To be P***** as this

[xTina89]

I am so sick of DH taking the piss with nights out and other things, He goes out all day drinking every couple of weeks on a Saturday, as well as the numerous other things he has planned through the week!

Yesterday he went out at 9am and got back at 3am, like what on earth could somebody doing for all that time, yes ok when you're in your 20's with no responsibilities, but at 33 with 2 young kids I don't understand. He is rough today as well and he knew I had work, I am so tired of this.

I couldn’t be with someone like that, kids or no kids. Yes he’s allowed a social life but it’s selfish and he has responsibilities and to face up to.

If you were to divorce it would be entirely his fault, not yours!

He probably feels guilty at some level so obviously if you "do it too" he doesn't have to feel so bad about himself, plus he gets to shut you up.

Don't fall for it.

He is deflecting instead of working with you on a problem. That's not what relationships are supposed to be like

There is no 'supposed to'. There is no over arching authority to tell us what is 'meant to be'. Each of us has to take responsibility for our own relationship and our position in it. Each of us has to take responsibility for making our feelings clear, and acting with respect to them, and accepting that this sometimes means making difficult decisions.

Do you leave your children for 18 hours over the weekend while you drink wine? If not, then obviously not comparable is it.

He's deflecting from his own shitty behaviour by bringing the focus to your own behaviour (which is not remotely comparable to his) in an attempt to make himself feel better and you feel guilty. And it's worked. Do not allow him to do this!

Because, after all, he knows best?

Op my parents divorced when I was 12 BUT they stayed living together until I was 20.
Needless to say the house was a tense horrible place to be and I moved out the moment I turned 18.

Staying with him when you are so unhappy is going to negatively affect them.
It will also show them that staying in an u happy relationship is something they have to do.
Having a fun and happy mum and 2 separate houses is better for them in the long run.

Having said that, I know how difficult that first move can be, you need to start thinking about it a lot, check out emotionally first to make it easier on yourself and make a financial plan in the meanwhile too. 💐
You deserve so much better. So do your kids.

Your showing your sons or daughters or both them that this is an acceptable way for a man to treat his wife and children.

That it’s acceptable to leave them for a near 24 hour bender and that her feelings don’t matter.

The next generation of loser dads or downtrodden mothers.

Ok your drinking wine cut back if you feel his has some truth there, but and it’s a huge BUT your at home enjoying a glass or two. His out on near 24hour benders!! He would rather be out with his mates drunk arsed probably coked up because you need something to drink for that long unless your an out and out alcoholic and even they stop to sleep.

You are not leaving your children for 18 hours straight are you?

Dont allow him to deflect.

It’s totally unacceptable at any level and he is showing you zero respect in the process. Bordering on contempt.

Sounds like this relationship has run its course.

How much are you drinking?

Enough to not be able to look after your children. Enough to go missing all day Saturday and be hungover all day Sunday?

Is it becoming a problem? If it is, that's a separate issue.

But having a few glasses of wine on an evening isn't anywhere near the same as what he is doing. I don't even drink so its not I am defending women drinking wine when it's clearly an issue.

His drinking isn't really the issue. If he pissed off when he wants, and wasn't drinking and wasn't fit to parent the next day either it would still be a problem.

You are miserable, that's damaging to the kids.

You must feel so lonely op. I would hate your situation. One of the few benefits to marriage is being together at the weekends and having company. He can’t even provide that.

What does he bring to your life? Does he make you feel loved? Valued? Supported? Looked after - does he provide wonderful weekends away, dinners that are just for you. Listens to you when you are struggling. Climax in bed. Hold your hand gently. Rub your shoulders - run you a bath after a long day. Are you being nurtured at all?

Where do you even go to start drinking at 9am?

But no every weekend is absolutely not on. A night out with friends every few weeks sure but that's going out at about 8/9pm with friends once the kids are in bed. Not the entire day (baring very very occasional big events)

He has his priorities wrong

I don't know why people on MN sprout this BS so much.

If he's not parenting now the reality is he's going to do sweet FA when they split. He won't do 50/50. He doesn't have to. No one is going to make him. Yes it's fucked but it is what it is.

Girl, your confidence is obviously on the floor.

How much wine are you drinking? A bottle of wine at home at the weekend is not comparable to fucking off from 9am to 3am drinking.

Come on now... You know this is not right.

And as for the divorce thing being damaging to children, far more damaging for children to live in a house with two parents who are not happy with one another.

Do you go out as a family?

Does he pull his weight when he is home?

Has he always been the same?

Do you ever socialise together? 18 hours is ridiculous. If the only reason to stay with him is the kids then it's over. Don't try and discuss it today if he's still hungover.

OP, There were a couple of lads like this I know from rugby. We were always bewildered their wives did not dump them.

I'm sorry but I just can't get my head around going out for 18 hours. I presume Sundays are a write off after that so he basically does 0 parenting on the weekends.

Where is he going?
Who is he with that can also do this?
What the hell is he doing?
Why is he starting at 9am?
How much is he spending?

His behaviour would be unacceptable to me and many others. Perhaps there are some marriages where this would be ok and that is fine too. The point is that yours isn't one of them. You're not asking for anything unreasonable and yet he is disregarding your feelings - abusing alcohol - presumably spending a lot of money on these benders - setting a terrible example to your children.

I can't stress enough that the main way children learn from their parents is by observation. That is, it isn't what we say to them that makes the biggest impact. It's what they see us do.

Your husband is currently giving your children the following, terrible lessons:

• a husband doesn't need to respect his wife's reasonable requests
• a father doesn't need to take responsibility for his family, or be properly present for them

Are these the things you want your children to accept as part and parcel of life - to replicate in their own relationships, either by growing up to be like him, or growing up to live with and accept as their miserable lot someone who behaves like him?

Who is he going out with? To start day drinking at 9am is so rare, I can't imagine he has lots of friends who do this. Where is he going? I just don't believe that he is at the pub, with his mates, at that time. I'd be doing some sleuthing. Something isn't ringing true here.

Of course he’s allowed a social life, but he’s a parent first and foremost.

I know you don’t like going out out but could you start going to your parents or friends or even getting a cheap hotel.

The amount of free time you both have should be equal but he’s seeing it as if you’re at home anyway, then he might as well go out.

I would set up a rota that says he goes out every other Saturday and you go out the alternate Saturdays or something.

You shouldn’t have to but he needs to see what it’s like having to look after the kids whilst you’re out doing something else.
It sounds like he mainly only looks after his kids when you’re at work.

If he doesn’t stick to going out only EOW or has an issue with you doing your own thing, then I’d seriously reconsider the relationship.

I think he will get the message if he has a taste of his own medicine. Book a weekend away, go out for the day on your own or with a friend etc. This will only work if he doesn’t call in the cavalry in the form of GPs.

OP, sadly I think he is having an affair or at least meeting up with women.

Does he work?

This is a very sad existence for him at his age.

Kids are happy and well adjusted because of you.

How can you respect a person that does this every couple of weeks?

There’s no way a person can drink from 9am to 3am
Either he’s on the sniff or he’s having a few pints then hanging about his mates all day to get out of family life