I resent my daughters partner

[NewbieoneKinewbie]

Long story short.
I was a single parent to my daughter, we were very very close until a few years ago, she met her partner and started to distance herself somewhat. I was very hurt, of course, but have accepted that this is part of her growing up and away from me.

but I guess i am just sad at who she is becoming. She used to be bright, ambitious and had aims for a creative exciting career. She has lost any ambition. In her mid 20s, they’ve just had a baby. She went from a girl who was always positive about breastfeeding, to one who had given up with a week as her partner jumped to the bottle when it wasn’t initially easy. Changes like that I feel so sad about. She isn’t who she was a few years ago.

he loves her and is a kind man. He’s just not very ‘woke’ I suppose; like he is unimpressed by her vegetarianism.

He doesn’t often visit my place -used to avoid coming here when she still lived here -would always make her go to his family home. I’ve always tried to be welcoming but I really detect an undercurrent that he has never liked me and in truth, although I don’t actively dislike him - it’s just not easy. I find myself feeling awkward, uncomfortable, and having to work hard to get along. Sometimes I want to scream what the fuck?! But i never say anything as I figure, she loves him, I can’t, I don’t want to lose her. Or my grandchild.

am i bring unreasonable to want my girl back to the person she was?

Honestly? I think you're trying to frame him as controlling because he's different to the man you imagined your daughter with.

This is not about you and your dreams for your daughter. She is an adult and is free to make her own choices.

You are coming across as controlling.

You're also contradicting yourself, saying he supports his own parents in a way your daughter did not support you after your operation, but also saying he has a bad relationship with his mother.

It's time to focus on your own life as well as your daughter.

You need to have some counselling op. Your feelings will be leaking through in some way and you will damage the relationship with your dd perhaps irreparably.

this ^ I really disagree with, just because your son in law or dd b/f isn't to your liking - doesn't mean you can't hide it away and them not know.

We tell our children that they can have the earth, but the truth is that most of us settle down to a middling, hopefully mostly happy normal that can feel like "underachieving" to those who were our greatest cheerleaders (and often sacrificed to give us opportunities).

Exactly. Most of us end up, well, average.

Agree, the word enmeshment is popping into my brain, probably me projecting a bit. Danger is that an enmeshed controlling relationship with a parent can mean you end up in one with a partner.

All of FairyMaclary · Today 11:53

may be very true and completely undeniable.

However the unanswered question there is "Should I stay as close as possible to my daughter to influence her in her day to day (and sometimes very personal) choices when she is mid 20s and has a baby, or however painful should I accept that she is mid 20s and has her own baby and standing back on the sidelines and being there for her if she needs me is more than enough even if it is painful for me (nevermind for her going through it) to see her relationship fail or whatever.

I think the right thing to to is the latter. You have to stand back. And then if it does go wrong be for her in the way she needs at that time. You cannot "rescue" her from a relationship with the father of her child. And you cannot "rescue" her from life choices about her career or her vegetarianism or whatever when she is in her mid 20s. She has to decide for herself and if you really love her you will stand back and let her do those things without comment from you other than to let her know you are always there for her if she needs you.

And I say millymog11 · Today 12:29

even if the man she is with is controlling etc. As painful as it is you have to let her go through that. Unless he is literally beating her or putting the baby in danger I think you have to let her have a failed relationship if that is the way it ends up.

@NewbieoneKinewbie - you sounds like a kind, loving and sensitive/thoughtful parent. Be there for her if/when she falls - but always try not to make it about you

Eh? Isn't she just growing up and having a family of her own now?

You sound quite judgemental about the breastfeeding too!

She is changing... people do change! You can't expect her to be static all her life.

Let your DD live her own life. She isn't in an abusive relationship. Back off. You can't help your feelings that's ok to have feelings. It isn't ok to interfere and tell folk you know what's best for them.

As mothers we should be there for our offspring to be able to lean on, not for us to lean on them, unless we are old and infirm.

The best gift you can give your dd at the moment is to get on with your own life and be there for her if she needs you.

YANBU! My parents saw what an arse my exDH was before I did! They said similar to me early on - that they feel he's somehow bringing me down, stopping me from being me, losing ambition etc. They said it gently, I rejected their comments but they did sort of stick. And, years later, I came to the same conclusion.

