I resent my daughters partner

[NewbieoneKinewbie]

Long story short.
I was a single parent to my daughter, we were very very close until a few years ago, she met her partner and started to distance herself somewhat. I was very hurt, of course, but have accepted that this is part of her growing up and away from me.

but I guess i am just sad at who she is becoming. She used to be bright, ambitious and had aims for a creative exciting career. She has lost any ambition. In her mid 20s, they’ve just had a baby. She went from a girl who was always positive about breastfeeding, to one who had given up with a week as her partner jumped to the bottle when it wasn’t initially easy. Changes like that I feel so sad about. She isn’t who she was a few years ago.

he loves her and is a kind man. He’s just not very ‘woke’ I suppose; like he is unimpressed by her vegetarianism.

He doesn’t often visit my place -used to avoid coming here when she still lived here -would always make her go to his family home. I’ve always tried to be welcoming but I really detect an undercurrent that he has never liked me and in truth, although I don’t actively dislike him - it’s just not easy. I find myself feeling awkward, uncomfortable, and having to work hard to get along. Sometimes I want to scream what the fuck?! But i never say anything as I figure, she loves him, I can’t, I don’t want to lose her. Or my grandchild.

am i bring unreasonable to want my girl back to the person she was?

@RiseAgainMum, you need to use the quote button or a specific user name to indicate who you’re replying to.

I had a ‘kind ‘ boyfriend. Who wanted to distance me from my parents and siblings, hated how close we all were, was jealous even…..
He constantly put down things I wanted, put down my relationship with my mum, made it out to be a negative thing because we spoke everyday on the phone… I fought back and didn’t fall out with anyone or agree to move away… I guess the fact he couldn’t completely control me was what lead to him ending the relationship… Once out of it I realised how controlling he was…. He only gave me the money from half the house when I threatened to get it revalued as if I lost the house I was buying house prices had increased! (Everyone in the chain was just waiting on me!)… he finally gave me my half and I was able to exchange and complete the sale quickly!
I wonder if your daughters partner is controlling, is jealous of her relationship with you… certainly sounds like he belittles her choices and puts them down!

He takes the piss out of some of the things that used to matter to her, like being a vegetarian. In a subtle way, but it’s there. Her previous job.

This is something that I personally would keep a close eye on, his criticism could increase and become a type of abuse,

Him taking ‘the piss’ out of her is probably chipping away at her confidence slowly, maybe she Dosen’t realise this…..she needs to nip this in the bud and stand up for herself

There is so much narc toxic femininity in this forum. OP’s being a case in point. Somebody should do a thesis.

@Westernesse

There is so much narc toxic femininity in this forum. OP’s being a case in point. Somebody should do a thesis

How is OP being a narc toxic feminist…..explain your post

Are you asking a question or issuing an instruction? It’s not clear.

@Westernesse

I see from your response that you are probably not capable of explaining your post

Whereas you aren’t capable of using full stops or question marks.

@Westernesse

I don’t think you fully understand what you are writing.
Let me guess, you are a very bitter and unhappy person?

Sometimes. Bet you’re amazing.

@Westernesse

Stop trying to spread your bitterness,

You sound like you could possibly be an incel narc

So abusive. Because I didn’t jump to it for you.

@Westernesse

Don’t come on to posts making wild accusations and expect nothing back.

If you can dish it out, you should be capable of taking it

You we’re accusing the OP and a lot of other commenters of being narc toxic feminists

I was a pretty crap daughter in my twenties. You're figuring out life and what's important and still going through phases. Mid twenties is still half-cooked in my opinion. By my mid thirties when I had a better head on my shoulders my mom became my best friend and still is. Just give her time

Not toxic feminists. I was talking about toxic femininity. I should perhaps have said toxic motherhood. We see thousands of examples here on this site.

or does it not exist?

@Westernesse

I personally think the OP had some valid concerns, I think she came on here looking for other perspectives, I wouldn’t say she is a toxic mother, just a mother who wants the best for her daughter, her daughter also dosen’t seem to be entirely happy about her situation.

I’m not commenting further on this post

I really wanted to breastfeed too, OP. You know who the first person was who told me it was okay if I didn’t? A doctor in the ER (what Americans say for A&E), where I was waiting to be transferred to a psych ward in a different hospital. I had postpartum depression and anxiety with suicidal ideation, and breastfeeding was making it worse.

From your posts, I can’t tell if your daughter’s partner is controlling or not. I kind of suspect that you and he would both be unreliable narrators about each other’s behavior.

I do have to say, though, that I think your take on your daughter’s change in priorities is kind of misogynistic, though I’m sure you don’t mean it that way. Her life was supposed to revolve around brain stuff and career ambition, just like men! But now it’s revolving, at least for the time being, on inferior woman stuff, like being as present as possible for the tiny human she grew in her body. So now she’s not your bright shining star because she’s “just” a woman prioritizing her baby, like any woman can do, smart and creative or not.

I don’t know if people are familiar with this in the UK, but over here in the US, I’ve heard a phrase that I think has a lot of wisdom. “No man, on his deathbed, wishes he had spent more time at the office.”

I'm sorry you feel this way. And I'm sorry to say this but I think you are the problem not your daughter. If your daughters happy what's the problem? Because you have this negative attitude is it any wonder they don't visit and go to his family instead. Sorry if that's mean but I think that's the truth. Try to be happy for your daughter whatever she chooses in life. You can't control how she lives her life.