Retired parents UPSIZING house

[toastlover100]

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

They have worked all their life and brought you up making sacrifices to do so. This is their time, don’t begrudge them. My parents released the equity in their house and spent it. I have zero inheritance bar a wedding ring. I don’t expect anything apart from love which I got in abundance.

Have they ever helped you financially before?
If yes how much?

Of course but it’s justified. OP’s parents brought her into a crap, difficult economy having benefitted from better times and would now rather spend all the money on an unsuitable house rather than give her a little helping hand of 100k or so.

It’s more complex than us older parents greedy and lucky, younger ones hard done by. Some DC have spent all their earnings on travel, spending years in higher education having their horizons broadened, amazing times and experiences. Maybe the DPs had to graft from young age and have dreams to fulfil before it’s too late.

Agree the economics are really tough for DC generation though. Also you cant just hand over deposit if DC not earning enough to get a mortgage or disinclined to commit to sticking at jobs. So many different possible situations.

Parents are unlikely to just offer random money but if you have firm wedding plans perhaps they will offer a decent amount towards it as many of us are very happy to help towards this. Or firm plans to buy with realistic plans worked out. Then ask if they would consider interest free loan or helping out.

Also consider if a DPs contributions will be kept safely if relationship founders as DPs I know have been ripped off by divorcing DC’s partner and the money is now gone to another couple away from the family. Lots to consider. Good luck with all your future plans OP.

I’m probably a similar age to your parents, and I totally understand why you feel like this. My generation have had it so much easier than yours and it isn’t fair x

What a horrid thing to say. Would you say that to someone face to face, or do you reserve your cattiness for the internet?

@Pleasehelpimexhausted tbey didn’t bring her into crap economic times. The economy is not their responsibility.

@LumiB we choose to have children though don't we? Do most people genuinely consider their children to only be an 18 year responsibility? OP and partner have done all the right things; higher ed, professional job, the economy isn't their fault.

Yanbu OP. Your parents have benefitted from the enormous uplift in property £££. Of course they should help with a deposit if they can.

They have sacrificed alot to bring you up, whether its sacrificing career opportunities, things they would have wanted to spend money on etc.

They have already spent alot of money raising you. Now you want even more, how greedy can you get. Should they subsidise your life until they are dead? Continue to sacrifice their own desires so you can have yours?

part of my job as a parent is acknowledging the increasing disparity between salaries & house prices. I don’t think my dc owe me anything because having them impacted my career, what nonsense it was my decision to have them. I save to help my dc onto the ladder but i’m not sure why you have conflated that with subsidising then for life?! 😆

Why should they?
It might be nice but there's no should about it.

Lol becuase when they de ided to have children they consulted the future saw where their children would be and thought yup now is good time to have a kid so they can be in a crap economy

Wtf lol

Of course they did.

If they don't want to give you any money, you're going to need to live with the reality. I don't think YABU to be disappointed, but at least you know you have to try and make your own way. You say you don't "want" a small registry office wedding, but it sounds like you can't afford a big wedding, so I'd sacrifice that tbh. I certainly would not be having a big wedding at the expense of not buying a house.

Now you are not just BU, you are being ridiculous!

I understand the frustration but people need to move from the £500k houses to the £1m houses, so people can move from the £250k houses to the £500k houses, and so on. The only people I know who can afford a £1m house are in their 60s.

How much are you thinking you need/would want? Will they have anything left do you think?! Also how old are they out of interest? It would be a silly move if they are in their 70s for example.

I don't remember "having it easy"...?!

With those optics do not have kids as the forecast for the future is grimmer than ever. Honestly, imagine the sort of resentment in 20 years time.

Yes, I know what you mean.

Having just upsized (a bit) at 54 I suppose I'm not far off the same situation, though my son is 20 and nowhere near settling yet.

I have to be honest, it is bloody amazing to be in a house with enough storage space and a spare bedroom now. It is a daily pleasure.

Is it possible not to begrudge your parents their enjoyment while still seeing that they could have made a different choice? To take some of the bitterness out of it?

Have you put your cards on the table and asked them for help? For the wedding if nothing else?

YANBU at all. Absolutely if they have that level of financial stability, they should be helping you with the basics of a house deposit to settle and start a family.

Are you engaged? If so, have they not offered some financial contribution to the wedding? Traditional for the wife's family to pay for it.

Hmm. You're not entitled to their money. Have they led you to believe they would give you money at some point? If they had promised a lump sum at some point, or said 'I wish we could help with X,Y or Z but can't afford to' then I would be upset by that. The thing that would worry me about them upsizing is that it's not terribly good future planning on their part. They're choosing a big house to take care of that might become difficult as they age. If they need to go to a care home/when they die, it's a far bigger headache for you to sort out a big house vs. a small one. But you don't mention their ages and maybe they had you young. I hope they're sensitive to your situation, and recognise that their generation had it lucky with house prices, 100% mortgages etc. I get where you're coming from as also am a child of parents who have benefited from these things, but I also recognise that it wasn't luck alone. They've worked hard for decades. If they want to spend irresponsibly that's their entitlement.

Well op certainly thinks her parents should subsidise her life, why else is she complaining of them spending money on whatbthey want instead of helping her even though she has been in a full time job for quite some time.

The way I look at it is, my parents 'helped' me by bringing me up. If you add up all they have spent on you over the years, it seems a bit cruddy to act as though they owe you something.
My parents are in their 70s. I want them to spend their hard-earned on themselves. They fed me, clothed me and I am sure they did without at times for the sake of me and my sisters. After 18 years of their support, a safe place to grow up, etc, they don't owe me a damn thing.

I’m from a generation who never had money from their parents. I’ve never heard of house deposits being gifted by parents until recent years (and only on mumsnet.) I bought as a single person in my mid-30s after saving for a deposit for years.