Retired parents UPSIZING house

[toastlover100]

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

My parents upsized in their fifties (one of them was still working). "It's for the grandchildren," they said. I appreciated it then because it meant they had space for my children to stay during the school summer holidays without everyone getting under one another's feet or having to queue for the toilet, and 30 years later they're still living in the same house, with a few adaptations, and I appreciate it all over again because under Scottish inheritance laws they can bypass my generation and leave the house to their grandchildren without being challenged, whereas children have a right to inherit a portion of other assets.

I can see where the OP is coming from, though. My children are now young adults, they're all working and renting, none of them has children, and I wouldn't blame them for grumbling if DH and I decided to spend money on improving our own already adequate housing situation instead of giving them some financial help.

I was discussing my retirement dream of buying a camper van with a child free (by choice) younger friend. She said " what's stopping you?". I replied that it was the thought of spending a substantial amount of cash on my dream when I could help my DS get on the property ladder. She replied that I'd earned the chance to have my dream and DS needs to make his own way in the world! To date I have neither bought the campervan or offered to give the cash to DS, although we have funded a Help to Buy account to help him. But my DS would never expect any more money in the same way he's not expecting an inheritance - as he's well aware that care costs could erode all our money.

YABU to expect your parent's money. It's up to them what they do with it.

Oh the MN "they were privileged " crap. I'm 66. I grew up in fucking poverty. There was no childcare for my parents (or me), free or otherwise. No central heating. The toilet was at the bottom of the garden. The bathroom was a tin bath in front of the coal fire. Etc. Etc. No complaints... it was what it was. You tell me that your life is that bloody hard. The vast majority of this "younger generation" have no bloody idea what hardship is, with minimum wages, holiday entitlement, maternity and paternity leave, employment rights... Etc etc.

All some of this younger generation do is whine about how hard it is. You have no idea at all what hard is. I hope you never find out.

I would give my money to my kids at that age if I could. We will downsize at some point and help our kids financially. Because that will bring me joy. If it’s not the same for your parents, there is not much you can do.

I understand your resentment.

I wonder if your parents actually know how much you are struggling? Have you discussed it with them? Perhaps they think you are fine with good jobs etc. If my children were struggling I would prefer to help them out with a deposit (although I can’t afford it) but I also feel like my 3 bedroomed house is too small! At social times like Christmas, it’s not big enough to accommodate DC partners, parents etc. Still, a million sounds excessive and presumably a huge jump from their current house so I wouldn’t do that.

I can’t imagine upsizing when my kids had left home and couldn’t get themselves onto the property ladder. It’s a very strange decision. Obviously theirs to make, but still, odd.

I wonder why they have decided to do this? Seems odd on the face of it .Their money o f course ,but it seems a little selfish .Maybe they have their own reasons. An investment maybe

Unfortunately people like your parents who paid peanuts for a house have no idea how impossible it is even for high earners to buy property these days.

I get it. You're sad they're putting themselves first, not you.

Bit there's nothing you can do about it. We can't ask people to love or prioritise us. They either do, voluntarily, or don't.

Op I’m with you and understand, but my parents have added another layer to it.

They sold their 3 bed house and built a 5 bed house and then released the cash by taking out an equity release loan to enable them to have a minimum 5 long vacations a year, so the house will go to the company on their passing.

I accept their choice, and their lives and wish them a long healthy and happy life because I enjoy having them in my life.

However, if I don’t stop receiving daily messages with £500k rightmove properties attached, and the question when are you going to buy a house? responded with the message of a household income of £32k and £1k rent a month not anytime soon and certainly not a half a million pound one, I may not be responsible for my actions and hope a judge will take into account the mitigating factors!!!!

YABU of course, they are not obliged to help you. HOWEVER, my parents have just done a similar thing…different situation as all children are financially stable, have their own houses, and don’t need money from them. But they have upsized to a huge, money pit house, far away from all their friends, to the extent they are having to get out loans to do work on this house. They are getting on and are now rattling around in this huge house, no savings…I think it’s stupid….no forward planning. Quite selfish to kids who will need to pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong.

