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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Met up with a male friend

247 replies

Saltandvinegarcrispss · 21/01/2024 15:36

Met up with a male friend/colleague yesterday at his house. He is single, I am not. We are just friends and although my DH has never met him, he's seen our conversations and knows nothing is going on between us. Says he trusts me 100%.

He's unhappy that I went to my friend's house, alone, rather than a public place, like a cafe. 'I trust you but I don't trust him' is the line he used. He gave me a really hard time about it like I'd done something really wrong. If you trust me that much then really it doesn't matter how much you trust him, surely? Because if he tried anything (he won't!) Then I'd just leave and never put myself in that kind of situation again.

I've tried to put myself in his shoes and thought what if he went to a female friend's house and honestly? I trust him so I don't think it would bother me. He meets up with female friends regularly at pubs (but then he only ever meets his male friends at pubs too so for him that's just the norm, whereas I meet all my friends in their homes or mines usually!)

AIBU? Should I only ever meet this friend in public, just because he's a man?

OP posts:
LivingDeadGirlUK · 21/01/2024 17:06

LusaBatoosa · 21/01/2024 16:05

I agree with you and I’d really be drilling into ‘trust you, not him’ with your DH. What does that actually mean? Unless he thinks your friend is liable to assault you, he only needs to trust you. The other party’s intentions are irrelevant.

MN has a really high proportion of rabidly jealous women who insist that the rest of us are ‘cool wives’, though. So, I suspect I know how this thread will go.

I agree with this, have you asked him directly what 'I trust you, but not him' means? Is he saying he thinks your friend is going to try and rape you? How normal does he think it is for men to rape women if they come to their house alone?

laclochette · 21/01/2024 17:08

I'm really surprised by some of the stances here but I guess it's good to know life can still surprise me! I go to male friends' homes all the time to catch up - just as I do female friends'. I much prefer a cosy natter on the sofa with a meal or a bottle of wine to going to the pub or spending loads of money unnecessarily on a restaurant so it's the nicest way to catch up, to me!

Is he generally a suspicious person?

Original poster
Saltandvinegarcrispss · 21/01/2024 17:08

DesignerStars · 21/01/2024 17:02

I think it all comes down to context to be honest. If it's a longstanding friend and you went round in the afternoon for a coffee and a catch-up then it's absolutely fine. If it's a new 'friend' and you went round on a Saturday night to share a bottle of wine then it's a bit weird.

Your message is a bit ambiguous about the longevity of the relationship and the context of the meeting.

Edited

Was in his house for an hour, maybe an hour and a half on Saturday afternoon for a coffee. Have known each other for like 6 months now so not too long but it's not a brand new friendship

OP posts:
Original poster
Saltandvinegarcrispss · 21/01/2024 17:10

laclochette · 21/01/2024 17:08

I'm really surprised by some of the stances here but I guess it's good to know life can still surprise me! I go to male friends' homes all the time to catch up - just as I do female friends'. I much prefer a cosy natter on the sofa with a meal or a bottle of wine to going to the pub or spending loads of money unnecessarily on a restaurant so it's the nicest way to catch up, to me!

Is he generally a suspicious person?

Edited

Exactly this! I just went to have a coffee, sit on his sofa and chat for an hour as I would my female friends! It's no different to me but just because he has a penis apparently it's weird

OP posts:
userzH · 21/01/2024 17:12

If you've known him for 6 months then that's a red flag for your husband. If it's years I could understand more.

But going round to a blokes house who you've known for 6 months is a no from me.

Diamonde · 21/01/2024 17:13

So what's your AIBU, because you seem to have a very fixed view? You don't seem to want to understand your husband's pov or do anything differently.

catelynjane · 21/01/2024 17:13

userzH · 21/01/2024 17:12

If you've known him for 6 months then that's a red flag for your husband. If it's years I could understand more.

But going round to a blokes house who you've known for 6 months is a no from me.

When would it become acceptable? Seven months? A year? Two years?

Knowing someone a long time doesn't mean anything in terms of "safety".

LenaLamont · 21/01/2024 17:15

I go around to my mate’s house for a coffee and a chat. Sometimes he comes here.

