I resent my daughters partner

[NewbieoneKinewbie]

Long story short.
I was a single parent to my daughter, we were very very close until a few years ago, she met her partner and started to distance herself somewhat. I was very hurt, of course, but have accepted that this is part of her growing up and away from me.

but I guess i am just sad at who she is becoming. She used to be bright, ambitious and had aims for a creative exciting career. She has lost any ambition. In her mid 20s, they’ve just had a baby. She went from a girl who was always positive about breastfeeding, to one who had given up with a week as her partner jumped to the bottle when it wasn’t initially easy. Changes like that I feel so sad about. She isn’t who she was a few years ago.

he loves her and is a kind man. He’s just not very ‘woke’ I suppose; like he is unimpressed by her vegetarianism.

He doesn’t often visit my place -used to avoid coming here when she still lived here -would always make her go to his family home. I’ve always tried to be welcoming but I really detect an undercurrent that he has never liked me and in truth, although I don’t actively dislike him - it’s just not easy. I find myself feeling awkward, uncomfortable, and having to work hard to get along. Sometimes I want to scream what the fuck?! But i never say anything as I figure, she loves him, I can’t, I don’t want to lose her. Or my grandchild.

am i bring unreasonable to want my girl back to the person she was?

what does she say when he does this ?

I get it, OP. I am a single parent to a teenager and I have so many hopes and dreams for them. There is also a special closeness from living in a one-adult, one-child household. I know I am going to miss all that in the future.

My advice is that you need to fill your own cup. It's great that you are having counselling and I imagine you might be exploring this sort of territory there. What are YOUR hopes and dreams for the future? What is your purpose in life now that your DD has a family of your own?

It sounds like you are still very close to your DD and involved in her life, and that she can confide in you. That's wonderful and a brilliant testament to your parenting.

Why the hell is he supposed to be impressed by her being vegetarian?? What a weird thing to think.

You sound like my DM.
Her life choices are hers,she's not your partner.
The bf is none of your business.

You sound way over invested in her life,and it's apparent from reading here that you blame him.
May e your DD would visit more if she didn't feel scrutinized.
Wind your neck in,let her live her life and maybe you'll get involved because you're not being hostile.

That's now changed to 'takes the piss out of' as 'not impressed' doesn't seem to have got the he's evil response!

I'm a single parent and also very close to my daughter BUT I also know I have to be really wary of treating her as a 'best friend' for both our sakes - this can impact on her ability to form relationships with girls/boys her own age, and will leave me with 'empty nest syndrome' if I am too dependent on her. I totally understand how you have hopes and dreams for your children - and it would be quite easy to see any partner of theirs as not good enough. But part of being a parent is letting your kid go. You HAVE to do this, even when it's really difficult. I am dreading mine leaving home! But I don't want her to know that or feel any pressure as she has to lead her own life, her way. That's what your daughter is doing and you need to support that and also get on with your own life.

If this were a woman writing about her son the replies would be that the son's wife and family are his priority now. Surely this is the case here? @NewbieoneKinewbie how old are you? I ask as you are talking as if you are in your 70s or older. As a PP said you need to look at filling your cup - this stage of your life has passed and you need to move into the next one.

Be there for your daughter op; be positive, encourage her. Tell her she has not lost her career just taking a break and to make a plan. Tell her breastfeeding is not everything as long as she and her baby are happy and healthy that’s all thar matters,

Live your life and find other interests, hobbies. It must be hard after being only the 2 of you for so long; but such is life

Shes still the same person. I think women change so much when they are in the middle of babys and nestmaking. Women do so often lose themselves, but its a normal process, and I think you just have to be her cheerleader and her constant, and maybe reduce your expectations a bit.

The main thing I would do is focus on her happiness - not your idea of her potential and whether she's fulfilled it.

Her ambitions will have been largely shaped by your expectations - so let that go. Is she happy as a wife and mother? Does she seem relaxed and comfortable with her partner? Is she parenting the way she wants to or does she seem anxious and unsure? Does he support her and do his fair share?

