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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Retired parents UPSIZING house

1000 replies

toastlover100 · 19/01/2024 19:07

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
vodkaredbullgirl · 19/01/2024 19:10

Jealous

Mariannas · 19/01/2024 19:10

Do you think they should have given you the money instead?

Ilikewinter · 19/01/2024 19:11

You know this isnt going to go well - is this a genuine question ??

NeptunaOfTheMermaidBattleSquadron · 19/01/2024 19:11

They earned their money throughout their lifetime and can spend it as they wish. Personally I'd give some to my kids but that's their choice not yours. Is there a chance they're upsizing in the hope of inviting you to live with them or have your own space to visit regularly? There must be a thought process behind the decision!
Have they definitely bought it or is it one of those "lifetime lease" things?

Original poster
toastlover100 · 19/01/2024 19:12

@Mariannas Maybe, hence I said I’m pretty sure IABU.

But I know that something like 65% of first time buyers do so with parental contribution, and I can now see mine would definitely be in a position to help.

OP posts:
Youcancallmeirrelevant · 19/01/2024 19:13

You're waited until late 20's and now choosing to do wedding, house deposit and children all at the same time, and now begrudging your parents spending theit money how they want to?

If you want a bigger house put wedding on hold and children and focus on saving, or vice versa if having children is the most important etc etc

Hubblebubble · 19/01/2024 19:13

If not all spent on care fees, that'll be a decent inheritance one day.

EsmeSusanOgg · 19/01/2024 19:14

You will be chewed up on here. But I understand your frustration. Salaries have simply not kept up with house prices. Careers of Gen Z and Millennials have been seriously hammered by multiple financial crises, Brexit and a pandemic.

Something that was achievable for most couple's in their 20s on a usual middle-income (often just one income!) Is now out of reach for most people - at least until they are substantially older. We then get asked about why we are having fewer children, much older...

UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 19/01/2024 19:15

You can have children and buy a house with getting married just make sure you have legal agreements in place and then get married at a later stage?
we had a child although unplanned before getting married but we first brought a house and then got married. We had an agreement drawn up saying who paid what into the house and how that would be split/given back should we split up.

I would recommend doing that anyway as have seen a family member struggle recently after a relationship breakdown.

MatildaTheCat · 19/01/2024 19:15

Have they inherited or received large lump sums from pensions?

It’s a bit of an unusual one but if you talk to them they can explain their reasoning. As the parents of children who are in a similar position to you we certainly want to help our kids when they are in a position to help themselves. Have a conversation and see where it goes.

Daphnis156 · 19/01/2024 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

megletthesecond · 19/01/2024 19:15

They might want the extra space to future proof it, install wet room(s) downstairs bedroom, shower room etc. Near GP surgery and supermarket.

My mum upsized on retirement so she doesn't have to move again.

Mooda · 19/01/2024 19:16

You will get a load of flack here OP (mainly I suspect from people who won't accept that those of us who bought property 20+ years ago have been incredibly lucky financially). But I cannot imagine doing this while my young adult children struggled. I'm already saving to help them get on the property ladder. Yes ultimately your parents can do what they like with their money but in my view it's weird and selfish.

Smartiepants79 · 19/01/2024 19:16

Why would you begrudge them spending the money they have earned and saved?
I presume you’re suggesting they spend it on you instead?
They’re not exactly frittering it away. A house is an investment. They’ve earned the right to live in any size house they choose ( and can afford).
It would perhaps be nice if they offered to help with the wedding (my parents did) or even the house deposit but this sense of entitlement that you’re currently projecting is never a good look.
Did they get a lot of financial help when they started their lives? Or have they worked hard and been sensible? If a little lucky perhaps?

Original poster
toastlover100 · 19/01/2024 19:16

Thank you @EsmeSusanOgg , that’s exactly it.

