'm bi-sexual. Does that mean I can't spend time alone with my female friends?

My DH is travelling next week with his female colleague. I have absolutely no issue with this as I completely trust him. Just like he trusts me when I travel with male colleagues.

LusaBatoosa · 21/01/2024 17:52

catelynjane · 21/01/2024 17:48

Everyone saying it's inappropriate, presumably you'd never be in a relationship with someone who was bisexual then?

Bisexuals can have no friends, only prey. Didn’t you know? 🤣

Deathbyfluffy · 21/01/2024 17:53

Saltandvinegarcrispss · 21/01/2024 15:53

Thank you! It's really confusing to me. I can make my own decisions and if you say you trust me then please trust me fully! I am annoyed about it.

Show quote history

Interesting how you cherry picked a reply that aligns with your view, whereas most replies do not.

I’m with your husband here, it’s inappropriate.

ModernMornings · 21/01/2024 17:53

catelynjane · 21/01/2024 17:51

Whats next? “Oh we sleep in the same bed to save money on hotels but we’re just “friends” and if you trust me you should be OK with it?”

What are you talking about?!

Isn't it controlling to not allow/ be happy with this if your partner is on holiday with their friend?

Point being made, is very obvious, that we all have different things we find ok or not.

catelynjane · 21/01/2024 17:54

If there are no trust/ jealousy issues in your relationship then both of you are behaving in such a way to not cause these …… so, is that controlling toxic behaviour

Why would that be controlling or toxic when nobody is telling anyone what they can and can't do?

catelynjane · 21/01/2024 17:55

ModernMornings · 21/01/2024 17:53

Isn't it controlling to not allow/ be happy with this if your partner is on holiday with their friend?

Point being made, is very obvious, that we all have different things we find ok or not.

Show quote history

Do you really not think there's a huge difference between having a coffee at someone's house and sharing a bed with them?

Dweetfidilove · 21/01/2024 17:55

Now you know your husband thinks men are just predators, trying to get a vulnerable woman into his house so he can have his wicked way with her.

Or he just doesn’t trust you as much as he thinks he does.

CoffeeMachineNewbie · 21/01/2024 17:55

My ex used to say that sort of thing. He used to lie to me. Probably also the reason he said you can never trust anyone 100%.

catelynjane · 21/01/2024 17:55

Deathbyfluffy · 21/01/2024 17:53

Interesting how you cherry picked a reply that aligns with your view, whereas most replies do not.

I’m with your husband here, it’s inappropriate.

Show quote history

Actually, the votes are pretty much 50/50.

ModernMornings · 21/01/2024 17:55

ElaineMBenes · 21/01/2024 17:52

I have questions for those who have an issue with this.......

I'm bi-sexual. Does that mean I can't spend time alone with my female friends?

My DH is travelling next week with his female colleague. I have absolutely no issue with this as I completely trust him. Just like he trusts me when I travel with male colleagues.

We're not in a relationship with of, so none of us mind

ElaineMBenes · 21/01/2024 17:57

We're not in a relationship with of, so none of us mind

But clearly people have opinions on this, isn't that the nature of MN?

ModernMornings · 21/01/2024 17:57

Do you really not think there's a huge difference between having a coffee at someone's house and sharing a bed with them?

What's the huge difference in platonic activities? You could very easily fall asleep at a friends house.

Quite controlling to dictate where your partner can sleep if you trust them. It shouldn't matter right?

BobbyBiscuits · 21/01/2024 17:58

I think it seems a bit OTT, as if to say as soon as you enter his home he will be compelled to jump you and you will put up no resistance. It could be that this male friend does like you in a more than just platonic way though. Do you think this might be true, even to an extent? To be honest I would probably agree to meet this person on neutral ground in this particular case. I think if the friend had a partner it would be a different situation. It's not worth making you DH feel like you don't care about his boundaries, in favour of 'needing' to go to this friend's house.

catelynjane · 21/01/2024 17:59

ModernMornings · 21/01/2024 17:57

Do you really not think there's a huge difference between having a coffee at someone's house and sharing a bed with them?

What's the huge difference in platonic activities? You could very easily fall asleep at a friends house.

Quite controlling to dictate where your partner can sleep if you trust them. It shouldn't matter right?

Personally I trust my partner, but I also know he would feel uncomfortable sharing a bed with someone else and would choose not to.

ElaineMBenes · 21/01/2024 17:59

You could very easily fall asleep at a friends house.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I've been at my friends house since 1pm..... I've managed not to fall asleep

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/01/2024 18:00

Does that mean your husband would feel compelled to sexually assault any woman who enters your home when you're not there, then?

After all, it's what he's accusing your friend of.