To be P***** as this

[xTina89]

I am so sick of DH taking the piss with nights out and other things, He goes out all day drinking every couple of weeks on a Saturday, as well as the numerous other things he has planned through the week!

Yesterday he went out at 9am and got back at 3am, like what on earth could somebody doing for all that time, yes ok when you're in your 20's with no responsibilities, but at 33 with 2 young kids I don't understand. He is rough today as well and he knew I had work, I am so tired of this.

Where is he going at 9am? Is he playing golf or something like that first?

Not that it's really relevant, just curious.

If he starts drinking that early he is definitely taking something to keep him going.

This.
Time he grew up. He made the babies, he takes responsibility.

So, then choose your difficult.

Divorce is difficult

Being with a man who doesnt give a shit about your feelings and cares more about alcohol is difficult (and don't think the kids won't notice this as they absolutely will)

If you arent going to do anything about it then I am not sure what you want people to suggest. You need to talk to him and tell him its unacceptable.

It's not help!!! It's being a parent and doing his share.

Absolute waste of space he is.

Im sure the posters who are advocating the booking time away or setting a rota mean well, but surely the issue here is that he's treating you with contempt and not accepting he has any responsibility to his children, by assuming that you're the default care giver who is always around?

That's not someone you can set a rota with, and wouldn't be safe to get up and leave for a hotel because you cannot rely on him to actually stay home with the children

You deserve better OP. He's gaslighting you into thinking this is normal. It isn't.

I just read so many things about how divorce affects children and I dont want to be the cause of that

How divorce affects children is generally down to how the adults involved behave as children will take their cues from their parents. But if you feel that this is best for your children, no need to do anything

If the relationship you are in is the one you want to model for your children then keep on letting this be their 'normal' 🤷‍♀️

His behaviour is entirely unacceptable but honestly I’m with your DH when he says he doesn’t want to “end up like you”. That’s a horrible way to say it, but your favourite thing to do is to meet a friend at a play centre? Honestly if that’s the “fun” in your life abd you genuinely don’t want to do anything else then you and DH are clearly not compatible. There a whole lot of middle ground between “fun” is an 18 hour bender and “fun” is going to a play centre, but you two might not be able to meet in the middle somewhere on this. That’s quite the disparity.

its not the play centre itself that I find fun. its the meeting up with a friend and having a chat whilst our children are happy playing. I love it!

There is no way he is out from 9am to 3am and “just drinking”. Fair enough if some of it is eg a sports activity but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.

In which case, there is something else at play and my money would be on coke. See also the aggressive deflection about “well you drink wine”. Has he got a sniffly nose this morning?

But I digress. He’s a wanker and treating you with nothing but contempt. A divorce now will be better than your kids witnessing this on the regular.

I think you should book yourself a night away every fortnight for the next 6 weeks. You can relax and do your thing, have a glass of wine if you want and you do not have to tell him that! Let him keep the home fires burning and experience the reality that it takes energy too and it’s taking the piss to just expect you to keep it going and then have lots of energy for going out. I feel you.

If you’re drinking too much because you’re unhappy this can lead to alcohol dependency and it’s something you need to address for yourself and your children.

your unhappiness is obviously the reason you’re drinking. But drinking can lead to further anxiety and depression. It’s a vicious circle. Drinking alcohol reduces alcohol induced anxiety which is why many people think it helps calm them.

for your own peace of mind, mental health etc you need to curb your drinking.

especially as it’s your sticking plaster of choice for an unhappy marriage and clear loneliness.

This isn’t blaming you OP. Your husband is deflecting to minimise his choice to check out of family life. But you can’t do the same.

What he's doing is unacceptable, OP. You and the children deserve so much better than this.
I wouldn't hesitate to divorce him.

BTW did you realise that the Reply button on Mumsnet is broken?
If you want to respond to someone, click on the three dots and select QUOTE.

My OH used to work long hours 6 days a week and go to the pub after work nearly every night. I was like a single parent doing everything on my own kids were in bed by the time he came home. Weekends he would get especially bladdered. He wouldnt listen to me complaining about it so eventually I threw my engagement ring at him got in my car and drove off. Came back few hours later said I was leaving him n he said he would stop going so much. Few years later he's stuck to it, he usually only goes fri n sat nights sometimes in the week which I'm totally fine with but he helps at home a lot more too.

I was fully prepared to take the kids n walk out on him I'd quite happily be on my own I'm not dependent financially on him. Think he realised I was serious and it made him grow up a bit and not live the single life he had. I would not put up with being treated that way

Thanks :)

And there's no reason why you can't drink wine at home.

He's just throwing that back at you because he hasn't got a reasonable excuse for going out every weekend for as long as he does.

9 times out of 10 the children affected by divorce are the one's where their parents are bitter and poison the DC against one another.
There are probably many divorced parents that are co parenting just fine with happy children.

The point of insisting on having equal time at the weekend to yourself is to drive home how much hard work looking after children are.
Let him try it. He may change his attitude.

You wouldn't be the cause. He's not playing his part in your marriage or as a parent - he would be the cause

I can believe is genuinely is out from 9am to 3am just drinking.
That does not make it OK.

Yes, I do think I have been leaning on it a bit too much though so I am going to stop drinking for a while myself at least then he cannot throw anything at me, although he will probably find something else I do wrong maybe.

I never have a hangover and am never drunk, I still wake up in the morning and look after the kids, take them to school/nursery etc and make sure they are looked after. it doesn't affect any aspect of my life but I am still going to give it up for a while (could do with losing the few extra pounds I put on over Christmas anyway haha)

It doesn't sound like things are equal in your marriage.

It doesn't sound like he does his share.

And it also sounds like he's trying to make you feel guilty when you point this out.

You deserve so much more than this. He is treating you like a live in cleaner and carer for his children so he can go out and do as he pleases whenever he likes, living the single life. Don't be concerned about divorce and standing up for yourself, be concerned that your children are seeing how mum is treated by dad and that it must be acceptable behaviour. They will be picking up on how sad you are and the tension between you. I hope you are able to get away from him, you are worth so much more than this xx

He works from 7am until 8pm most nights which I understand he has to work. I only work 3 days so im guessing a most of it should fall on me anyway.

Have you got a daughter?

What would you say to her if she was in a marriage like this?