Retired parents UPSIZING house

[toastlover100]

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all OP. I think it's a shame that your parents haven't thought to offer even a small contribution to your deposit or wedding.

My DH and I live in a very nice house now. But this wouldn't have been possible without my mum's contribution to the first house we bought together. That money enabled us to get a smaller mortgage, at a better rate so we could continue saving.

You're not hoping for them to give you all the money they're using for this new house so they can't move at all. I would be sad too in your position.

OP - YANBU. It is simply fact that buying a house is much much harder for your generation than 20+ years ago. No amount of avocados or foreign holidays compensates for not being able to afford a decent home of your own.

I find it hard to fathom how a parent could live in luxury and not help while their grandchildren live in rented flats, unable to amount of avocados or foreign holidays compensates for that.

All of the parents I know who can, plan to help their children with housing deposits. This is because we know that the rise in value of our home had zero to do with hard work, and instead is simply asking our children’s generation to write us a big cheque. By paying for a deposit, we are giving that cheque back to our children. And showing that we are not selfish arseholes.

OP I know you do want a wedding but honestly, a house and children will feel so much more important than one day and blowing money on what is essentially, a fancy party. Do the registry office and do a party some other time, life is too short if you want a nice home and family.

Otherwise, I understand how you feel. I can’t believe your parents haven’t wanted to help you out even chucking a small amount your way. Yes it’s there money, but who doesn’t want to help out their own children?

Why are you so sure that OP’s parents once couldn’t afford to get married/buy a house/have kids like OP can’t now?

I knew you would be criticised on here when I read your post but I understand where you are coming from and I would be quite disappointed too.

You have the right to feel how you do, but unfortunately it isn’t something I think you should raise with them.

Yep yabu.

My parents who are semi retired just upsized to a 4 bed detached massive house. £1.2m

My dad was able to sell his business that he was a partner in to a corporate and they got a nice chunk of money which meant they could upsize.

We got nothing and I didn’t expect to get anything.

My parents worked hard for their money (no inheritance etc. all through working) and it’s completely up to them what they do with their money.

I think the bit that sticks in my craw is “about to spend a load of money I didn’t know they had.”

It’s not your money, it’s theirs and to expect to have insight into their finances smacks of entitlement tbh.

If they aren’t clear on your financial situation, make it clear. Then they can decide if that’s what they want to spend their money on.

Look at it this way- when they die their house may have increased in value and you'll get even more inheritance.

Seriously, if they are fit they may live another 30 years so why shouldn't they live in a house they want to?

It’s probably simpler just to expect nothing from your parents.
sorry to be blunt but this was my experience.
then anything is a bonus.
really; we have to try and make our own way in the world.
don’t expect handouts.
no- it isn’t fair, our generation has been screwed, and I would not do this to my kids. But there’s nothing you can do about it.

Your parents situation is irrelevant.

You need to adjust your expectations.

Cheap registry office marriage, buy a house, have a baby.

Or have a nice wedding, delay buying a house and delay kids until near your 40s when your fertility is declining.

You cant have it all on your terms. Having a baby before buying the house is silly because you need to declare dependents on your mortgage and will get a lower offer of lending. You'll also have nursery fees or part time hours, or both, which will reduce what you can borrow.

And being married before a baby and a house protects you if you reduce your hours or income.

I say this nicely, you need to work with what you've got, make the lemons into lemonade, because the rest is wishful thinking and it's making you bitter.

I agree with this.

My husband and I had to choose between a house deposit or wedding. We chose house deposit and eloped.

We’ve now just had our first child at 31 and 34 because we knew it wasn’t financially viable at the time to have a baby, wedding and house all at once.

I completely get your feelings and I would feel exactly the same. I could never see my children renting when I knew I could help them secure housing for themselves and their future children. Both my parents and my husbands parents downsized post retirement and gave deposits to us and our respective siblings. I will 100% be doing the same.

I imagine your parents either see you both working in presumably good jobs and don’t think you need the money or they just haven’t thought about it. Some people are a bit blind to these issues. That doesn’t make it any easier for you though and I hope you can move forward from this and it doesn’t damage your relationship

And thsts your choice you want to sacrifice a dream or something else you would have used that money on fine. OP parents have decided maybe its time their money csn spent on what they would like to do or have. Maybe its something they couldn't so before becuaee they were reaising their kids. Who knows.

