To be P***** as this

[xTina89]

I am so sick of DH taking the piss with nights out and other things, He goes out all day drinking every couple of weeks on a Saturday, as well as the numerous other things he has planned through the week!

Yesterday he went out at 9am and got back at 3am, like what on earth could somebody doing for all that time, yes ok when you're in your 20's with no responsibilities, but at 33 with 2 young kids I don't understand. He is rough today as well and he knew I had work, I am so tired of this.

I'd be giving an ultimatum in this instance.
I'd offer family life with an agreed amount of hours to himself that matches the me-time you get or, a social life to do whatever he wants whenever he wants since it seems he's being selfish enough to do this already

There's just no way I'd put up with my dp going out for that length of time.
You're right to compare it to in your 20's v 30's with kids. Life changes when you have a family and priorities should too.

Children learn how to relate to their partners by watching how their parents relate to each other. If you stand strong against poor treatment, your children will stand strong against poor treatment. If you stay in a relationship 'for the greater good', even though you're unhappy, your children will stay in relationships 'for the greater good', even though they are unhappy.

Divorce isn't the issue. Poor parental relations is the issue. Show them what self respect looks like.

How much does he spend on these benders?

You wouldn’t be the cause of it, his selfish behaviour would. Sounds like you solo parent most of the time anyway as he’s out or hungover all weekend. Don’t let your kids think this is a healthy way to be in a relationship OP.

Growing up with a parent who has disordered drinking is very damaging to children.

If they're too young to know now eventually thise children will learn that they come last to their fathers social life. How utterly crushing to a child.

While my dad wasn't as bad as that, we knew he wasn't too bothered by spending time with us. He was tired from work🙄

I remember my mind being blown the first time I heard another child say their dad had cooked the dinner and sorted out clothes. I genuinely couldn't fathom it? Mothers cooked the meals and dads had it served to them?! Took me ages to realise it's normal for dads to do those types of things. I then resented my dad for years because he left my mother to do everything for us and I knew he wasn't interested in taking care of us other than bringing home money from work.

You’ll probably end up doing more damage to them by staying with him and being miserable.

You wouldn’t be the cause of divorce he is.

18 hours of drinking is astonishing.
He clearly has a drink problem.

Ultimatum time. He ever cuts back to once a week or he is out. I would not be putting up with this op, he is not a teenager! He has a responsibility to be at home raising his children, pitching in with the house work and enjoying time with you. There is nothing that would keep me in this marriage if he continued. You are already a single mother.

This.

But this sounds so typical. He wants his life back again, doesn't want the responsibility of family. Seems like drugs are certainly involved. Pathetic to leave you for 18 hours with 2 kids. Up to you to decide if this is the life you want or your kids deserve. He won't change. In fact as your dc are getting older he will see less of a need for him to be there and it gets worse.

Oh yes he will...

This is what I don’t get.

Many people rush to say divorce damages children. Does it? How do we know?

People who get divorced have usually been unhappy for a long time. How do we know all the damage attributed to divorce isn’t mainly some living in a household where their Dad dedicates entire weekends to getting arseholed and recovering? That when their mum is at work and their dad is looking after them there’s clearly something wrong with him and he isn’t engaging properly or really connecting with them. Or that they see their mum having the piss taken out of her and being miserable.

A bad divorce where the adults can’t act like adults, will damage children. But those people were unlikely to put their kids first before divorce. When divorcing if one parent gives no shits about the impact on the kids, they don’t care when they were in the marriage either.

How much damage is caused to children and their future relationships being brought in a miserable household, ‘for the kids’?

He can’t possibly look after the children well after drinking for 18 hours and a few hours sleep. They will know what a shit dad he is. And their mother accepting it.

YWU to have 2 children with this ape and then expect him to be a father to them.
It doesn't sound like this is new behaviour on his part.

Right, you've talked to him and said he won't change cos he doesn't want to be like you (spending time with the kids, doing chores, etc) so time for you to be like him.

Not too late. Grab your coat and go. Tell him you realise you should be more like him so he's got the kids and you'll see them later.

Go get a coffee, catch a movie, get some food. That'll take up a chunk of hours.

How old are the kids? When's bedtime?

Text an hour before and tell him you won't be home for it so he should go ahead and put them to bed.

Walk in at 10pm, no apologies and go to bed

Do you ever go out yourself OP? Because if you do you will be able to imagine exactly what he's doing. He's drinking with the lads and then going on to late bars or a club for more drinking. Possibly chatting up other women, dancing, messing about. Places are full of men his age doing just that, and older. You see them my age doing it and I'm 54! It's not about what he should be doing in his 30s, it's what he shouldn't be doing when he has a partner and children who he should be prioritising. Again, not an age thing, a character thing. It's not getting to your 30s that makes you review how you spend your weekend its your life circumstances, and if he hasn't changed now, there's no point waiting for maturity to kick in. Tell him straight what you want in your relationship. He will either comply or not. If he doesn't then you decide whether to leave him.

Of course he will.

Let’s assume he does stick to 50:50 long term, which is unlikely as his social life takes priority.

He will still have 50% of the time to do this. Or, more likely, have the kids babysat if it falls on his weekend with the kids. Which is fine occasionally, but I bet it ends up not being occasionally.

Op has work today so he will be left with kids

I think divorce is less damaging than the relationship dynamics being taught in your home.

You wouldn’t be the cause

He has just thrown back at me the amount of wine I drink, Which I have been having more than usual lately because I just feel so unhappy doing everything on my own.

Is there anyone who could have a word with him about this being unacceptable when you're a dad - family member etc, so it's not just coming from you?
Most decent men I know would think this is dickish behaviour, whether they have their own children or not. It'd be a poor way to treat a partner even if no children were involved. I'm wondering who he spends his time with or whether he moves on to different mates during that time so they don't realise what he's doing

I was in a marriage like this. I divorced him 5 years ago. Life is much easier. I don't resent anyone, I don't feel abandoned, and he now gets to enjoy not seeing his kids most of the month and doing all the drinking and sports he wants.

Now I feel like the worst person ever for drinking wine, maybe he is right

Stop with the blame game. Ask him if he's willing to step up and take his share of parenting and household duties, and how he wants your relationship to look.

Work out how far you're willing to compromise.

It's not about right and wrong. Parents are allowed to go out drinking, leaving the other parent at home with the kids. Parents are allowed to drink wine. But you're in a relationship, so try to relate to each other. If it doesn't work, you're not in a relationship, even if you're married, and you need to take appropriate steps to stop this situation from damaging your life an your children's lives any further.

He is deflecting instead of working with you on a problem. That's not what relationships are supposed to be like. My ex did the same.

Divorce affects children but so do shitty marriages that model disrespect.

I guess it depends on how happy you are in general, and if you think it's a phase. Perhaps as your children become more independent then you'll feel less put upon etc.

So you think what you're exposing them to is better?