The financial landscape is so tough for young people to be where we’d been told we’d be. Go to uni, get a grad jobs, get married and buy a house. It’s just not possible.

to other posters, I know it is jealously. Jealously that buying a house and obtaining a good standard of living was so much easier for my parents generation.

OP posts:
Pemba · 19/01/2024 19:16

I am probably a similar age to your parents. While I understand them wanting their dream house (and this is probably the last chance they'll get), I do think they are being selfish, yes.

I can't imagine having so much and not wanting to help out adult children who are struggling, and are not able to buy at all yet. They could have afforded to give you a good deposit I think,thats what I would have done.

Oh well, inheritance should come to you one day (hopefully).

theduchessofspork · 19/01/2024 19:16

You feel how you feel

But of course your parents are being perfectly reasonable to enjoy the fruits of working hard all their lives, by buying a lovely house to live in while they’re still young enough to enjoy it. it’s not for you to decide if they need it (no one needs to own a house) or to know what their savings are.

If you want to explore help with a deposit, there’s no harm in asking, but they don’t owe it to you.

What do the two of you do and where do you live? You need to figure out a way of earning more.

lemonmeringueno3 · 19/01/2024 19:16

It seems like an odd choice for a couple in their 50s or 60s. Most are looking for somewhere that's easier to maintain, not harder and more expensive. But it's their money so I guess they can do what they want and you'd be churlish to complain.

Have you asked them for help? Maybe they think you're doing ok and don't need anything from them.

But as pp said - it'll be your inheritance one day.

Yazo · 19/01/2024 19:17

I don't think you're being unreasonable, I remember when my mum was looking for somewhere she kept saying 'it was too small, it'd be ok for a young couple' and it wound me up because why does she think two young people need less space than one of her! But nevermind. I'd separate the general unfairness of that generation and the good fortune they've generally had as a generation to be able to buy houses with an ease that younger generations can't. Money aside a bit of understanding and compassion would go a long way I think? At the end of the day though you'll just have to get on with things.

2bumpsor3 · 19/01/2024 19:19

How old are they? If your late 20s they must be late 50s to 60s? Still plenty of time for them to enjoy their house and life

My parents are 58 and 61. I'm 33. They downsized but did I see any of that money, nope

They bought a second home in uk and my mum retired.

It's their money and it is what it is... were not actually owed the money from our parents, they have their own lives to live too

Malarandras · 19/01/2024 19:19

This is their money yes? They could blow it all on chocolate milkshakes and Porsches if they want to. It’s their money, they do not owe you any of it. They did all their working and earning, now it’s your turn. Maybe they were lucky, maybe you will be too, or maybe you won’t. That’s how life goes. But you are being utterly, and ridiculously unreasonable.

Edited to add: it might actually not be your inheritance your one day. They might leave it all to charity. Or to their cat/dog/rabbit etc. The point is they do not owe it to you.

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 19/01/2024 19:19

YABU. It's none of your business what they spend their money on.

Why are you unable to ask them for help op? They may not realise you need it.

Original poster
toastlover100 · 19/01/2024 19:19

Some really thoughtful responses, thank you.

OP posts:
Minglingpringle · 19/01/2024 19:19

Do we really become non-people when we get older, banned from continuing to have hopes and dreams and things to look forward to and spend our money on? I hope not.

OldManSign · 19/01/2024 19:20

This would sting for me too OP. My parents helped with our deposit as we’d never have managed it otherwise (I’m disabled and can’t earn enough otherwise). I’m extremely grateful and I hope to help my child in the same way if I’m ever in the position to/they need it.

Also someone said they earned it and can spend it how they wish. They are of course allowed to spend it how they wish but it doesn’t mean OP can’t be irked by their choices. Also, I’m not sure paying significantly less for a home you were able to sell for perhaps ten times as much is actually earning anything… more like being lucky! Millennials, Gen Z and younger have only had bad luck financially so far - it doesn’t mean they’ve not worked as hard.

In essence, good for them and I hope they have a happy retirement but your feelings are valid OP.

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