I resent my daughters partner

[NewbieoneKinewbie]

Long story short.
I was a single parent to my daughter, we were very very close until a few years ago, she met her partner and started to distance herself somewhat. I was very hurt, of course, but have accepted that this is part of her growing up and away from me.

but I guess i am just sad at who she is becoming. She used to be bright, ambitious and had aims for a creative exciting career. She has lost any ambition. In her mid 20s, they’ve just had a baby. She went from a girl who was always positive about breastfeeding, to one who had given up with a week as her partner jumped to the bottle when it wasn’t initially easy. Changes like that I feel so sad about. She isn’t who she was a few years ago.

he loves her and is a kind man. He’s just not very ‘woke’ I suppose; like he is unimpressed by her vegetarianism.

He doesn’t often visit my place -used to avoid coming here when she still lived here -would always make her go to his family home. I’ve always tried to be welcoming but I really detect an undercurrent that he has never liked me and in truth, although I don’t actively dislike him - it’s just not easy. I find myself feeling awkward, uncomfortable, and having to work hard to get along. Sometimes I want to scream what the fuck?! But i never say anything as I figure, she loves him, I can’t, I don’t want to lose her. Or my grandchild.

am i bring unreasonable to want my girl back to the person she was?

100% what @BackCat says. There is a significant nor very subtle undercurrent of 'we're considerably better than you' towards him. With the he doesn't like me self pity while stating you don't like him either! And he loves her and is a kind man. He’s just not very ‘woke’ I suppose; like he is unimpressed by her vegetarianism. ?? So loving her and being kind is meh, if he was 'woke" like you and impressed by her being a vegetarian even if he was an abusive arse, that would be better?

He takes the piss out of some of the things that used to matter to her, like being a vegetarian. In a subtle way, but it’s there. Her previous job. It upsets me to see her change as a consequence

is that snobbery? Really?!

Your examples are a bit lame tbh.

My entire NCT group wanted / was positive about BF until they gave birth. I fed the second longest to 4m and it was utter hell.

I like meat and would be unimpressed with vegetarianism.

The house thing you maybe have a point.
I'd try and be extra welcoming. Speak to your DD about what would be helpful to have at your house for her and baby to be comfortable when visiting. Expect to visit her more.

Say nothing about how you feel - say it often

Context is everything

but due to the way you feel about you will always put a negative spin to on it for your own means

I think that when adult children move on to live their own lives with their own choice of partner that "empty nest syndrome can often hit harder for single parents than for couples who have each other to spend time with, support each other and live a new version of their child free lives.

You mourn her moving on as if she were your partner but she was your daughter who is now making her life choices. Those choices may not be the same as real life sets in. She may have realised her creative career is not viable. All kids have their ambition or dream job but when life kicks in they realise they don't have the talent/qualifications/opportunity to achieve them or indeed that their dreams dont pay the bills. Whilst she may feel able to express her disappointment about the breast feeding she probably realises it was the right thing to do but felt safe saying to you that it was a shame she couldn't manage to do so. Instead of supporting her you have turned it into a weapon against her partner.

You run the risk of losing her altogether if you persist with any choices she makes of which you disapprove being the fault of her partner and it seems as though yiu may be a a bit jealous that he and their baby are the main people in her life now and you feel sidelined.

Maybe seek out new activities and friends to fill the gap you feel.

I have a daughter who I was very close to, used to go to shows together. Then BF arrived and she has fully changed, starting eating meat and drinking. She also treats us in a way she wasn’t brought up to, and how me and DH would never have treated our parents.
In some ways I think it’s how many younger people are now, I see it in others too.
. Don’t fall out with her, keep the door open.

Nobody on here can tell you if your daughter is in a relationship that isn't good for her.

You say he is kind and he loves her, so that's good.

If I were you I'd try to be more positive about her, her relationship and her partner. Both internally and externally.

If you are feeling as negative about him as it is coming across hers, no wonder they are distancing themselves from you. Perhaps she didn't put herself out when you were unwell as she did not want to hear about the mistakes she has made with her life.

You could be pushing them towards his extended family. This happened to one of my mums friends. She was so disapproving and her daughter was just absorbed into her husbands family.

Very gently, you are seeing your dd’s while existence as a means to somehow enhance yours.

Having a baby means you will be closer, her ambitions aligns her with UYou values, your illness means she has devote time to care for you etc.

You are seeing everything does through prism that simply sorts through what benefits you. Not what is best for her.

DD’s life is there to serve her - not you.

It is very difficult, i really dislike my SIL , he is lazy, he is a cheat and a useless manchild. The secret is to just be there for your daughter and Grandchild, as long as your daughter knows you have her back, she will be fine.

