I resent my daughters partner

[NewbieoneKinewbie]

Long story short.
I was a single parent to my daughter, we were very very close until a few years ago, she met her partner and started to distance herself somewhat. I was very hurt, of course, but have accepted that this is part of her growing up and away from me.

but I guess i am just sad at who she is becoming. She used to be bright, ambitious and had aims for a creative exciting career. She has lost any ambition. In her mid 20s, they’ve just had a baby. She went from a girl who was always positive about breastfeeding, to one who had given up with a week as her partner jumped to the bottle when it wasn’t initially easy. Changes like that I feel so sad about. She isn’t who she was a few years ago.

he loves her and is a kind man. He’s just not very ‘woke’ I suppose; like he is unimpressed by her vegetarianism.

He doesn’t often visit my place -used to avoid coming here when she still lived here -would always make her go to his family home. I’ve always tried to be welcoming but I really detect an undercurrent that he has never liked me and in truth, although I don’t actively dislike him - it’s just not easy. I find myself feeling awkward, uncomfortable, and having to work hard to get along. Sometimes I want to scream what the fuck?! But i never say anything as I figure, she loves him, I can’t, I don’t want to lose her. Or my grandchild.

am i bring unreasonable to want my girl back to the person she was?

It must be really hard with all the change especially if you see her changing from who she was. The thing is people do change with partners, and you might only see it as for the worst, but the changes may honestly have come from her or them both as opposed to him. Just be there for her, and be involved and hopefully you’ll all end up happy together

Thank you
yes, of course its her changing. I don’t see it necessarily for the worst, but I do see her diminishing a lot of the things I found special and unique and loveable in her, it just makes me feel so sad

i feel like I have lost my best friend which I know is a bit over the top and a sign of my life being too much about her for such a long time

empty nest I was expecting

just thought I’d see my birdie fly more

Trust your gut and just be there for her. She's still the ambitious, kind daughter you raised. Her boyfriend may well be a twat and could be controlling.
This isn't in any way meant to make you guilty but I grew up in a lovely single parent home with just my mum and no siblings. It was great and we were ok financially but I didn't want to bring up my kid alone. It looked too hard and I remember watching my mum do all the driving, all the shopping, all the housework, having all the financial responsibilities. She didn't get her life back in terms of being able to go out and date until I was 16.
This made me try to make things work with my ex for much longer than I should have. It wasn't fear of being alone but knowing what that entailed. Now I'm a single parent and I'm absolutely loving it. It feels right. Just offer subtle reassurance that you would be there if things don't work out. Try to do this without making her defensive, as it's easy to push her into a 'it's me and him against the world' mentality.

Your is in a relationship with a controlling man.

I think you have been too invested in your daughter's life, lots of people change in their early 20s. I know I was still forming as a person. And I think your antipathy to her partner will have been apparent even if you tried to hide it. You can't live your life through her. You just need to support and celebrate the person she is.

I always have supported her and i definitely didn’t feel antipathy towards him until over the last year. I welcomed him to the family, as her choice.
it’s just lately the way that she has grown so apart from me . I had to have major surgery recently (before they had the baby) but she wasn’t there to support me in a way i was for my parents & how he was to his.

it just hurts

@NewbieoneKinewbie maybe you need to be upfront with her and say that you're not invincible and you might need her. We do have a tendency to forget that our parents are people, especially strong single mums like you. Maybe she needs it spelled out.

You need to have some counselling op. Your feelings will be leaking through in some way and you will damage the relationship with your dd perhaps irreparably.

She is now a mother, her priority is no longer you and your relationship but her partner and baby. As it should be.

You have raised her and loved her - but seem to be living through her, and not independently. She will do all sorts of things completely differently to you, and that is natural. It’s her life. She is not diminished but choosing to enjoy her baby and making her own motherly choices. No doubt she will pick up her old dreams if she wants to - they may not be her dreams op, they may be yours?

Talk this through, get some support in place. Make come ambitious plans of your own, start focusing on your own life and not hers. Or you stand to lose all of them.

I think the examples given of her losing ambition are weird - not trying harder to breastfeed? Ok I personally believe breastfed is better but I wouldn't make too big a deal out of it. You talk about her career aspirations but don't elaborate on that, instead just talking about breastfeeding lol whut?

I find your post quite sad to read, as you focus purely on how your daughter has ‘changed’ and not the person you wanted / expected her to be. Of course she has changed - she’s grown up, people change so much in their twenties. What you don’t say is whether she is happy - and surely that’s the most important thing? You say her partner is a kind and loving man - is that not what you want for her? As someone who’s mum also saw / treated them as a best friend, it’s a hell of a lot of pressure. Is it possible she’s distancing herself because she knows how you feel about her life choices and she finds it hard to be around you? I don’t mean any of this to sound harsh and it’s obvious how much you love your daughter, but unless you think she is unhappy or her partner is abusive then you need to just support her.