I was totally consumed by motherhood, and my dad and stepmum, who both obviously think very highly of my capabilities and want me to succeed, could never accept that, and - with the best of intentions - made me feel like shit every time we met, asking me about how I was progressing in my job or whether I was doing any writing or anything 'interesting' - when really all I was doing, and all I wanted to do, was plodding along in my job and raising my child. I didn't expect everyone else to be interested in it, but I wanted it to be accepted that this was my focus and that it was valid. Instead I felt like I was letting everyone down by not wanting what they wanted me to want.

Meet your daughter where she is. Go with her on her journey. And let her know that whatever she 'turns into' as long as she's happy you will be delighted and proud. But that if she's unhappy, you are always there for her.

I remember back to some of my really unsuitable boyfriends and my parents must have been thing OMG please no!!

All you can do is be there for her.

My cousin married this man. I remember the wedding, and her parents almost looked like they were having to try hard to smile. He was a nice enough guy but just no drive or ambition, and my cousin just seemed to lose her sparkle as she used to be so life loving and ambitious.

After the second baby, he said he was going to be a stay at home dad, as she earned double what he did. His idea of parenting was gaming all day and putting the kids in front of the TV. Needless to say she saw the light, and divorced him, and now does amazingly well as a single parent, living very near her mum.

As for the ex, he bought himself a two seater car, which isn't much use when you have two kids... I think that says it all!

Just try not to let her see your dislike for him. Invite her round regularly. Keep the communication channel open.

let me guess you are vegetarian and raised her like that and pushed bf from a very early age? eco warrior type?

No it isn't snobbery.

Are you feeling abandoned in some way? I ask because your post about having major surgery and her not being there to support you really felt significant- as if it had hurt you deeply and, possibly, left you feeling very alone.

As an only child, I often feel that. The loss of my parents felt and still feels like an abandonment- not one they chose but that's how I feel. Nothing and no one replaces them and it rears its head regularly.

I stand with the posts that see red flags everywhere here. Be there for her because my feeling is he is controlling and she's not happy.

I'm not going to say this because it's nice, but because I am the dd in this situation, and you can do a lot to rectify it...

But your relationships are bad!!! You picked twice wrong. Now, that's totally understandable, you are a human, you can't control what others do (like leave you or make you unhappy). But by contrast, she's found someone who is kind, loves her and has made a family with her. From her perspective she might be wondering why her mum is so down on her partner when her own picker is off and she hasn't had fulfilling or successful relationships herself.

She is not your best friend, and hasn't been for a long while. I suspect you finished your relationship and now feel lonely and that's just not on her. Your partner wasn't able to support you through your illness and you picked him/her! So why the sudden need to draw her back in or look critically at him/her? Just look at yourself and your own relationships, in therapy and work on that.

Nothing you say about him sounds alarming to me, he doesn't want to be veggie at home, and her career hasn't taken off. I can't see what's so unusual but even if it was, the best thing to do is support them together. She seems very with him, building a family with him and what she wants is support, not mum looking a bit disapproving. They will do things differently than you, Christmas, feeding the baby, where they holiday- this is normal and he's just a human with his faults just as you are with yours.

Don't triangulate- don't be the person who listens about how terrible he is and then you seethe over it- listen a bit, but point out his good qualities, or see what he does give her (love and kindness is quite a lot). Encourage your dd to seek help and a listening ear elsewhere as well, her friends, a counsellor, health visitor, and so on. Don't set her up for conflict.

You are human and not perfect, so is she, so is he. Try to see the benefits of the situation, having a lovely grandchild! At a time you are young enough to help and enjoy the situation. Your dd will find her way with careers soon enough, she's got til 67 or even 70 to work it out.