I don’t see it as a sacrifice to save for my dc.

Either wya to be jealous that your parents decided to prioritise themselves with the money they earned is really truly awful. Its their money they earned it. Noone should be upset about how they spend it.

I have 400k equity in my home, largely because I had help to get on the ladder early. How did I earn that?

Why do you hiss that as if that "cohort" have done anything wrong??? They've just lived their lives, a product of their times!!!

The bloody whinging, dear god.

I feel exactly the same. I would not get any enjoyment out of buying a beautiful house, even if it was the house of my dreams, while my adult children were struggling to even get onto the bottom rung of the housing ladder. It just wouldn't feel right to me.

You will get torn apart on this thread but I think YANBU. My MIL always looks down on people who rent or have bought through shared ownership/live in flats, forgetting she can only afford to live in an expensive house because 1) the value has risen by about £800k in the last 20 years and 2) she has benefitted from a small or no mortgage in all this time due to inheritances from FIL’s parents! Yes she worked but not until DH and siblings were teenagers which is not a luxury we can afford, and then she worked part time. Not all of the boomer generation have worked hard all their lives, many of them just benefitted from circumstance. I think it’s a shame they don’t recognise that and pay it forward. Sounds like a small contribution (in comparison to a £1m house) would really help.

Sorry but you are being totally u.

They have worked their entire lives and, not to be morbid, who knows how long they have before they might start getting health issues etc. This might be their last house together. Let them enjoy it.

You and your partner have made your choices. Everyone these days knows what house prices are like, and what jobs pay well. You have to make a decision about what lifestyle you want and what sacrifices you want to make to get there. It’s not like you’re about to be made homeless. If you want to buy a house quicker, have kids sooner or have a show wedding then you need to earn more money, or move areas, or accept that you can have a child in a rented flat (which is fine BTW) OR a wedding, not both, and not begrudge your parents spending money they’ve worked for.

Also the vast vast majority of people I know did not have parental help to buy a house, we mostly bought dodgy flats in dubious areas which we renovated and/ or lived in for a while and worked our way up from there.

Skip a big wedding, do it ar a registry office

Do you have a deposit for the house? Or is it unreachable?

You are a heathy adult, you have a partner, a roof over your head and a decent job.

Frankly you should count your blessings rather than complain about what you don't have and expect everything to be easy and perfect.

You could easily get married at the registry office.

Many people have kids even if they are on low incomes and manage to make it work.

Your parents can do whatever they want with their own money....

yet you want to save and spend on a wedding, rather than go to the register office. Save for a house purchase at the same time.

If your parents gave you money and you spent it on a lavish wedding, do you think they might begrudge you due to forgoing their ream house as you want a wedding and house deposit?

can you not choose one to spend money on and do both anyway?

Sorry, I’ve not RTFT but your initial post insinuates you begrudge your parents buying their dream home because you think they should be giving you the money instead? YABVVVU.

Part of the problem is that the older generation see the increase in house prices as a well deserved windfall, with no wider consequences. However, for the younger generation, the increase in house prices condemns them to live in poverty, even if they have salaries that would have been considered ‘high’.

Those in their 60s hear the same salaries and think the young people are doing well, but with student loans and house prices and childcare little or nothing is left. There is just no comparison in living standards.

So much bitterness on this post but it’s especially sad to see someone feeling that level of bitterness towards their own parents. Personally I would be mad at the current state of affairs regarding house prices etc but I wouldn’t direct those feelings at the people who raised me. I also wouldn’t have an expectation that they subsidise the decisions I make, especially in regard to wanting to spend lots of money on a wedding. I’d instead focus on what I could do to improve my own situation.

You have to make your own way in the world. Stop grasping for handouts what is wrong with people these days ???

I see I'm out of step, but I'm used to that. I am 62, my husband is older, and we are in a not dissimilar position to your parents - we bought a house in London a long time ago. By no stretch of the imagination can we be said to have worked for the market value our house has now, it's sheer luck that house prices have risen to their current obscene level. If our children were in your position, I'd be offering them money rather than moving somewhere bigger.