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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Met up with a male friend

247 replies

Saltandvinegarcrispss · 21/01/2024 15:36

Met up with a male friend/colleague yesterday at his house. He is single, I am not. We are just friends and although my DH has never met him, he's seen our conversations and knows nothing is going on between us. Says he trusts me 100%.

He's unhappy that I went to my friend's house, alone, rather than a public place, like a cafe. 'I trust you but I don't trust him' is the line he used. He gave me a really hard time about it like I'd done something really wrong. If you trust me that much then really it doesn't matter how much you trust him, surely? Because if he tried anything (he won't!) Then I'd just leave and never put myself in that kind of situation again.

I've tried to put myself in his shoes and thought what if he went to a female friend's house and honestly? I trust him so I don't think it would bother me. He meets up with female friends regularly at pubs (but then he only ever meets his male friends at pubs too so for him that's just the norm, whereas I meet all my friends in their homes or mines usually!)

AIBU? Should I only ever meet this friend in public, just because he's a man?

OP posts:
Original poster
Saltandvinegarcrispss · 21/01/2024 16:07

Clarinet1 · 21/01/2024 16:07

If your DH trusts you, shouldn’t that mean he trusts you to rebuff any advances that might take place and then not to see the man in private again?

This is what I thought trust meant ☹️

OP posts:
ModernMornings · 21/01/2024 16:08

All this talk of trust. I trust my DH not to cheat (have sex) but I still would not be happy with him doing any of the following;

Staying over with a female friend
Sharing a bed with her "platonically"
Eating a single strand of spaghetti together
Having a movie night with her
Going to a strip club
Eyeing up other women
Etc etc etc

SugarMiceInTheRain · 21/01/2024 16:08

Wow, my husband is totally fine with me meeting up with my male friends. He has met them, is very clear that theyre not interested in me (!) and trusts me. We are involved in hobbies together and whilst we are usually in public places, occasionally I'll go to one of their houses, e.g. last night, to programme lights for a show we are doing. I think I would really struggle if my husband didn't want me to go out and see any of my male friends, though if he objected I wouldn't want to upset him. However I would probably end up being depressed as it would distance me from my entire social group.

Sandtownnel · 21/01/2024 16:12

Oh don't act so shocked OP. You must know on some level this isn't normal. Can't imagine Dh meeting his friend at her home for any reason.

noooooooo · 21/01/2024 16:12

If your pal was going to put the moves on he could do it in a car, in a pub, walking home. I’ve read many a thread where a man has tried to start it up in public.

The whole ‘don’t be alone in private with a man’ thing is based on old-fashioned mores, where society was fixated on judgement and reputation.

’I don’t trust him.’

Does your DP think your pal is just waiting for a chance to pounce or something? Also, if he’s giving you a hard time about it and treating you like you’ve done something wrong he obviously doesn’t actually trust you, he just knows he has to say that.

MaybeImbad · 21/01/2024 16:14

I don’t think Yabu at all - I’m genuinely shocked how many pp think it’s inappropriate to visit a friend at his home because he’s male! I feel as if I’ve stepped into a time vortex.

If he’s unhappy, or has asked you explicitly not to go to this friend’s house, then I wouldn’t be happy with that but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have a proper conversation with him, hear him out, and expect him to extend the same courtesy to me. But as some sort of blanket social rule? Nope.

K37529 · 21/01/2024 16:15

I would be ok with my partner meeting up with female colleagues if it was like a staff do or something, but alone and at their house, definitely not and I wouldn't do that to him either. I would just find it disrespectful, and no matter how much your partner trusts you to the rest of the world It looks like something is going on between you two. Your partner probably feels like your making him look like a mug.

NotQuiteNorma · 21/01/2024 16:15

I think you're being really naive. Trust doesn't mean your husband shouldn't feel uncomfortable about you going round another man's house without telling him. He thought you were meeting in neutral settings. If you were so sure he wouldn't have a problem with it then why did you choose not to tell him you were going round the mans house?

MsCactus · 21/01/2024 16:15

I mean, when I was younger I used to think this sort of thing was fine.

BUT the last time I went to a male work friends house to hang out he confessed he liked me and asked me to stay over (his wife was away on a trip). I'm married too - I've never done anything like that since.

I've had so many "platonic" male friends come on to me now that tbh I now think quite differently. I was naive when I was younger. I'd never go round a male friends house alone now sadly. I also think there's a difference between a friend you've had, say 10 years and also knows your partner- and a new work friend. I think new work friends are more likely to come onto you /behave inappropriately ime

You're also quite vulnerable, alone in their house with just them there

userzH · 21/01/2024 16:16

@LusaBatoosa he has by saying he doesn't mind the friendship and is happy for them to meet. He has a problem with it being at his house and that's fair enough

Aquamarine1029 · 21/01/2024 16:16

There's another aspect to this situation. If I were you, I would be very concerned about the optics of this seemingly rather new friendship with your work. If your other colleagues find out you went over to his home, alone, it could alter some people's opinion of you and/or your judgement. Rightly or wrongly, it's just not a good look. If your job/career and professional reputation are very important to you, you may want to reconsider going to his home.

Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow · 21/01/2024 16:18

LusaBatoosa · 21/01/2024 15:59

What is it you think will happen, though? If you trust him, it doesn’t matter what she does, she won’t get anywhere.

Show quote history

For me, it’s not wanting her to get that thrill for want of a better word of being close to my DH

Lampzade · 21/01/2024 16:19

Op, the main problem is that your dh hasn’t met you friend and so probably feels uncomfortable with the relationship.

Hooplahooping · 21/01/2024 16:26

Is this less about where you met him and more about him feeling a bit bait-and-switched by what happened?

If my husband said ‘I’m going to pop over to Amy’s house for lunch’ it’s different to if he said ‘I’m meeting Amy for lunch / a drink and then later drops into the conversation that he went to her house’

those are different things.

I don’t think there is a right or wrong here. There is an issue with openly communicating plans + setting boundaries that feel comfortable for both you in advance…

BlueGrey1 · 21/01/2024 16:35

He has made it clear that he has some trust issues so I would be mindful of that in the future unless you want to start an argument and value your relationship

NahHumBrag · 21/01/2024 16:45

BlueGrey1 · 21/01/2024 16:35

He has made it clear that he has some trust issues so I would be mindful of that in the future unless you want to start an argument and value your relationship

So, OP should curtail her reasonable behaviour to allow for her husbands unreasonable demands? She should modify her behaviour and be a Good Girl or an argument would start? Not a massively healthy attitude to relationships.

I regularly meet a married male friend for coffee and it’s frequently at my house. I’ve known him since I was 16 and whilst we had a teenage dalliance, we managed to avoid anything untoward for the last 30-odd years.

OP’s husband either trusts her or he doesn’t.

LusaBatoosa · 21/01/2024 16:48

userzH · 21/01/2024 16:16

@LusaBatoosa he has by saying he doesn't mind the friendship and is happy for them to meet. He has a problem with it being at his house and that's fair enough

He doesn’t get to dictate who she’s friends with or ‘mind’ her friendships, so that’s really not him being magnanimous.

And, no, attempting to control where she meets her friend is not ‘fair enough’.

Frazzledmummy123 · 21/01/2024 16:52

I can see it from both sides. You did nothing wrong as it was perfectly innocent, however I can also understand why your DH didn't like it.

Can you honestly 100% say you would feel relaxed if he said he was going to a female friend's house just the 2 of them?

Bature · 21/01/2024 16:52

Aquamarine1029 · 21/01/2024 16:16

There's another aspect to this situation. If I were you, I would be very concerned about the optics of this seemingly rather new friendship with your work. If your other colleagues find out you went over to his home, alone, it could alter some people's opinion of you and/or your judgement. Rightly or wrongly, it's just not a good look. If your job/career and professional reputation are very important to you, you may want to reconsider going to his home.

Where do you live and what do you do for a living that you genuinely believe such utter tripe? Are you a secretary from 1983?

MN is so backwards sometimes. Dear Lord.

LusaBatoosa · 21/01/2024 16:53

Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow · 21/01/2024 16:18

For me, it’s not wanting her to get that thrill for want of a better word of being close to my DH

Show quote history

For goodness’ sake! 🤣🤣🤣

Diamonde · 21/01/2024 16:55

Got to be really tiresome being in a relationship where expressing your feelings is 'dictating'.

I'm someone who has many male friends. Have never met up alone at one of their homes, and I don't feel I'm missing out on anything either.

If I had this issue with my SO, I'd definitely lose trust if they made a huge deal of it, rather than shrugging and considering somewhere else next time.

BlueGrey1 · 21/01/2024 17:01

@NahHumBrag

Yep, if I loved my partner and thought he was an otherwise good DP but had some trust issues, I would avoid doing things like going to other men’s houses alone if I thought it would cause conflict, why do it if it can be avoided, it’s surely not necessary.

This is surely a little thing if he is otherwise a good partner

DesignerStars · 21/01/2024 17:02

I think it all comes down to context to be honest. If it's a longstanding friend and you went round in the afternoon for a coffee and a catch-up then it's absolutely fine. If it's a new 'friend' and you went round on a Saturday night to share a bottle of wine then it's a bit weird.

Your message is a bit ambiguous about the longevity of the relationship and the context of the meeting.

Singlepringle1980 · 21/01/2024 17:04

You’re not allowed to go into the house of a male friend? Wow. What century is your husband living in. You don’t need his permission and you can see your friend wherever and however you like.

Boomboom22 · 21/01/2024 17:05

People on mn are weird about this. As is your dh. I wouldn't have it, do whatever you want.