I think you might benefit from talking these feelings through with someone.

It sounds like you had an idea of who she was - bright, ambitious and creative, and that you wanted her to fly and have a career and do well.

There's nothing wrong with that. But she is making different choices - she's had a baby.

She might well decide to have a big career afterwards. Or she might not. Either way I think you need to put away your ideas of who she will be and acccept that this is who she is.

When she was "your best friend" she may have moulded herself to be the person you wanted to be.

It could be that she is now making herself be what her new partner wants her to be, or it could be that she has decided for herself what she wants to be.

It can be hard to know the difference as you're too close to it.

Hmm, wonder what his and her side of the story would be.

People change. Maybe this is who she really is, and she's happy. You say he's kind, which is extremely important. But it sounds like he's picked up on your dislike of him. Is there some class snobbery on your part too?

I do see her diminishing a lot of the things I found special and unique and loveable in her

This is really sad. It sounds like you had great expectations and now you're disappointed in her. Did you have some idea that she was going to be an amazing artist, or superstar in her career?

Plus, she's a new mum, she's probably exhausted. Weird to fixate on her breastfeeding choice.

Your examples suggest this is you more than her partner or her.

She wanted to breastfeed but her partner 'swooped in with a bottle' when she was struggling. You phrase it as though he sabotaged her plan. Perhaps he was supporting her at a time when she was really stressed and upset and struggling, helping to take a decision she found hard to take because of the guilt around breastfeeding? That could be interpreted as loving her and helping her. And I say this as someone who did bf.

I was a super ambitious teenager and raced through career progression in my 20s. Then when I had a child I took several years out. Now I'm back to ambition again. Having a baby hasn't necessarily fundamentally changed her.
Is she happy? Your post does not suggest she isn't, just that you want her to be a more 'impressive' person.

I think this is more about you struggling with the inevitable changing relationship and agree with others it is likely to be worth talking through with a counsellor.

You are sort of being unreasonable if you expect your Daughter to go back to being the person she was.

Even if she stayed living at home with you, and stayed a school student, or whatever she was (eg an employee) when she was last being the person you want her to be, and even if she only spent time with the same friends that she always had whilst continuing to do all the things you want her to, she would still change.

In fact @NewbieoneKinewbie you show in the first paragraph of your OP that you do know and understand that as your DD grows (and as time passes) she will change, to not do so would be a very worrying red flag.

I do understand that you and your DD shared a very close and loving relationship and that you want that back. Imo there is absolutely no reason why you and your DD can't reunite in the very special relationship that you want with her - once I had a child of my own, my DM and I developed a relationship together that was closer and more in harmony than I ever thought was possible, even though she was the only human that I had ever been able to depend upon - no matter what.

But as I see it, if you want that amazingly close bond back, you need to let go of any previously held hopes and aspirations you had for your DD. At the moment your DD has changed her priorities, whether that would have happened spontaneously anyway, or she was encouraged or coerced into doing so, you now have a gorgeous Grandchild, and your DD's and your DGC's well-being and happiness are the only things that should be of any concern to you for now.

Therefore, OP, please accept the status quo as it is at the moment, show your DD - and when possible/necessary your D(SiL) as well - as much support as you can manage. I would also be disappointed about my DD not breastfeeding, but the alternatives these days are brilliant, and do have some massive benefits:

1. Your DD's partner can encourage his bond with his DC by bottle feeding said DC, and if either of them tend not to look at their DB while giving them their bottle, then maybe when you are giving your DGC it's bottle, you could say something along the lines of

"I have always loved this early stage of feeding my DC - and now DGrandchild - as it is the best time for just gazing into their eyes and having secret imaginary conversations with them, isn't it? Or is that just me?😂"

2. Leading on from the first couple of benefits to them from bottle feeding their Baby, your DD's DPartner can take over feeding him or her during some of the more awkward times, eg during the night "shifts" if DD is missing too many hours of glorious sleep! Or if your DD wasn't feeling well, then her DP would be well versed in how to help.

@NewbieoneKinewbie Your Daughter is still "bright", she can still have the same ambitions and aims, or she can have different ones - maybe her main all consuming ambition will be to raise her DC in the best possible way she can manage, or perhaps it will be to go to a (possibly) local university and get a degree in whatever subject she is passionate about. You can either "fight" her in order to try and manipulate her into doing what you think is best for her, in which case you will probably grow further and further apart, or you can support her, both mentally and physically (if possible), to live the life she chooses for herslf and your beautiful Grandchild. Then hopefully that support from you will also get you both into the close relationship you so long for...

NB: When I started my reply to you @NewbieoneKinewbie you didn't have any other replies!