We get on better than he and DH do, and it’s usually gardening chats as we’re both mad keen gardeners. DH has never blinked, because it’s fine to have mates.

That said, a very new friendship feels different to long-standing mates.

bostonchamps · 21/01/2024 17:15

Aquamarine1029 · 21/01/2024 16:16

There's another aspect to this situation. If I were you, I would be very concerned about the optics of this seemingly rather new friendship with your work. If your other colleagues find out you went over to his home, alone, it could alter some people's opinion of you and/or your judgement. Rightly or wrongly, it's just not a good look. If your job/career and professional reputation are very important to you, you may want to reconsider going to his home.

I went to my female colleague's house for dinner last week; should I be worried about my professional reputation? I also had a mixed group of colleagues to mine before Christmas. Where does my professional reputation stand on that?

Wearing my cool wife badge proudly on this one: it's totally fine. Men and women can be in a room together without shagging.

mightydolphin · 21/01/2024 17:16

I wouldn't like my DH meeting a female friend he'd known for 6 months at their house. He has longer term female friends and it wouldn't concern me at all in that situation. I wouldn't share my concerm though unless I had a good reason. I don't get to dictate where he goes and I trust that he would reject any approach.

LusaBatoosa · 21/01/2024 17:17

BlueGrey1 · 21/01/2024 17:01

@NahHumBrag

Yep, if I loved my partner and thought he was an otherwise good DP but had some trust issues, I would avoid doing things like going to other men’s houses alone if I thought it would cause conflict, why do it if it can be avoided, it’s surely not necessary.

This is surely a little thing if he is otherwise a good partner

No, curtailing one’s reasonable behaviour to assuage a partner’s jealousy or trust issues isn’t a little thing. It’s a pretty big thing.

If I lived my partner and thought he was an otherwise good DP with trust issues, we’d be having an in depth conversation about this and why it was problematic (and, if he was a good DP, he’d be capable of a rational conversation) and find a way for him to work through his trust issues without unfairly taking them out on me.

CherryBlossom321 · 21/01/2024 17:23

My husband and I have both visited friends of the opposite gender in their homes. I’m not a “cool wife” (🙄), we simply have mutual trust and an appreciation of friendships both together, and independently of one another. Married 18 years in July. It’s not your responsibility to assuage the insecurities of your partner.

Lwrenagain · 21/01/2024 17:23

If one of you is going to cheat, doesn't matter where you meet I suppose, but the fact he's a colleague not an old pal is probably the issue.
Let's face it, most affairs are with colleagues aren't they?
Would your friend and DH get on? DP gets on well with my male friends bar one, (who tbh I think is a bellend myself but I have very specific similar interests that I share with him so I'm keeping him 😂)but if they'd get on introduce them. Maybe that'll ease DH concerns, he's probably more worried he's a creepy rapey fucker as opposed to worrying you're planning a fling. I think that would be my concern too.

AnnoyingMildew · 21/01/2024 17:24

I find it really weird that people have an issue with this... and I'm not a "cool wife".

But I do have male friends. In fact, most of my work friends are male (male dominated industry), and I wouldn't think twice about having a cup of tea, or lunch at theirs (or vice versa).

I mean where does it end, do women (in relationships) avoid going to their lesbian friends' houses? My long term best friend is a gay woman, I've never even considered that it'd be any different to have lunch at her's than a straight female friend.

Sure, if it was a secret, or the friendship was even remotely flirty, or either of us had previous for cheating... that'd be a no no.

Now I wonder if the wives/partners of my friends view it differently. I've never got that sense form them.

wp65 · 21/01/2024 17:25

I'm also really surprised by some of these responses. I go to my (male or female) friends' houses, and my husband has never so much as raised an eyebrow. Why would he? And he has female friends he goes to visit. I like that he has close female friends - I tend to think it's a good sign in a man! It seems normal and healthy to me to have friends of both sexes, without making a big song and dance about meeting up with friends of the opposite sex. We're not different species, and I have no romantic feelings for any of my (very lovely) male friends. I don't think there needs to be some kind of subtext to every male-female friendship. In fact, that idea makes me feel depressed.