Moreover you are going through a difficult patch and deflecting your own disenchantment on to her.

It’s natural to cry, to feel overwhelmed, to be tired it’s great she can come to you. She will stop if she thinks you are judging her/dp her life.

Step back. Be truly supportive. Stop thinking of yourself

Why are people missing the red flags with this man? Yes her daughter can have a career after she's had a baby but it's bloody harder!
Going against what she wants when she is vulnerable after having a baby is a red flag. Not wanting to come to her mom's house is a red flag. Her daughter suddenly not prioritising her career due to comments he's made.

OP, does your DD seem happy and content?

Is she able to make free decisions and does he treat her well?

Do you think she’s in a controlling relationship?

I don’t think he is going against what she wants. Bottle feeding is the only option if you can’t breastfeed, or don’t want to. Her dd might be disappointed but it’s not her dps fault. I think op needs to consider why they don’t like going to her house…

Are you changing things because not everyone's saying 'RED FLAG RED FLAG!!'?
Do you think because you've had 2 poor relationships you're struggling to accept hers?
You said he's 'kind and loves her' that's good. What's the career you think is absolutely over already?

Every post of ops is all about her, not her dd. It’s the impact on her life that she speaks about.

I would be a bit devious @NewbieoneKinewbie .

Never critiscise her dp.
Try a bit of love bombing on both of them. Especially dd’s dp. Find out what he likes and take an interest when you see him.
Become a vegetarian yourself and cook veggie dishes for them, this way you are supporting your dd in a way that her dp cannot make fun of quite so easily.
I mean the last one is extreme but why not?

@Jollyoldfruit I'd assumed op was veggie already with the assumption the dp should be impressed by it!

Why are people missing the red flags with this man? Yes her daughter can have a career after she's had a baby but it's bloody harder!
Going against what she wants when she is vulnerable after having a baby is a red flag. Not wanting to come to her mom's house is a red flag. Her daughter suddenly not prioritising her career due to comments he's made.

Are you talking about the breastfeeding? We don't actually know what happened. I wanted to breastfeed. I tried so hard. I was going into hospital every day and getting help and I was being hooked up to a giant machine and nothing worked.

It was my mother who stepped in and told me it wasn't the end of the world. It hadn't worked out but that there was plenty of other things I could do for my child over her lifetime.

It was such a relief as it had taken over everything.

My mother isn't controlling.

To be honest, I think a lot of teenagers are wildly ambitious but it never materialises for a lot of them. I was one of them! But I had my first baby at 28 and I’m sort of happy to muddle along in middle management until I’m done raising my young family. I earn a nice wage but I’m not setting the world on fire.

I’m still very close with my mum and she is one of my priorities but certainly doesn’t come before my children. It’s part of growing up. She also likes my DH, I would feel awkward if it was clear she didn’t.

Keep contact. Don't voice anything bad about her husband.
She should not have to choose one of you.
Be there for them both. Be happy to see them all.

Have times when you still see your daughter on her own - shopping, hair dresser, coffee, walks etc.

Be prepard to help out as much as you can with the baby should your daughter be finding it hard to manage going for some of those dreams she doesn't want to forget.
Be happy to feed the child food it likes.

It may very well not be the case in your circumstance but @BackCat makes a good general point and something I have thought about.

I annoy my teens by often adding stuff like things that are right " for that person" or I like something " because I enjoy...".
I try and make sure they know that I don't view most things in a hierarchy.
I don't personally want a tattoo or piercings but I think some people can look really nice with them. I don't have a high flying career because I'm not suited to one, but that it's positive for people who thrive from this sort of situation.

I basically want to show them that I live the best way I can, for me, in my particular circumstances but that there's not only one objective best way to do "life".

Because we have no idea how valid the information OP has given us
prioritising a baby over a career is very common in the first few years your priorities and focus naturally change

and if I was him I wouldn’t go anywhere near OP house

@RitzyMcFee I knew I wanted to breastfeed more than anything. I told my ex that. When my dd wouldn't latch I cried and told him regrettably that he should go to get some formula. He came back with the formula and a hand breast pump and said 'why don't we give this a go first?' That's what a supportive partner does. They listen to what you want and try to do anything to make it work. He had to walk 45 minutes there and back to get this pump. But it mattered to me, and therefore it mattered to him.
My daughter never latch but at least I knew I gave it a shot and we tried. He didn't say nah you should just give that up. OP's SILd does not sound like he tried to support her.

OP's SILd does not sound like he tried to support her.

I just don't see how we can say one way or another from what the OP has said here. There isn't enough information.

But if someone who didn't like your husband was telling that story they could spin it

'She told him she wanted formula. She cried! She was so upset but he just came to her with a breast pump and told her to try that first'.