I have been having counselling lately
I have friends, a rewarding job and a life, but feel sad about some things that have happened. her father was abusive and I’ve never really recovered. I recently left an unhappy relationship which I ended. Having an illness made me curtail my socialising for a while and I’ve had too much time in my own head

She seems mostly happy but she has cried to me about some things - feeling like she tanked her career for example. I mentioned the breastfeeding, as she had been crying today about it. Had felt undermined by others

I know that her ambitions have changed over time and if she just wanted different things I would be fine with it. i think my post is about two things; missing my daughter - i think I had assumed her becoming a mummy would bring us closer again, and it has to a large extent but one side of this is that I see more of her partner and the realisation that I guess I am just more tolerated than welcomed by him, is painful

the second part is wondering how to come to terms with these feelings

I will reflect on how to support myself better because I really don’t want to be ‘that mother’. He has an awful relationship with his mother and my daughter has said he resented our closeness. I have a fear of it being damaged more, if i don’t find a way to resolve this

Absolutely no class snobbery. Very similar backgrounds

This is what I think too. For people raised in a bohemian, middle-classed, single-parent family, there can a be a longing for that warmth and stability of a more ordinary life. Also, if, along with that bohemian, middle-classed life and values of your upbringing you were raised with, you heard a lot of judgement and criticism of people who seem to have cosier and warmer, stable homes, you’ll know that the very thing you long for, is disapproved of by your parent.

You’ll know that your mum disapproves of your choice of man and his ordinary life and choices, before she even meets him, and if you really love him, it will feel too unpleasant to be in your mum’s company at the same time, knowing she is unkindly judging and disapproving of him underneath her show of good manners.

OP I think the only thing for it, if you want a closer relationship with your daughter and her own family, is to have a bit of a paradigm shift, and to demonstrate it when you speak to her. You need to reframe how you perceive stay at home mum’s, ordinary families, with ordinary values, people who don’t prioritise wider politics in their personal decision-making, people who prioritise comfort, stability, financial security, tradition, etc.

If you can make room in your beliefs system for true understanding and respect for people who live by different values than you, recognise that your way is just one way of many, and deep down believe that it is okay for your daughter to have chosen a different way than yours, she will be able to relax in your company with her man.

Until then, she’ll want to avoid you.

My mum is a single mum and was one when I was growing up. I mean this in the nicest possible way but you seem to have placed a lot of expectations on your daughter, and seem to be a bit controlling and unable to see things from her perspective. My mum is the same, perhaps it’s a byproduct of being the sole decision maker for your child (as it sounds like you were too) so you get used to making every decision and become accustomed to having your expectations validated.

Your daughter’s partner sounds supportive and caring. He cares more about her than whether or not she can or wants to breastfeed. Breastfeeding is difficult for lots of women and plenty of parents decide to use formula, either exclusively or in combination with breast milk. Perhaps your daughter feels unable to discuss why she no longer wants to breastfeed with you because she thinks you will judge her and/ or be disappointed in her. Honestly, if you want a meaningful relationship with her I think you need to look at your behaviour and reactions. She is an autonomous person, not someone there to meet your expectations and dance to your tune.

If I were you, I would raise these concerns with a counsellor and focus on rebuilding a relationship with my daughter and grandchild. I have chosen to go very low contact with my mother because of her selfishness and rigidity and her unwillingness to see things from anyone’s perspective but her own. I think your daughter is sending you a warning shot and if I were you, I would be paying very close attention to that.

I think women change once they become mother and of course with age.

Breastfeed for some is very hard. I would not expect my mother to judge me for not breastfeeding.

There is a personality clash between you and her partner. I think you have to keep things civil and see him less if possible.

I think mostly is managing your expectations of your daughter and her future.

I would recommend being supportive and encourage her with her career. Tell her about you're feeling about losing your close relationship.

I think you are struggling with the loss of the relationship with your daughter
she has moved on and will naturally pull away from you

many women plummet into PND being pressured into carrying on with BF when they struggle many who do a u turn on this

you clear don’t like her partner tbh he will of pick up in this
are you surprised he doesn’t want to come to see you I wouldn’t

she got a partner had a baby this will be her main focus at the moment

all your going to do is push her away from you if you carry on like this you can’t use her to fill a void in your life

accept her for who she is, changes and all. Accept her choice of partner and their lifestyle. Keep a quiet non vocal eye out for cohesion. When the baby is older can you talk to her about missing your closeness? Ask how you can rebuild the closeness.

Hi mum. Well no, we’re passed it now but it all sounds very familiar.
I cracked under the pressure once I had a baby, I hadn’t stopped since being at school, here there and everywhere and supportive to my widowed mum (and she to me). It was my husband who poited out I didn’t need to be all things to all people. And yes it went down like a lead balloon initially and there were lots of hurt feelings and guilt. My mums still not the biggest fan of dh but accepts him into her life AND accepts that sometimes I can’t be available.

To suggest that ours was a bohemian middle class family is absolutely not the case

i struggled a lot. All i ever wanted was a loving home & to suggest that i chose single parent hood out of some judgemental feeling of superiority over others is just so wrong.