Op, I grew up with a single mother and I loved her so much but also felt a weight of responsibility to almost be everything to her.My mum didn't mean to do this but you do feel responsible for their happiness, It can be quite exhausting. I think she is probably just taking some time to be her and focus on her little family for a while. It is very likely that she can somewhat feel your disappointment and that will add to the guilt/responsibility she feels, so she may distance herself further to 'save emotional space'.
Having a baby and a family should not be looked down on, I think parents sometimes think success is being a lawyer or doctor but choose to ignore the fact that people in these positions exhibit high stress and lower life satisfaction than other careers. I'm all for feminism but honestly, I would quit my career tomorrow if I could and spend more time with my family, it makes me happy and Gives purpose to my life- that would not mean that I had not achieved, just that I was able to live an authentic life choosing what I wanted and what made me happy.

Your daughter just had a baby, is struggling, and you're sulking because she's not ambitious enough, you're no longer the centre of attention and you don't like her partner because he's loving and supportive but not in awe of her being a vegetarian? Righto, good luck with that

You need to fill your time with other stuff. While your daughter will always be special to you, it’s good that she’s gone out in the world and found happiness with someone who sounds pretty good. I’m a single parent too so understand the intensity and I wouldn’t be surprised if that made it impossible for you and her partner to get close.

I can’t comment on the taking the Mickey about vegetarian thing because I’ve not witnessed the chats. I’m a single parent of a teen living at home and we have a gentle teasing sort of relationship and it’s totally fine. His banter with his friends is probably totally different.

You are doing the right thing by saying nothing as it would be horrible to burden your dd with how you feel and don’t want her to withdraw.

You’re unreasonable to bring up how she’s changed and to assume it’s for the worst. People are supposed to grow and change

People talking about red flags, should really look at @NewbieoneKinewbie .
Nowhere have you said anything about your GC,apart from the bf aspect
Are you happy to be a gp,.
It just seems you're looking at the negatives,rather than the positives.
You have a new GC, your DD is in a relationship,her bf is kind and loving.

Seriously what else can she do.

I think you need to cultivate a life of your own OP - you sound a bit like you have been, and were hoping to live/achieve things through your daughter. Not healthy for either of you.

Have a look on the conception board, and see how many women are struggling to conceive in their late 30’s-40’s. Having a baby in your 20’s is what nature intended, and you’ll get to enjoy many more years as a granny than if your daughter had waited till she was 35! She’s in a happy relationship, a career can wait.
You are totally in the wrong to make the breast feeding thing an issue - millions of babies are bottle fed and it’s perfectly fine. Even preferable if breastfeeding doesn’t come easy.

Your daughter is her own person, she’s not obliged to be what ever vision you had for her future. If you can’t get on board with her life choices, you’ll regret it. Enjoy your grandchild, without judgement and interference!

I’m an only child of a single parent. You sound suffocating. It’s not about what you want from/for your daughter. I don’t think you would accept any partner of hers IRL.

It sounds very hard when you think your child's partner is having a negative impact on them.

However, it is not your son-in-law's job to validate your opinions and choices, and the implicit expectation he should will not be helpful to your relationship with either your daughter or him. He and your daughter are individuals, and not extensions of you.

I hear you OP. It hurts when they move on and don't "need" you as much. I try to look at it that they are independent functioning adults and therefore I've don't my job well. I'm throwing myself into planning what I want from life now, I've changed jobs and we are planning a house move soon. It's a challenge to change focus but it's great to meet up with friends more.
Do you date?
You don't have to love her partner, she does, that's all that matters. Try to support her in her choices and frankly you are being daft about the vegetarianism. We have veggies and vegans in our family and they all get teased.

I’m not the daughter my Mum wants me to be. I hope you hide it better than my mum does.

The thing that jumps out at me is that she was ‘aiming for a creative exciting career’ but decided to have a baby in her mid-20s. Do you know why she decided to have a baby at this point - was it unplanned, did her partner pressure her, that kind of thing?

Most women acknowledge that they’ll need to defer having a baby until their 30s if they want to focus on their career, or accept that if they have a baby in their 20s, their career won’t progress as quickly. So it seems odd that if she was career-minded, she changed her mind. Or she could have been less focused on her career as you perceived.