You can be sad but just be there for her. She'll need you in her corner, even if she never leaves him.

I think it's great she's had her baby now in her 20s when you can help and she can develop her career in her 30s - I did it the other way round and my parents are really old and it's so tiring for them to help.

Just keep being a positive influence in her life and showering her and her baby with love

I wonder what your daughter's partner's side of the story would be. I can imagine waves of disapproval emanating from you. I tried to breastfeed too. When the baby in the first week home lost weight and got so dehydrated that the next step was admitting him to hospital and a drip to rehydrate him, we got formula because that was the responsible thing to do. I was black and blue and just in agony as well. The look of relief on my baby's face when he got that bottle of formula still haunts me. I think you should be being sympathetic rather than judgemental about this.

If your daughter was that interested in her career, I don't think she would be settling down in her mid twenties. Or maybe she sees this as a safe refuge from a career she doesn't like. She is still young and may do something more when the baby is older.

One of the hardest things for me was letting my sons make their own choices. I was very close to my mother and she and I shared very similar ambitions for me. I thought the same would happen for me with my children. They turned out to have very different plans. Eventually a psychologist said I had to let them make their own mistakes and butt out. I largely try to give advice only when asked.

Been there. 2DD,2DS sons partners were lovely. Still close to DM of my DGD. DD mostly arseholes. But they are not my exes, I keep a relationship with them for the sake of my DGK that they see regularly. Be friendly with your children, but they aren't your "best friend". They loose respect for you,as the parent. Made the mistake of this when I had my oldest DD at 19! You have to bite your tongue a lot, because your children will choose their partners over their parents.

This, get your own life.

People are supposed to grow and change. Try to love the person she is now, which is much more important than pining for the person she was at a completely different stage in her life.

He doesn’t often visit my place -used to avoid coming here when she still lived here -would always make her go to his family home. I’ve always tried to be welcoming but I really detect an undercurrent that he has never liked me and in truth, although I don’t actively dislike him - it’s just not easy. I find myself feeling awkward, uncomfortable, and having to work hard to get along. Sometimes I want to scream what the fuck?! But i never say anything as I figure, she loves him, I can’t, I don’t want to lose her. Or my grandchild.
Sorry but it sounds like you barely tolerate him, and all the bits about feeling uncomfortable he'll feel too.
Did you expect it to be more of you and dd bringing the baby up and him on the sidelines eventually being pushed out? You sound so angry that she's choosing her own path not doing as you expect.

She’s an adult who can feed her child any way she wishes and eat whatever she likes.
Not surprised her partner doesn’t really enjoy spending time with you, tbh.

Why should he be impressed about your daughter being a vegetarian? How would that make him 'woke'? Bit of a weird thing to say.

Gillypie23 · Today 05:34
**
Your is in a relationship with a controlling man”

No, she’s left a controlling relationship with her mother.

And one of these seems to be approved of by some on here....

In what way is that anti vegetarian humour?

Sounds like you have a right little bee in your bonnet about something or other

It sounds like you are resenting your SIL, who you yourself say “loves her and is a kind man”, for robbing you of your daughter. She has her own family now. You can’t be at the top of her list of priorities. You assume she stopped breastfeeding after one week because he wanted her too. That’s a big assumption. I gave-up breast feeding 40+ years ago because I hated it (shock, horror)! You don’t like your SIL, he will pick-up that vibe, so there will be a bit of tension when you are together. It’s bound to be difficult for you to let go when it was just the two of you for so many years, you have no choice, you have to move on and focus on your own life.

As for the poster who posted just after your original post that your daughter is in a controlling relationship, I can only assume, you have your own issues!

Is is just you she barely sees or everyone? Because this could just be an adult child moving into being a parent. But it is also throwing out major red flags. Especially the parts about him subtly putting down her interests/way of life and her not being allowed to spend time with you while you were in the hospital. Are they not letting you come and visit them? Are you blocked from that as well?
You can't really accuse anyone of anything, but if I were you I would make sure your daughter knows that she has a safe place to live if she ever needs to.

I strongly empathise with you and hear an underlying grief. For the loss of your identity as a mum. Perhaps you feel redundant and have lost your purpose? Empty nesting affects us all in so many ways.
I’ve taken the opportunity to re-invent myself before my youngest goes to Uni.

Is there something that you’d like to do now that you are time rich?