Retired parents UPSIZING house

[toastlover100]

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

Goodness there are some odd ideas about parenting on this thread - though it is of course aibu..

I am around the age of your parents I expect OP. I don't think all of our generation necessarily "worked hard for what we have" in relation to property prices, what we might have inherited from our own parents or grandparents etc.

We still live in the large family home, one reason I want to downsize (apart from the obvious immediate practicalities) is to hopefully release a little bit of equity to help my dcs. I could even selfishly say it might increase our chances of dgcs while we're young enough to really enjoy them...

But why would you go through all the effort and dedication of bringing children into the world, loving them, trying to feed them welland support them through their schooldays etc etc etc - then just push them.out of the door and pull up the drawbridge . It just doesn't feel very - parenty.

Clearly many parents (probably the hardest -working ones too) are not in the very fortunate position of being able to help adult dc get established as they are skint themselves. But that obviously doesn't apply to your parents.

I think they are being a bit odd, personally, but as you recognise (and don't need to be told repeatedly, lol) it's entirely up to them.

my in-laws worked hard but hard work doesn’t turn a 50k property into a 1.5m one, that’s just luck & buying at a certain time.

Not your decision and you can begrudge them, no one is stopping you from feeling how you’re feeling.

personally I would begrudge because it seems financially unwise not because they’re not giving YOU the money.

stay in your lane.

Given how much we've benefitted from the housing market, DH and I will downsize at some to help DD buy a house.

We see it as our duty and YANBU, OP.

You sound jealous and entitled. Your parents were in your position once.
They can do what they want with your money.

Ps not suggesting that your parents weren't/aren't hard working. But that is clearly not the only reason they are in the position they are now

But why would you go through all the effort and dedication of bringing children into the world, loving them, trying to feed them welland support them through their schooldays etc etc etc - then just push them.out of the door and pull up the drawbridge . It just doesn't feel very - parenty.

exactly, I wonder if the posters who get quite vitriolic about it are simply feeling guilty.

That’s really impressive. Well done them!

99% of people in their late 20s cannot afford to get married, buy a house and have children all at once. Most people of any age would struggle to do all those things at once. 45% of people NOT having help from parents is a lot of people. Millions of people. Save for your house first and forget everything else until that is done. Yes it’s harder than it used to be but it’s not impossible. You just can’t expect to have your whole life wrapped up in a bow by the time you’re in your late 20s.

I know what you mean OP, my parents have a 4-double-bed house and want to upsize purely so we (my parents’ kids and grandkids) have space to stay at Christmas. Although we are dying to have a Xmas in our own homes 😄 of course they can do what they want with their money but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel miffed.

This is an odd choice to make, I'm deliberately keeping my modest house modest so that I can (and already am) giving my children somewhere else to live and for deposits. It's odd, I think, to get an even better house and not at all think about your late-twenties children. My aim is for us all to have a home we own, not straight away, but as a goal, because being in the rental sector is so terrible.

I don't think being a young couple in the 1990s (ish) could in any way bedesribed as being in "the same position" as being a young couple in 2024

It’s up to them what they want to do with their money.

However that isn’t really the issue. The problem is that if you replicate what your parents did in terms of work and careers then when you reach the same age they are now you will find that you are in nowhere near the same financial position as they are unless you are gifted money.

I was brought up in a single salary household. 3 kids, big detached house and private schooling all funded by one decent professional salary with no inheritance or parental support. Nowadays 2 parents both doing the same job my father did would struggle to provide the same.

The road where I was brought up is now full of widows rattling around huge houses. The only newcomers in recent times were a couple where one was a GP and the other a surgeon and even they say they can’t afford private school fees after funding the house.

Everyone who is reliant solely on salary and not parental support or inheritance has taken a step down the ladder through no fault of their own.

as an adult, I am dirt poor. Growing up, my parents were dirt poor. I’ll never in my lifetime expect financial contributions from them towards things like a house, wedding and will not be receiving any inheritance.

If my parents suddenly revealed they had savings to get themselves a nice house I’d be happy for them. My thought process would not be ‘why didn’t you give your money to me?’

I think YABU but honestly I get it. You feel like you do everything right and still can't get ahead. We bought our house in 2014, it's doubled in price. I don't think we would be able to get on the ladder if we had to start again.

Weddings are expensive. Getting married at the register office can be really cheap - but you say it's "not what we want".

Fair enough - but you can't expect your parents to subsidise you.

You don't mention your DP's parents...

And yet, it wasn't. I think you are confused about your parent's generation as opposed to your grandparent's generation. And they faced different issues.

We have teens/young adult, and I can say without any hesitancy that it was NOT easy to get/keep grad jobs and buy a house. And we're still trying to pay it off, living paycheque to paycheque without being able to save anything as we help our DCs.

You appear to have a sense of entitlement to your parents' money. And, while personally, I think they're nuts to be upsizing unnecessarily, it doesn't mean they still wouldn't have to spend more to get what you deem 'appropriate' for them, while having an eye on their money for yourself.

And thsts your choice you want to sacrifice a dream or something else you would of used that money on fine. OP parents have decided maybe its time their money csn spent on what they would like to do or have. Maybe its something they couldn't so before becuaee they were reaising their kids. Who knows.

Either wya to be jealous that your parents decided to prioritise themselves with the money they earned is really truly awful. Its their money they earned it. Noone should be upset about how they spend it.

Saying “pushed out the door and pulling up the drawbridge” is complete hyperbole. PP and her parnter sound like a university educated couple who work full time and have a roof over their heads with money left over every month to save for a house. They’ve hardly been flung out in snow to starve.

I lost my Dad on my early 30s, so not much older than OP. I’m glad he spent his money enjoying his retirement while he could before dying at age 69. I’ve managed to get married, buy a house and have a child without my or my partners parents help. Was it all done and dusted by my late 20s? Of course not! But I got there.

You do realise that is not an entitlement? Appalling to be jealous and have such expectations.

I’m really rather shocked someone would ask publicly, even with a username to hide identity.

Also, you don’t need a big show-off wedding. Marriages are about a relationship not playing princess for a day.

It’s normal to be jealous of our parents generation. My mum knows she wouldn’t have a chance of the nice detached house she has or 70k plus savings if she was my generation or younger. If I was in your parents shoes I’d downsize to help my kids out. But there’s a lot of people who think they shouldn’t help their kids as no-one helped them. Yeah no-one but right time being born and living when they did benefiting from cheap house prices. My mum earned less than my current rent and dad not much more. They enjoyed plenty of Caribbean holidays and lived on sickness benefits for 30yrs. I am jealous yes that I’m struggling to afford a house or even flat in the South East and their life was so much easier in that respect

wages haven’t necessarily increased in line with everything else

lol, it’s a fact wages have stagnated.

Some of us don’t have our parents around & here’s you moaning that yours are healthy & enjoying life. Time to grow up

Do you say that on every thread on here? Parking threads, friendship fallouts etc, all first world problems because some people have dead parents 🙄

Of course yabu. My parents never gave me anything towards a deposit and I haven't ever even thought about it until right now.

99% of people in their late 20s cannot afford to get married, buy a house and have children all at once. Most people of any age would struggle to do all those things at once.

I'm in my 30s and yes, this is very true. We bought a house at 23, got married at 25 but didn't have DS until I was 34!

I don't know, it's hard. We had parental help for our deposit in 2008 but it was "only" £5k for 5%. We paid the £5k ish for stamp duty, legals etc. Same house now you need 10% and it just sold for £225k. We only got to £20k in savings in our early 30s.