BlueGrey1 · 21/01/2024 17:26

@LusaBatoosa

Despite what people thing there are trust issues in ALL relationships and everyone has a tendency to get a bit jealous, people who say they don’t in my opinion are lying,
To have a harmonious relationship each party should try and avoid doing things that could possibly cause jealousy or trust issues…..this is not really a difficult thing to do…..it really isn’t

wp65 · 21/01/2024 17:28

Also I'm so bored of seeing the jibe 'cool wife' on here. It's such a lazy way to denigrate women with different boundaries and expectations to you.

ModernMornings · 21/01/2024 17:30

wp65 · 21/01/2024 17:28

Also I'm so bored of seeing the jibe 'cool wife' on here. It's such a lazy way to denigrate women with different boundaries and expectations to you.

Same with trust issues and insecure/jealous for anyone who has different relationship boundaries

catelynjane · 21/01/2024 17:31

To have a harmonious relationship each party should try and avoid doing things that could possibly cause jealousy or trust issues…..this is not really a difficult thing to do…..it really isn’t

This just screams "controlling abuser" to me. It's not other people's responsibility to modify their behaviour to appease you.

userzH · 21/01/2024 17:31

@catelynjane a lot of affairs start this way. 100%. A new friendship....and that's all they are...just friends. But then it begins to build and she's going round to his house. The fact he is single doesn't help.

I'm not accusing op of anything here - I don't think she's doing anything but you can be the most trusting person in the world and still feel uncomfortable about something.

Op and her Dh made vows to each other. I'm glad he's saying something now because if he didn't, it would eat him alive. In my opinion the op should respect his worries. I'm not saying end the friendship but she should be reassuring.

There are daily posts on here and it's usually the man that has started the friendship. The female op gets told to be wary of her partner and keep an eye on it. This should be no different.

bostonchamps · 21/01/2024 17:32

wp65 · 21/01/2024 17:28

Also I'm so bored of seeing the jibe 'cool wife' on here. It's such a lazy way to denigrate women with different boundaries and expectations to you.

+1 to this.

ManateeFair · 21/01/2024 17:32

muddlingthrou · 21/01/2024 15:51

I don't think it's a big deal and I'd be insulted that my DH made it into one. I hate the whole 'I don't trust him' line as it makes me feel like I'm a possession rather than a woman with thoughts and intentions. If that makes me a 'cool wife' then so be it.

Same. The “I trust you, but I don’t trust him” is so fucking offensive to me. It implies “I know better than you what your friend’s motives are, and I have to protect you by controlling you.” It also suggests he thinks the OP would somehow just be incapable of saying no thanks to a friend who made a move on her. Or does he think her friend is a rapist?

I think it reveals a hell of a lot about a man when he thinks no man can be trusted alone with a female friend. What the fuck does that say about him?

The whole ‘cool wife’ insult thing is so derogatory and misogynistic. If you think women who feel differently to you about anything relationship-related are really just trying to ingratiate themselves with men by being ‘cool wives’ you clearly have a low opinion of women’s intellect and agency. I don’t trust my partner because I’m a ‘cool wife’, I trust my partner because I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone I had such a low opinion of. I also treat my partner how I’d like to be treated, and if my partner started telling me I couldn’t pop round to see a male friend in case I somehow couldn’t resist having sex with him, I wouldn’t be happy.

Nevermindtheteacaps · 21/01/2024 17:32

I'd run fast from your controlling, paranoid husband. How on earth do you tolerate this kind of utter drivel from him?

catelynjane · 21/01/2024 17:34

@userzH and affairs also develop when people have been friends since they were in primary school.

If someone wants to have an affair, they'll have one - whether they see people of their preferred sex at home or not.

ModernMornings · 21/01/2024 17:37

catelynjane · 21/01/2024 17:34

@userzH and affairs also develop when people have been friends since they were in primary school.

If someone wants to have an affair, they'll have one - whether they see people of their preferred sex at home or not.

Edited

Not specifically commenting on op here, but if you're spending time at a new male colleague/friends house alone, an affair is more likely than of you didn't do that and only saw him at work once a week.

People don't always set out for affairs to happen, and yet they do, because none of us are infallible.

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