We were horribly poor as a young married couple in our twenties. You say that you live in a flat. Lucky you. We lived in a tiny rented bedsit with a shared bathroom.
It was a really difficult time, and one that I don't like looking back on, but never once can I remember being in the slightest bit jealous or resentful of our parents, who had worked hard all of their lives and had also struggled at first, but were then comfortably off and living in nice big houses. It just never would have occurred to us to expect financial handouts from them.
There's something really unpleasant about begrudging your parents having a comfortable life.

Well op certainly thinks her parents should subsidise her life, why else is she complaining of them spending money on whatbthey want instead of helping her even though she has been in a full time job for quite some time.

I would 100% help my dc before I upsized to a 1m house. If you wouldn’t do that for your dc fair enough but I couldn’t not help my dc.

Also the parents who do help exacerbate the situation for those without help. Obviously not everyone is in a position the help but those that can & chose not too are weird imo.

I don't think it's unusual to resent how much harder our generation have it compared to our parents and grandparents generation (financially speaking anyway).

I understand you being jealous. Most people in our age group would be. The difference between you and most other PPs is:

1. they're of the generation of your parents or slightly younger and also had good luck with house prices/economy etc
2. their parents did give them help (or they had some other inheritance etc)
3. they feel exactly the same but don't want to admit they're jealous/resentful

Not every member of the generation before the current youngsters had it easy. I am gen X and didn't get on the housing ladder until my 30s, no parental help, did all the right things, no kids, cheap registry office wedding, lived frugally etc.

Had I had kids, having spent all that money and time bringing them up, I would still need to ensure that I could support myself later on and also would be keen for an adventure or two, but yes I would want to help them out, so I can understand your feelings. However is it a million pound house in London or somewhere that they are living in huge luxury?

How old are they?

There are lots of things you could envy about their lives, I expect.
Perhaps free education, final salary pensions, being able to afford a house on a single salary, seeing their lives improve over time instead of the slow grinding descent into working poverty as so many of the younger generations are now experiencing.
But it’s a fact that most of the wealth of the UK is held by over 65s, and simmering about it won’t change that cohort’s behaviour.

@PropertyMarket thats hard!

They have worked hard and earnt it now its their time to enjoy it. That’s their money to enjoy the rest of their lives with.

And btw their private finances are none of your business, I’m probably similar to them in my 50s and I would not dream of asking details of either of my parents finances.

I hope they enjoy every last penny of it and have a wonderful long life. As for you why complain one day you will probably inherit something, most of us never will.

I presume my parents are a little older than yours. They had more "luck" with the housing market than I did but I suspect they worked harder in low paid jobs and simply saved.

They lived with their respective parents until they got married and bought their first home. With each home they went without until they could afford something - some rooms without a carpet or curtains, no furniture in a spare room etc. They didn't have an overseas holiday until I left home. Eating out was a treat.

I can't begrudge them the life they built and the lovely house they ended up with. My generation and subsequent ones have to make choices that we don't really want to make. Many, not all, want everything from the outset. We can't do that anymore.

Not every member of the generation before the current youngsters had it easy.

I don’t think anyone has ever said that though or that it was easy but statistically it was easier.

I think it depends on the circumstances.
If your parents are moving because they want to be in a particular area, or they have specific needs (eg bungalow), and it happens that those kinds of properties are more expensive, then it’s fair enough.

If they just fancy a bigger house because they can afford it, then it seems rather harsh to tie up all their money in property so they can’t help you out.

I will definitely help my kids when they’re your age, if I can, rather than upgrade to a fancy house.

If you didn’t know they had this money then maybe they have more and plan to help you when the times comes. To not help your own daughter with a wedding is tight if you can afford it.

Jealous much? Petty as they haven’t just handed thousands over to you?

They might not need the house but they can spend what they want (and can afford to
spend) on a house which they will be happy in for the rest of their days. Presumably they financially supported you for years when you were younger & will likely one day when they are dead & you inherit the house? They also likely worked all their lives to pay for the house they’ve just sold. They don’t owe you anything just now.

Maybe you and your partner need higher paying, better jobs. Or to move to a cheaper area. Or to just have the registry office wedding and concentrate on saving for a small starter home. Basically live within your means.

It’s called life and whilst i’m not denying that houses cost a lot more nowadays and wages haven’t necessarily increased in line with everything else you are not the only young person to struggle. Some of us don’t have our parents around & here’s you moaning that yours are healthy & enjoying life. Time to grow up